Day 3 - Pork Products, Alluded Birthday Spankings and Episiotomies 101
Friday began the preparations for Rachel's birthday shindig. Accompanied by the lovely
KaiKai, we made our way to the supermarket for the various foodstuffs for aforementioned shindig. We then went to the liquor store (what's a birthday w/o alcohol?) and then decided to get some breakfast.
Staying in a kosher household means restrictions on quite a bit of foods. I am a picky eater.
You understand the quandry.
Thankfully, it was permissible to bring in other foods, as long as none of them required reheating. Therefore, we made our way back home, and I got a big horking order of home fries and enough pig to keep me satiated.
Now, I had found out that the next day we would need to have business casual dress for our trip to the Hustler Club (more on this later). I did not pack for this.
So, on I walked...
...and snapped a few pics along the way to the local Sears to pick myself up a nice shirt and pants.
Yet again, I will reiterate that Rachel lives in a quiet lovely little slice of suburbia. That and, aside from one evening, you couldn't have asked for nicer weather for my time there.
Soon, it was time for baking and cooking and such. As much as I tried to use what culinary experience I have to help out, I was kicked out of the kitchen more often than not.
Pfft. Am I
right, guys?
The first guest to show up was the lovely
zoomusikgrl.
Then, the lovely couple/expecting parents
mydogfarted and
khoos.
It was because of the mom-to-be that I learned for the first time the inner machinations of an episiotomy.
TAINT CUTTING. No thanks...no thanks.
Beer and alcohol were had...
...as were scrumptious cupcakes, affectionately named "nipple cakes"...
(I, of course, went for the full-on obscenity. Ladies, he's
single!
)
...as we enjoyed many a round of Apples to Apples. Good party game, especially when you've a twisted sense of humor and you're three sheets to the wind.
Also, Vagina Cake!
Soon, our female party-goers posed for a picture.
But MDF and I, being the only penised ones in the group, would
not be ignored.
Now, see,
that is a level of professional courtesy you just don't see in this day and age. He's cupping the balls, kids. Now
that is dedication!
Pretty soon, it was time for everyone to take their leave. I had to get some rest, for tomorrow would be a day of firsts for me...
Day 4 - Your Humble Narrator in The Dirty Jerz
Most of the day was spent relaxing @home (as Rachel was sleeping off the drinky until the late afternoon
). But, soon it was time to take our leave...
...via cab...
...and the Long Island Railroad (which is also our next stop on
thefreak Toilet Tour), en route to Penn Station once again. More be-bopping would ensue as we took a trip...on the NJ Transit.
Now, your Humble Narrator, up to this point, despite his love of the New Jersey Devils, Kevin Smith and the like (FUCK Bon Jovi!), had never visited the Garden State. So, of course, I was giddy as a motherfucker.
We were soon @Newark(?) Station, where we waited for MDF to come pick us up.
I took a picture of this...cattail...statue...
thing, as well as cursed the shitting lighting therein. I also took the time to ham it up a little bit.
Now, for this picture to work, you're supposed to be able to actually
see the sign, which was a "One Way" sign, which was, of course, pointing the other way. And wacky humor would ensue.
But oh,
no, my camera would be stymied by reflective sign glare.
GAH!
This would work to my advantage, however, as I was unable to unearth the scourge of Demon Traffic Cones.
Rachel decided to be a little hermit for the camera.
Pretty soon, MDF arrived, and we were on our way to fellow member
Infinity's 21st birthday celebration.
Our first stop?
That's right, kids! For you
Sopranos fans out there, we went to Satin Dolls for some liquor and big, beautiful, bouncing bikini boobies. And I will tell you, as I sat there entranced, I said to myself, "Self, you don't care whether they're fake or real, you just want to
motorboat them." This holds true to this very day.
It was also here that I met a veritable
bevy of members for the first time. Besides the birthday boy (who, I have to say was quite the little trooper working through his nervousness/slight drunkeness to hand the lovely ladies dollar bills...way to go, man.
), I met
zoomusikgrl's S.O.
JustBlaze (who wears a beard I'm quite jealous of...more on that later), SGNJ owner
derceto,
rickrolled and
arbitraria.
After the Wholesome Christian Fun, we (sans MDF) made our way to QXT's, which is some goth...club...thing? Hilarity of Yours Truly being in a nightclub, Number 1, and being in a
goth club, Number 2, aside, it was an interesting time. Also, I got to meet a few more members(!!!), including
minimalism (who is quite the
dapper fellow, I must say) and
skeletonbaby. I'm hoping I'm not forgetting anybody, but I
was a weensy bit stoned.
I was handedly defeated in a Beard-Off w/
JustBlaze and
derceto. Seriously, how can I compete w/
that?
While most of those kids possessed things like rhythm and coordination, I was more than happy to stay
off the dance floor, mingle, and get more pics.
The one black mark was the bouncer refusing to help me out in keeping up my reputation of Interweb Hilarity by letting me take a mock pic of him throwing me out.
Bastard.
Now
that is the face of a drunken birthday boy.
See what I mean?
As Rachel and I said our goodbyes and made our way back to the train station (and I, despite having
no clue as to where I was, keeping Rachel from having a mini freak-out), I managed to take even more random pics.
*salutes* Go Devils.
It was an eventful evening, and I got to meet a lot of cool people. Little did I know that the next night, my last night in NY, would help my vaca end w/a bang. As well as make me absolutely frightened of touching Jagermeister ever again...
STAY TUNED FOR PART 2B 
