thefreak

Hey, kids! It's another update from Your Friendly Neighborhood Freak.

How am I, I hear you say? Well, funny you should ask that...



That's right, Gentle Reader. You may want to go get a snack, use the potty, and say goodbye to your loved ones, because this entry's going to be a long one. We're going to be delving into some personal happenings as of late, as well as Your Humble Narrator basically baring himself (not in that way, sorry ) for all of you to see (and possibly mock). Why? Fuck it, that's why. It's high time I start remembering who I am and what I stand for. Brutal honesty is the name of the game. Are my arguments valid? Do I have a case of head-up-the-ass? We shall see, won't we, kids?

Now, for those of you that have playing the home game, a few weeks ago I basically got into it w/my ex and I got tired of her shit. So, I stood up for myself and called her out on it. And everything went PFFT from there. She went crying to her brother, who proceeded to then call Yours Truly in a rather threatening manner, almost to the point of me calling the cops on him. But, after a couple days, I decided it was high time I just walk away, because it wasn't worth my time and heartache anymore. If only it were that easy...

Ever have to work w/an ex? Yeeeeaaaahhh, that's my situation. Not the most fun, but lately, I've been getting by w/minimal impact. And this is a good thing

The key to that experience is this (we'll be getting back to it later)...

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people who have hurt me would rather dump all the blame on me instead of taking any responsibility for their own actions. Last I knew, friendship is supposed to be a two-way street.



Fast forward to more recently...

I recently got into it w/a close friend of mine, who, due to life changes on their own end, I've not spoken to nearly as much lately. Long story short (aside from other issues I'm not getting into) they basically ripped me a new one, saying I "apparently" continue to ignore their advice, and they're sick of me always stressing out over the situation, because, you know, everyone's coping skills are just stellar (more on that later).

Then, to kick a Freak while he's down, the coup de grace...they basically threw all the ex shit right back in my face, and insinuated that because I have had a harder time of letting go than they'd like, I've no one to blame but myself.

That's right...I was pretty much forced to revisit all that shit in my head, revisit my biggest pet peeve, and realize this person is pretty much pulling the same shit as my ex. Dumping all the blame on me.



Now...did I miss a goddamn memo? When did friendship become fair-weather?

Granted, I am far from perfect, kids. Do I have self-confidence issues? You bet. Stress? Plenty. Do I often think "worst-case scenario?" in a situation? It's a pain in the ass. Can I be stubborn as a mule? Well, I am my mother's child (it seems we're more alike that I'd like to admit, but that's another story). Feelings of jealousy? Don't we all? Can these things make me hard to get along w/? When even I get sick of me sometimes, that's not a good sign.

Do I know how to fix all this shit? Not in one fell swoop, I don't, or I'm just too fucking impatient.

HOWEVER...

Like I said, I'm not perfect. No one is. I've made many a mistake in my 26 years on this planet, but I'd like to think I'm a good enough person to A. Apologize for them, and B. Try to resolve them. Also, the fact I'm basically throwing out many of my self-recognized faults on the Interweb for any random person to point and laugh @obviously shows I'm serious about pointing out who I am and taking care of this shit.

But, enough is enough.

You know, call me old-fashioned, but when an ex I considered nearest and dearest to me and spent 3 years of my life in a relationship (whether as lovers or a couple) basically betrays my trust, betrays my friendship and shits on it all, yeah, you better believe I have a fucking problem w/that. One that's not exactly easily fixed. So yeah, as much as I can walk away, there's going to be days where I'm still upset. What a concept! And you know, sorry if that means I feel the need to get things off my chest instead of letting them fester. And (SHOCK AND HORROR!) sometimes that means confiding in a friend. But, you know, apparently that becomes little more than an inconvenience to some people.

And I wonder why I keep things quiet in the first place.

Now...am I wrong? Should I just get over myself? I've been told that, but also, they're my thoughts and feelings, and they shouldn't have to feel invalid because of what other people think. How I handle them is another matter, and a matter I still struggle w/to this day.



(hat tip to TheInfamousMrV for bringing this one to my attention)

Now, you may have noticed a slight pattern in my YouTube-y Goodness thus far in this blog. It pretty much boils down to this:

I'm sick and tired of being tossed aside or pushed around.

I'm sick and tired of second-guessing myself.

I'm sick and tired of feeling like I'm beneath people (and believing it).

Most of all, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. When I've gotten to the point that I don't know who I am or where I fit in this world anymore, there's a problem. And it's time I stand up and say "no more."

So, yeah, Mr. Petty's words stuck to me. I've been having my fare share of...amusing happenings in my life for lack of a better description, another of which can be read about on my other blog (I apologize, as it's another long read, but on a better-constructed and more hilarious level, IMHO).

As I noted in aforementioned blog:

There have been plenty of times I've just wanted to Asshole Up, grow some balls, and knock someone on their ass until they get some common sense into them. Better than the alternative, I would think (i.e. being an emo bitch about things).

Here's the kicker...I just can't bring myself to do it. It's not who I am. As much as self-preservation is an ingrained part of our psyche since the days of Cro-Magnon man, I'd rather be surrounded by loved ones and miserable than alone and happy, if that makes any sense. I'm usually right there when a dear friend is upset or frustrated, no matter how close I may be myself to eating a gun. I'm caring to a fault, I will admit. But it's either that, or not give a shit and look out for Number One. And that's just not who I am.

So, the question remains...how do I find a happy medium? It's something I've yet to figure out. It's a process. A slow process, mind you, but one I'm making headway on, even if it's just a little each day.

It's like a black guy fucking a midget. It takes a lot of effort, a lot of strain, a lot of pain, and it's slow going @first. But eventually, you get there.



That's why I will survive. And I will learn to live my life to the fullest and happiest. All the way to the balls. Because the midget deserved it.

That's all for now, kids. As always, I hope you are all well.

Stay tuned...

-TM