Hey, kids. Your Friendly Neighborhood Freak is back, and a little sooner than I expected.
Here's the deal. As you can understand, Your Humble Narrator's been under a lot of stress as of late w/various personal things. What you read was basically a real bad habit of mine; letting the stress build up until I explode. It's not something I like to do, especially when it's put out there for everyone to see. Misguided? Perhaps. But I can't deny it happens.
So, quick update...some of the stuff started sorting itself out. Not 100%, mind you, but one of the moments of clarity I had was that I can't expect problems to be fixed in the timespan of your average Brady Bunch episode (and w/an equal amount of cheesy '60s-era frequency). A lot of what went on basically boils down to this, which I am loathe to admit on a semi-public forum, but it needs to be done.
You psychology fetishists might want to get nekkid now, as you'll probably have a good O over this one.
When I look @myself, I often think things like...I have no chiseled good-looks, no nice car (no car period, as I have been diagnosed w/a crippling affliction known as "broke and a shitty budgeter"), no 10-inch hog hanging to my knees (though ole' Evel's quite average and has plenty of charisma, as much as it's none of your beeswax...Zarth.
), and basically all sorts of other superficial stuff that, unless the music, television, and pornography industries have been lying to me all those years, women supposedly want, for lack of a better description.
Simply put, I'm not as confident a Freak as a lot of you probably think I am. I'm a lonely fuck @times (being a single guy living alone will do that), and I've been told I'm "needy." While that description still seems harsh, it's not all that off. If a situation w/someone doesn't go the way I think it should, my subconscious goes into WORST CASE SCENARIO MODE(!!!), I feel ignored, loathed, and this creates stress. I try to ignore the situation, feeling that's the best way to let it blow over (I'm not one to "rock the boat," as it were), but it only goes unresolved, and this creates, that's right kids, more stress. I try to confront the situation in one of a multitude of ways I'm told I should solve it, despite my misgivings, and more often than not, it doesn't resolve the way I want it to (see the aforementioned "moment of clarity"/Brady Bunch bit) which makes me try something else, which just creates the vicious cycle which, in turn, creates, if you said "more stress," you are correct.
Do I have a high expectation of people? More often than not, yes. But, in my mind, that falls into the "Golden Rule" category. I'm good to people, I'm there for those I care about whenever things aren't going right for them, I do things for people. Why does there have to be trouble when I need people here for me? If people blow me off when I try to make plans, or don't contact me back as promised, I flip. "WTF is wrong w/these assholes? Why bother doing anything for them if they can't do the same?" Shit like that is what often comes out of my mouth in those situations. It also seems to be ripe for those eye-opening instances of irony (my relationship ends in part because my gf thinks I don't spend enough time w/her, and here I go bitching because people don't wanna hang out). Ah, irony. If you had a vagina, I'd shove my foot up it until it punted your cervix, as much as you show me how wrong I can be. And that just adds insult to injury, you little Buddha-like enlightening bastard with a clitoris.
Long story short, my self-esteem (though leaps and bounds better than the emo high school days) still needs work, I have a real hard time knowing what people truly want from me (and vice-versa), I'm caring of others to a fault (it's not the first time I've let myself go to shit) and I need to smoke less (I'm smoking as I type this).
All that can be said is...what can I say? I'm an Aquarius (and also the Dog, for you Chinese Zodiac fans, which further confirms all this). Though I swear I somehow make some bridge into Scorpio. I haven't figured out how, but I have too many Scorpio tendencies to make it not just a coincidence. Hell, I've even been asked outright if I was a Scorpio.
So...yeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhh. This has all been me pretty much throwing it out there for all of you to see, as much as I don't like doing that (do I really need people pulling a Nelson @my expense?).
But, to be perfectly honest, it's been a bit cathartic. I have no clue how much time I've spent writing this friggin' thing, but over the course of doing so, it's helped me show that I'm in need of resolving this shit instead of ignoring it until I have an incident.
This is one of those things I was hoping would happen during my planned absence; figuring out who I am, WTF is wrong w/me, and how to fix it. Who knew it would be in a blog on a nekkid-lady community site? I sure didn't. I just came because I was told there'd be pie and punch.
That, and I figured I could get some insight. Though, no offense to you, Gentle Reader, if you're just going to flat-out criticize me, you can just turn around and go the way you came. That's not why I did this.
Oh, I hate to veer the topic of conversation off, uh, topic, but speaking of that "planned absence"...
Here's the deal. As you can understand, Your Humble Narrator's been under a lot of stress as of late w/various personal things. What you read was basically a real bad habit of mine; letting the stress build up until I explode. It's not something I like to do, especially when it's put out there for everyone to see. Misguided? Perhaps. But I can't deny it happens.
So, quick update...some of the stuff started sorting itself out. Not 100%, mind you, but one of the moments of clarity I had was that I can't expect problems to be fixed in the timespan of your average Brady Bunch episode (and w/an equal amount of cheesy '60s-era frequency). A lot of what went on basically boils down to this, which I am loathe to admit on a semi-public forum, but it needs to be done.
You psychology fetishists might want to get nekkid now, as you'll probably have a good O over this one.
When I look @myself, I often think things like...I have no chiseled good-looks, no nice car (no car period, as I have been diagnosed w/a crippling affliction known as "broke and a shitty budgeter"), no 10-inch hog hanging to my knees (though ole' Evel's quite average and has plenty of charisma, as much as it's none of your beeswax...Zarth.
), and basically all sorts of other superficial stuff that, unless the music, television, and pornography industries have been lying to me all those years, women supposedly want, for lack of a better description.
Simply put, I'm not as confident a Freak as a lot of you probably think I am. I'm a lonely fuck @times (being a single guy living alone will do that), and I've been told I'm "needy." While that description still seems harsh, it's not all that off. If a situation w/someone doesn't go the way I think it should, my subconscious goes into WORST CASE SCENARIO MODE(!!!), I feel ignored, loathed, and this creates stress. I try to ignore the situation, feeling that's the best way to let it blow over (I'm not one to "rock the boat," as it were), but it only goes unresolved, and this creates, that's right kids, more stress. I try to confront the situation in one of a multitude of ways I'm told I should solve it, despite my misgivings, and more often than not, it doesn't resolve the way I want it to (see the aforementioned "moment of clarity"/Brady Bunch bit) which makes me try something else, which just creates the vicious cycle which, in turn, creates, if you said "more stress," you are correct.
Do I have a high expectation of people? More often than not, yes. But, in my mind, that falls into the "Golden Rule" category. I'm good to people, I'm there for those I care about whenever things aren't going right for them, I do things for people. Why does there have to be trouble when I need people here for me? If people blow me off when I try to make plans, or don't contact me back as promised, I flip. "WTF is wrong w/these assholes? Why bother doing anything for them if they can't do the same?" Shit like that is what often comes out of my mouth in those situations. It also seems to be ripe for those eye-opening instances of irony (my relationship ends in part because my gf thinks I don't spend enough time w/her, and here I go bitching because people don't wanna hang out). Ah, irony. If you had a vagina, I'd shove my foot up it until it punted your cervix, as much as you show me how wrong I can be. And that just adds insult to injury, you little Buddha-like enlightening bastard with a clitoris.
Long story short, my self-esteem (though leaps and bounds better than the emo high school days) still needs work, I have a real hard time knowing what people truly want from me (and vice-versa), I'm caring of others to a fault (it's not the first time I've let myself go to shit) and I need to smoke less (I'm smoking as I type this).
All that can be said is...what can I say? I'm an Aquarius (and also the Dog, for you Chinese Zodiac fans, which further confirms all this). Though I swear I somehow make some bridge into Scorpio. I haven't figured out how, but I have too many Scorpio tendencies to make it not just a coincidence. Hell, I've even been asked outright if I was a Scorpio.
So...yeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhh. This has all been me pretty much throwing it out there for all of you to see, as much as I don't like doing that (do I really need people pulling a Nelson @my expense?).
But, to be perfectly honest, it's been a bit cathartic. I have no clue how much time I've spent writing this friggin' thing, but over the course of doing so, it's helped me show that I'm in need of resolving this shit instead of ignoring it until I have an incident.
This is one of those things I was hoping would happen during my planned absence; figuring out who I am, WTF is wrong w/me, and how to fix it. Who knew it would be in a blog on a nekkid-lady community site? I sure didn't. I just came because I was told there'd be pie and punch.
That, and I figured I could get some insight. Though, no offense to you, Gentle Reader, if you're just going to flat-out criticize me, you can just turn around and go the way you came. That's not why I did this.
Oh, I hate to veer the topic of conversation off, uh, topic, but speaking of that "planned absence"...
Could be two weeks, could be 3 days.
I almost made it. Apologies to those in the Freak Pool that lost any $$$ betting on when I'd come crawling back. 
It's funny. You'd think in the quarter-century I've spent on this planet, I'd have more of a grasp of who Tom Mason truly is. Never seems to work that way, does it, kids? That's life, I suppose...a woman covered head to toe in nothing but chocolate syrup. I'm just here to navigate all the bumps, curves, and cockblocks to get a few licks in.
So, as promised, I am back. Here's to the next lick.
Stay tuned...
-TM
VIEW 25 of 44 COMMENTS
koleeta:
nice costume, dude.
meow:
I'm a pisces rising and moon sign - very uncommon for both to be the same. But I'm weird, so it makes sense to me.
