thefox

Sometimes my boss almost compliments me too much. I realize this is a "high class" problem; let me explain.

She has asked us to do something that pretty much everyone hates. I don't mind it too much, but it is a lot of work. The hope is that once the routine is in place, it won't be such an arduous task in the future. I get that, and have been doing my damnedest to figure out what she wants and to do it. It's honestly not that difficult, it's just kind of a pain in the ass up front. Also, being new makes changing the way I do things fairly easy compared to my colleagues who have been working there many more years than I have.

Fortunately and unfortunately, she says I'm doing a fabulous job and that I "get it." She complimented me highly, and made me feel good and like a brown noser at the same time. Ha. Anyway, now she's going to use me as an example, which makes me feel a bit uneasy.

Now I'm reminded why I almost stopped trying so hard in high school. When I was taking the "normal" classes, everyone else got pissed if you showed any effort. If you could do the work without bitching, then everyone else would be expected to do the same. Your work would be heralded as fabulous and you would be made to feel conflicted - do I do the work for the admiration of my teachers (and, you know, because I'm here to learn), or do I half-ass it to save face among my peers?

Back then, I decided to take as many honors and AP courses as possible to get away from that attitude, mostly because my intelligence was the only thing that was going to get me the fuck out of Fayetteville. Now that I am an adult and in a professional, (hopefully) long term work environment, the consequences are different. Of course, pleasing the one who signs the paychecks is smart for many reasons, but nobody likes the office suck up. Part of me doesn't care what my coworkers think, as it's really only a couple who are adamantly against this change. Part me also understands, to a point, why they don't want to change.

Mostly, though, my boss busts her ass. She runs the school, and has for as long as I've been alive. (No joke.) She gave me a job even though she had some reservations about my age and experience. I like her; she listens and encourages and is actually helpful. I honestly do want to please her because I respect her professionally (though, damn, she could use a vacation).

I guess my point is that I feel uncomfortable when complimented, especially professionally. I don't know if it's because I am insecure (probably), or if it's because I'm not used to it (I'm not), or if I just don't want to be in the spotlight (that's... probably not true). Either way, the beginning of this year has me feeling really good about myself in a way I didn't think I would. There are several times I thought I was going to leave teaching because I just wasn't cut out for it. Now I'm starting to think I might be good at this, even if it does stress me the fuck out sometimes. Let's be honest, though - playing Resident Evil stresses me the fuck out, and you don't see me stopping that. (Plus, I suck at Resident Evil.)

So, yeah, things are good.