I feel the funk coming on, again... exams, bogged down by school/money/work stress... I have to say, I'll be glad when this semester is over and I can recuperate and get ready for next semester - the real coming back to school semester.
You see, this semester is kind of all fun and games. I have to do well - in a few classes, especially - to keep my GPA up and fulfill some requirements. But, technically, I'm not in the school of ed again until the spring. And I'm jumping right back into that puppy - 17 hours of fun-filled Monday-Friday craziness.
Every class I've signed up for next semester I've taken already, except for one. I dropped the semester because of a little breakdown I had all semester that caused me to fuck up in every single class. So, I get to take them all again. Different teachers, though - so I'm sure everything will feel new. I think this makes it harder, actually... I'll have to get over the frustration of "I could have passed this the first time and been done with it" as well as try to fucking amaze everyone with my passion, intelligence, and togetherness (because everyone who was around for my last attempt at this semester kinda walked on eggshells around me when I started working toward coming back.) Luckily, most of the people that were teaching/advising/etc are gone - retired, moved to different departments, etc - so I won't have a bunch of people just waiting for me to lose it, again. Unfortunately, this means nobody really knows my situation (except for what is undoubtedly written in my record), and so I won't have the same support I had before.
The best thing I think to do, here, is to pretend I never did it. I'm sure there's record of my taking these classes somewhere, but they're not on my stuff online, it doesn't show up on transcripts, etc. It's like it never happened. So I should treat it that way. Make a fresh start, etc. I've not really been doing that this semester, but it's hard to "start over" halfway through your education.
I fucking NEED to graduate this time. I really WANT to be done by May 2008, though I'm starting to get anxious that I'll end up needing to take a few classes the following fall. I really, really, really hope that's not the case. I haven't met with my real advisor, yet... I'm planning to do that when the craziness of this semester calms a bit to plan out my realistic graduation timeline.
I know there are people older than me that have never been to college... there are people younger than me that have 3 degrees, too. I don't care about any of them... if I don't graduate, I will feel useless and pathetic. Not because I can't do what that person can do, but because I KNOW I CAN DO THIS!!!
In high school, I graduated in the top 10% of a graduating class of about 400+ people (I really want to say I was ranked 17th... I know I was close to the top 10). I was an honor student, a member of the National Honor Society, I took every available AP class that came my way, I played in the orchestra, and I turned down the International Baccalaureate program when they started it up at my school because, even though I was qualified, I didn't want to completely burn out before college even started. I could have graduated early, but I wanted to graduate with my friends, so I didn't.
I felt stupid when I got to college. This says a lot about UNC, about college in general, and about the state of high schools - people bitch and moan that minorities shouldn't have special consideration to get into college because if they're smart enough, they'll get in, but that's bullshit. I don't think they should need special consideration, either, but at the same time, my school was a decent school - very "college-prep" oriented... lots of practical training (as soon as I knew I wanted to teach, I joined a class in which I tutored every day at a local elementary school for an hour a day). I didn't come out of that prepared for a four-year university and a professional degree program. I can't even phathom that somebody coming out of a high school in a disadvantaged community would be prepared, either.
That's a bit off topic... the point is I'm struggling through college. I have since day one. I'm not sure what I should be doing differently, but holy crap I suck at this. I can get by (I think), but I don't want to get by. I want those As and Bs and Dean's Lists and special smart-people awards. I gave up on that shit freshman year, but I'd at least like to feel like I can pull a C out of my ass if I try a little - a B if I try real hard. Instead, I'm worried about FAILING. AGAIN.
I could do more - should do more. I'm working on that. I could work less and study more. I'll be working on that, too - for next semester.
Please, though, let me fucking pass this semester - let me get good enough grades to keep my GPA at least where it is (raising it a bit would be nice...). I just need to finish up, so I can kick ass next semester.
I have an exam tomorrow. I don't believe in fate, religion, voodoo, or whatever - but if any of you out there do, could you send some prayers/good vibes/etc my way? Hell, I don't believe in it, but it can't fucking hurt.
And if you wanna place a curse on the TAs grading my exam that'll make them give me a better grade, I can probably snag some hair for ya...
You see, this semester is kind of all fun and games. I have to do well - in a few classes, especially - to keep my GPA up and fulfill some requirements. But, technically, I'm not in the school of ed again until the spring. And I'm jumping right back into that puppy - 17 hours of fun-filled Monday-Friday craziness.
Every class I've signed up for next semester I've taken already, except for one. I dropped the semester because of a little breakdown I had all semester that caused me to fuck up in every single class. So, I get to take them all again. Different teachers, though - so I'm sure everything will feel new. I think this makes it harder, actually... I'll have to get over the frustration of "I could have passed this the first time and been done with it" as well as try to fucking amaze everyone with my passion, intelligence, and togetherness (because everyone who was around for my last attempt at this semester kinda walked on eggshells around me when I started working toward coming back.) Luckily, most of the people that were teaching/advising/etc are gone - retired, moved to different departments, etc - so I won't have a bunch of people just waiting for me to lose it, again. Unfortunately, this means nobody really knows my situation (except for what is undoubtedly written in my record), and so I won't have the same support I had before.
The best thing I think to do, here, is to pretend I never did it. I'm sure there's record of my taking these classes somewhere, but they're not on my stuff online, it doesn't show up on transcripts, etc. It's like it never happened. So I should treat it that way. Make a fresh start, etc. I've not really been doing that this semester, but it's hard to "start over" halfway through your education.
I fucking NEED to graduate this time. I really WANT to be done by May 2008, though I'm starting to get anxious that I'll end up needing to take a few classes the following fall. I really, really, really hope that's not the case. I haven't met with my real advisor, yet... I'm planning to do that when the craziness of this semester calms a bit to plan out my realistic graduation timeline.
I know there are people older than me that have never been to college... there are people younger than me that have 3 degrees, too. I don't care about any of them... if I don't graduate, I will feel useless and pathetic. Not because I can't do what that person can do, but because I KNOW I CAN DO THIS!!!
In high school, I graduated in the top 10% of a graduating class of about 400+ people (I really want to say I was ranked 17th... I know I was close to the top 10). I was an honor student, a member of the National Honor Society, I took every available AP class that came my way, I played in the orchestra, and I turned down the International Baccalaureate program when they started it up at my school because, even though I was qualified, I didn't want to completely burn out before college even started. I could have graduated early, but I wanted to graduate with my friends, so I didn't.
I felt stupid when I got to college. This says a lot about UNC, about college in general, and about the state of high schools - people bitch and moan that minorities shouldn't have special consideration to get into college because if they're smart enough, they'll get in, but that's bullshit. I don't think they should need special consideration, either, but at the same time, my school was a decent school - very "college-prep" oriented... lots of practical training (as soon as I knew I wanted to teach, I joined a class in which I tutored every day at a local elementary school for an hour a day). I didn't come out of that prepared for a four-year university and a professional degree program. I can't even phathom that somebody coming out of a high school in a disadvantaged community would be prepared, either.
That's a bit off topic... the point is I'm struggling through college. I have since day one. I'm not sure what I should be doing differently, but holy crap I suck at this. I can get by (I think), but I don't want to get by. I want those As and Bs and Dean's Lists and special smart-people awards. I gave up on that shit freshman year, but I'd at least like to feel like I can pull a C out of my ass if I try a little - a B if I try real hard. Instead, I'm worried about FAILING. AGAIN.
I could do more - should do more. I'm working on that. I could work less and study more. I'll be working on that, too - for next semester.
Please, though, let me fucking pass this semester - let me get good enough grades to keep my GPA at least where it is (raising it a bit would be nice...). I just need to finish up, so I can kick ass next semester.
I have an exam tomorrow. I don't believe in fate, religion, voodoo, or whatever - but if any of you out there do, could you send some prayers/good vibes/etc my way? Hell, I don't believe in it, but it can't fucking hurt.
And if you wanna place a curse on the TAs grading my exam that'll make them give me a better grade, I can probably snag some hair for ya...
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Today we left Toby for about an hour and he was not crying when we came back, though he had clearly tried to get out while we were gone. But still, baby steps.
And colllege is a rude wakeup call for lots of people. It's like, "Wait, i thought i was smart and special!" and you realize the whole thing is a pyramid and you've moved up. You're now on a level where everyone is like you. But life is about seeing who bucks up when the pressure is on, and you are obviously smart and capable enough to do anything you set your mind to. So go whomp some ass, and even if you're feeling overwhelmed, fake it.