Does a person ever change?
A friend and I are having an ongoing dialogue about religion. I hate religious conversations with religious people. They believe it is so important. I'm not talking about Faith and Belief; I am talking about churches and propaganda to reign in the ignorant/innocent and the fearful. Anyways, she's pro religion while I am a lapsed Believer. It's pretty funny from an exterior view; I was once hardcore, to the point that I thought lowly of her because of her gypsy lifestyle of drugs, sex and rock n' roll. Now she belittles me because I don't believe as she (this is supposed to be a friendly debate going on but it will end on bitter terms... but I wrote off this friendship many years ago for different reasons so I'm not worried). Oh, the irony.
So I wrote the whole damn world off. Fuck you all, I said. Yet I sit here right now trying to figure out how to help my mother (a woman who has screwed me over more than once as an adult; a parent's rearing is never reciprocated; it is always paid forward). And I will offer kindly advice to my coworker when she complains about her engaged beau believing she will see reason when I know in my heart of hearts that her sob stories are in-the-moment stories. As in, he and she had a row that morning and she's pissed off but it will pass and they'll have a grand weekend out on the boat (I hate people with boats, too). Why complain about someone, want away from someone and then talk about your date night and all the movies viewed on the living room arm chair. Bleh, I digress. The point is I realize I'm being an idiot and caring... like TheFly of years before. I fucking swear like a goddam sailor and am beginning to drink like an amphibian at least (this message brought to you by Smirnoff) but at my core how much have I changed? I ponder this as I think to myself how strong I once was. I was never fucking strong, never had the will to keep others at bay. Innocent and ignorant. And I still am.
It is interesting, in respect to the friend mentioned above, for though she seems a completely different person to me now I wonder how much of what she is at this moment is exactly what she was near 15 years ago out of high school. Has she really changed or is she just accenting different parts of her personality as I am doing with myself. It makes you start to wonder about yourself and people. Another coworker at work and his girl of six months just broke up (he was just hired from a different department and she works the floor our office is on be it a different shift; upon finding out I found it the most hilarious thing... I am a mean old man) and I have to wonder what changed in a scant six months to change their relationship. This morning, I have come to the perception that nothing changed. They are still the same two people; whoever broke it off is accenting another part of themselves more than they were a half year ago. That seems to be all that life is, a series of undulating levels of personality. As such, we can never fully trust those we love and, scarier yet, we cannot trust even ourselves. We spend life learning the rules only to realize we do not live by them.
A friend and I are having an ongoing dialogue about religion. I hate religious conversations with religious people. They believe it is so important. I'm not talking about Faith and Belief; I am talking about churches and propaganda to reign in the ignorant/innocent and the fearful. Anyways, she's pro religion while I am a lapsed Believer. It's pretty funny from an exterior view; I was once hardcore, to the point that I thought lowly of her because of her gypsy lifestyle of drugs, sex and rock n' roll. Now she belittles me because I don't believe as she (this is supposed to be a friendly debate going on but it will end on bitter terms... but I wrote off this friendship many years ago for different reasons so I'm not worried). Oh, the irony.
So I wrote the whole damn world off. Fuck you all, I said. Yet I sit here right now trying to figure out how to help my mother (a woman who has screwed me over more than once as an adult; a parent's rearing is never reciprocated; it is always paid forward). And I will offer kindly advice to my coworker when she complains about her engaged beau believing she will see reason when I know in my heart of hearts that her sob stories are in-the-moment stories. As in, he and she had a row that morning and she's pissed off but it will pass and they'll have a grand weekend out on the boat (I hate people with boats, too). Why complain about someone, want away from someone and then talk about your date night and all the movies viewed on the living room arm chair. Bleh, I digress. The point is I realize I'm being an idiot and caring... like TheFly of years before. I fucking swear like a goddam sailor and am beginning to drink like an amphibian at least (this message brought to you by Smirnoff) but at my core how much have I changed? I ponder this as I think to myself how strong I once was. I was never fucking strong, never had the will to keep others at bay. Innocent and ignorant. And I still am.
It is interesting, in respect to the friend mentioned above, for though she seems a completely different person to me now I wonder how much of what she is at this moment is exactly what she was near 15 years ago out of high school. Has she really changed or is she just accenting different parts of her personality as I am doing with myself. It makes you start to wonder about yourself and people. Another coworker at work and his girl of six months just broke up (he was just hired from a different department and she works the floor our office is on be it a different shift; upon finding out I found it the most hilarious thing... I am a mean old man) and I have to wonder what changed in a scant six months to change their relationship. This morning, I have come to the perception that nothing changed. They are still the same two people; whoever broke it off is accenting another part of themselves more than they were a half year ago. That seems to be all that life is, a series of undulating levels of personality. As such, we can never fully trust those we love and, scarier yet, we cannot trust even ourselves. We spend life learning the rules only to realize we do not live by them.