Nope, sorry, still not happy. So this is another overthetop downinthedumps post.
Plus I'm drunk and that's never good (but I type good, no?)
I got a little uplifted last Tuesday for I voted for the first time though this time like every time doesn't matter (I don't vote because a president is decided by electoral votes and not the popular vote and, therefore, is never elected by the fucking people so the people do not run this country; Wiki the electoral college about that shit) and Obama won. Wow. But here's the thing, I'm not sure if he's right for the job. Neither was McCain but Obama kept using the phrase "yes we can" and I believe he believes that and even if it's ignorant naivet it is what this country needs. And he could royally fuck things up but I still believe it's the thing this country needs. So I basked in this moment of history that I can say I was apart of.
I also went on a bender of Ghost Hunters and House, M.D. episodes (along with Royal Crown and Jameson's) the whole night. That was pretty nice. It's really nice since I gave up caffeine. Ironic isn't it? I gave up the Dew (because I thought I was caffeine toxic, causing chest pains) and picked up a different bottle. Yet in this morning light I still question, while still drunk, what people see in this frame of mind. My father starts drinking about this time of morning and usually leaves a 32 oz cup on his desk as he stumbles off to sleep in the night and I wonder how anyone could enjoy this feeling. However, I adhere to a phrase coined by Harrison Ford; whenever someone in the early 80s came to him spouting "use The Force" he would reply "Force yourself." And that's what I do, force myself to maintain a certain level of sobriety. It sucks because I'm not sober and I restrict myself from enjoying the buzz I could if I didn't give a shit. Like my father.
I also saw The Strangers the other day and it's fucked with my head (while sober). I'm am paranoid to the max and the idea of people busting up in here scares the fucking shit out of me. It doesn't help that I'm up all hours of the night and it's fucking dark in the sticks. I also had that lady knocking on my door at 2:30 in the morning about a year ago not to mention the strange group of hispanics that seemed to be casing the neighborhood and the old guy in the station wagon who checked out our neighborhood. It's mostly family but I remember my bike was stolen off my porch when I was preteen so there is a bad element around (not to mention a lot of it being family).
I'm also tired of the night. It's cool when you go to school or work and stay up late and bitch about staying up late at work/school the next day and still do it the next night. It's different when your life is night. Working the night shift you can never have a normal day-life and being up all night is depressing when you live in the sticks and don't do drugs with the cousins. The morning is so refreshing yet you know you have to sleep to get ready to stay up all night for work. I want to live in the sunshine, be freed of the shackles of night.
I also lament my well spent youth. I wasn't the top of my class but I did keep my nose clean and I look back and realize fifteen years have passed me and I have not misspent my teens and twenties. I am now old, which isn't an age but a state of mind, and those who I used to run with misspent their youth and have found a place to belong. I want to belong. I also want to live by Meat Loaf's/Jim Steinman's creed "A wasted youth is better by far than a wise and productive old age." Goddamn straight. I look at my friends who have either gone off the deep end or suffer through bad choices (or fuckups as I like to call them) and realize things changed. Have I changed? Yes, but I think for the better. But I haven't changed in reference to them. I think they haven't, I want to hang out with them as they were then and don't realize exactly who they are now. I should say "friends" because it took several years for me to finally "meet" these people having to wade through the bullshit that is the mask we all wear. I still see things as I did in 2000 or earlier yet these people have gotten married or found Jesus (or, horror, did both). Okay, so we move one but then they won't let me, keep reinforcing the tiny bit of hope that I cling to thinking they are who they were. Example: I am meeting an old friend of mine in a couple of days and I don't know what to make of it. Here is a now married woman in a bad marriage with a family I think she now realizes she didn't want (and I told her as such before she had it) who is taking a solo road trip and wants to meet me along the way. My mind can't figure out if she wants to do so to fuck each other's brains out or to remind me why her and I aren't truly friends anymore (because we're not, she is a brainwashed Stepford Wife of her husband's design and I am more like she was fifteen years ago). All I want to do is write, take pictures and do art and belong. Why is that too much to ask?
I think this is the most honest thought I've ever posted here. Don't hold it against me because it's not the Irish whiskey talking. Or... hold it against me and see the person I am inside and not the meek shell I've hidden within for thirty years.
Plus I'm drunk and that's never good (but I type good, no?)
I got a little uplifted last Tuesday for I voted for the first time though this time like every time doesn't matter (I don't vote because a president is decided by electoral votes and not the popular vote and, therefore, is never elected by the fucking people so the people do not run this country; Wiki the electoral college about that shit) and Obama won. Wow. But here's the thing, I'm not sure if he's right for the job. Neither was McCain but Obama kept using the phrase "yes we can" and I believe he believes that and even if it's ignorant naivet it is what this country needs. And he could royally fuck things up but I still believe it's the thing this country needs. So I basked in this moment of history that I can say I was apart of.
I also went on a bender of Ghost Hunters and House, M.D. episodes (along with Royal Crown and Jameson's) the whole night. That was pretty nice. It's really nice since I gave up caffeine. Ironic isn't it? I gave up the Dew (because I thought I was caffeine toxic, causing chest pains) and picked up a different bottle. Yet in this morning light I still question, while still drunk, what people see in this frame of mind. My father starts drinking about this time of morning and usually leaves a 32 oz cup on his desk as he stumbles off to sleep in the night and I wonder how anyone could enjoy this feeling. However, I adhere to a phrase coined by Harrison Ford; whenever someone in the early 80s came to him spouting "use The Force" he would reply "Force yourself." And that's what I do, force myself to maintain a certain level of sobriety. It sucks because I'm not sober and I restrict myself from enjoying the buzz I could if I didn't give a shit. Like my father.
I also saw The Strangers the other day and it's fucked with my head (while sober). I'm am paranoid to the max and the idea of people busting up in here scares the fucking shit out of me. It doesn't help that I'm up all hours of the night and it's fucking dark in the sticks. I also had that lady knocking on my door at 2:30 in the morning about a year ago not to mention the strange group of hispanics that seemed to be casing the neighborhood and the old guy in the station wagon who checked out our neighborhood. It's mostly family but I remember my bike was stolen off my porch when I was preteen so there is a bad element around (not to mention a lot of it being family).
I'm also tired of the night. It's cool when you go to school or work and stay up late and bitch about staying up late at work/school the next day and still do it the next night. It's different when your life is night. Working the night shift you can never have a normal day-life and being up all night is depressing when you live in the sticks and don't do drugs with the cousins. The morning is so refreshing yet you know you have to sleep to get ready to stay up all night for work. I want to live in the sunshine, be freed of the shackles of night.
I also lament my well spent youth. I wasn't the top of my class but I did keep my nose clean and I look back and realize fifteen years have passed me and I have not misspent my teens and twenties. I am now old, which isn't an age but a state of mind, and those who I used to run with misspent their youth and have found a place to belong. I want to belong. I also want to live by Meat Loaf's/Jim Steinman's creed "A wasted youth is better by far than a wise and productive old age." Goddamn straight. I look at my friends who have either gone off the deep end or suffer through bad choices (or fuckups as I like to call them) and realize things changed. Have I changed? Yes, but I think for the better. But I haven't changed in reference to them. I think they haven't, I want to hang out with them as they were then and don't realize exactly who they are now. I should say "friends" because it took several years for me to finally "meet" these people having to wade through the bullshit that is the mask we all wear. I still see things as I did in 2000 or earlier yet these people have gotten married or found Jesus (or, horror, did both). Okay, so we move one but then they won't let me, keep reinforcing the tiny bit of hope that I cling to thinking they are who they were. Example: I am meeting an old friend of mine in a couple of days and I don't know what to make of it. Here is a now married woman in a bad marriage with a family I think she now realizes she didn't want (and I told her as such before she had it) who is taking a solo road trip and wants to meet me along the way. My mind can't figure out if she wants to do so to fuck each other's brains out or to remind me why her and I aren't truly friends anymore (because we're not, she is a brainwashed Stepford Wife of her husband's design and I am more like she was fifteen years ago). All I want to do is write, take pictures and do art and belong. Why is that too much to ask?
I think this is the most honest thought I've ever posted here. Don't hold it against me because it's not the Irish whiskey talking. Or... hold it against me and see the person I am inside and not the meek shell I've hidden within for thirty years.