I have a friend that may have just gone crazy. She's teetered for awhile on the brink, said for years that she's bipolar. But she has fallen into such a deep depression. It annoys the piss out of me.
Let me explain...
I am in therapy right now though I'm starting to believe I don't need it (or it means the therapy is working, not sure yet). This friend hasn't had the best of lives though as far as anything truly detrimental happening to her she says there's nothing. No abuse, no dependencies. Nothing but possible chemical imbalance. In fact, the only "bad" that has happened in her life she did herself. She forced a man to marry her and wanted his child at 21, to wait would make her too old, she thought. After years of marriage neither of these things that would complete her brings satisfaction. I'm trying to find the point where this suffering began for her. She endured at least two miscarriages before bearing her son. I'd almost say it was that far back, before actually giving birth. But she has always been... prone to manic behavior. She literally beat the shit out of her husband because he let his ex baby momma in their house once when she was picking up his older son. It is my thought that she has suffered from abandonment issues and doesn't feel anyone truly wants or loves her.
Apparently my email telling her that the reason her and I don't stay in touch, which she laments, is because she doesn't. That was when she informed me how even balled up in bed she can't do anything right.
I know depression is a personal thing. Everyone feels it differently and for different reasons. But the issue she has, of not being cared and loved for is bullshit. She is loved. But because her son doesn't listen to her ALL the time he doesn't love her and would be better off without her. Granted, I'm not the best person for her to unload on. I've been fucked over in relationships, I haven't had a fucking relationship in over ten years now, and she possesses all those things I always thought would make my life complete. She is fucking living my dream, the dream she said she always wanted and is unhappy with it. All I ever wanted was someone who gave a damn. Even if she can't get such from her family, I've always been nearby to lend support. But listening to the same laments and seeing her make no moves to resolve them is not support.
Yes, this post is cruel. But my thought of depression is simple. At least for me, it's a longing for something that is lacking in life. You see it in stroke victims who have become burdens on their families or cancer patients who have no family and will die alone. That is my fear: to die alone without ever being able to share a life with someone/someones. I am alone, I am in a deadend job. I have felt the bite of a razor and tasted the gun barrel. It's because I don't matter. Never have. I have therapy to help me come to grips with that and move on with my life. My friend, on the other hand, needs therapy or something (fuck drugs, they don't do shit) to help her be happy with what she has. And that's bogus
Let me explain...
I am in therapy right now though I'm starting to believe I don't need it (or it means the therapy is working, not sure yet). This friend hasn't had the best of lives though as far as anything truly detrimental happening to her she says there's nothing. No abuse, no dependencies. Nothing but possible chemical imbalance. In fact, the only "bad" that has happened in her life she did herself. She forced a man to marry her and wanted his child at 21, to wait would make her too old, she thought. After years of marriage neither of these things that would complete her brings satisfaction. I'm trying to find the point where this suffering began for her. She endured at least two miscarriages before bearing her son. I'd almost say it was that far back, before actually giving birth. But she has always been... prone to manic behavior. She literally beat the shit out of her husband because he let his ex baby momma in their house once when she was picking up his older son. It is my thought that she has suffered from abandonment issues and doesn't feel anyone truly wants or loves her.
Apparently my email telling her that the reason her and I don't stay in touch, which she laments, is because she doesn't. That was when she informed me how even balled up in bed she can't do anything right.
I know depression is a personal thing. Everyone feels it differently and for different reasons. But the issue she has, of not being cared and loved for is bullshit. She is loved. But because her son doesn't listen to her ALL the time he doesn't love her and would be better off without her. Granted, I'm not the best person for her to unload on. I've been fucked over in relationships, I haven't had a fucking relationship in over ten years now, and she possesses all those things I always thought would make my life complete. She is fucking living my dream, the dream she said she always wanted and is unhappy with it. All I ever wanted was someone who gave a damn. Even if she can't get such from her family, I've always been nearby to lend support. But listening to the same laments and seeing her make no moves to resolve them is not support.
Yes, this post is cruel. But my thought of depression is simple. At least for me, it's a longing for something that is lacking in life. You see it in stroke victims who have become burdens on their families or cancer patients who have no family and will die alone. That is my fear: to die alone without ever being able to share a life with someone/someones. I am alone, I am in a deadend job. I have felt the bite of a razor and tasted the gun barrel. It's because I don't matter. Never have. I have therapy to help me come to grips with that and move on with my life. My friend, on the other hand, needs therapy or something (fuck drugs, they don't do shit) to help her be happy with what she has. And that's bogus
raen:
IMO sometimes nothing matters unless drugs balance out the chemistry first. At one time I spent months in therapy and hundreds, probably thousands of dollars over a few years before having a complete nervous breakdown... because I wasn't taking the drugs (and also eating the wheat gluten I'm allergic too was the main factor, but omitting that or trying to for the past few years has done nothing). Then I ended up back in this guy's office in a pathetic state... with him now longer willing to listen to my sad tirades, continually telling me that this person or thing I was so fucked up over was not my problem... they were just the "Activator" and I was just "horriblizing" everything. fucking headshrinkers.