Why am I so haunted by the past at this time and place? My mind continuously rolls with images and voices that I haven't seen in years. Haven't seen because they no longer exist. And even those that still do and I do have contact with I'm wary about talking with them. Sadly, it's my distance kept from them that make sense. I have a friend who I've been in touch with since high school. Four emails and a phone call (without a message left, in my defense) I do not want to get in touch with her.
Because things change. She's married with children. That changes everything. Not because of an attraction factor (I attempted that once and was shot down... I am no more than a friend of convenience, in single times and in betrothal) but because she represents my senior days of high school and the precarious years before your twenties. She represents youth and part time jobs and the freedom of still belonging to your parents. Now to see her I have to endure the husband and the kids. No treks through the woods or staying out until 4am and talking in her aunt's carport until the sun came up. Her life has progressed while mine hasn't. Finding an object of desire or making a complete move with one's life could cure these thoughts of yesteryear, limiting them to the side effects of reminiscence, but I have been unable to move on.
And unable to relive those glory days.
I liken myself to a paradox in time, existing not now and not belonging then. Ah, to settle down with a nice, loving SG would be a dream. Or perhaps her and I could exist in this dimension beyond dimensions and time restraints and continue to be recent graduates while everyone else grows up, grows old. I'm open to either; I just don't want to do it alone.
Notes: couldn't post this on my blog because my friend reads it; the conjuring of the above words is partly brought to you by Jameson's Irish Whiskey (though let that not take away their brevity, perhaps accenting with prose instead)
Because things change. She's married with children. That changes everything. Not because of an attraction factor (I attempted that once and was shot down... I am no more than a friend of convenience, in single times and in betrothal) but because she represents my senior days of high school and the precarious years before your twenties. She represents youth and part time jobs and the freedom of still belonging to your parents. Now to see her I have to endure the husband and the kids. No treks through the woods or staying out until 4am and talking in her aunt's carport until the sun came up. Her life has progressed while mine hasn't. Finding an object of desire or making a complete move with one's life could cure these thoughts of yesteryear, limiting them to the side effects of reminiscence, but I have been unable to move on.
And unable to relive those glory days.
I liken myself to a paradox in time, existing not now and not belonging then. Ah, to settle down with a nice, loving SG would be a dream. Or perhaps her and I could exist in this dimension beyond dimensions and time restraints and continue to be recent graduates while everyone else grows up, grows old. I'm open to either; I just don't want to do it alone.
Notes: couldn't post this on my blog because my friend reads it; the conjuring of the above words is partly brought to you by Jameson's Irish Whiskey (though let that not take away their brevity, perhaps accenting with prose instead)
erynn:
wow, that's kinda deep to be just whiskey talking. i feel like that sometimes, and i'm only 20. i, of course, intend to stay young for many years to come. but for now, i need to get my ass ready for work.