I'm in this production of Dracula as Renfield. The crazy guy. I have some worries about the production but that's not what this post is about. Yesterday at rehearsal the director wanted me to go in a certain direction. All fine and dandy except to get to that emotion I had to think about something I haven't thought of in years. Something I find difficult to talk about with my friends but easy in a post where anonymous strangers can read. Four years ago I had a mental breakdown. It was building for longer but that's when it climaxed. I had ten panic attacks in four months. I cut myself. And strangest of all I thought I could see the future. Three of the visions I saw actually came true. Well two and a half really. However, none of them really affect me personally. Those all seem to have been false. One in particular haunted me. I was to be a famous writer and marry Eliza Dushku, I mean who isn't in love with her already? That's not what cuts me though. What gets me is we were to have a daughter. A girl who will only exist in my mind. Never to be born. That is what I thought about at rehearsal. Not the fame, not the fortune, or even the career I want to follow. I don't even really mind not being married to the woman of my dreams. The fact that the little girl I dreamed up and believed would live never existing still depresses me.
After rehearsal I was in a funk that lasted for hours. I thought about telling the director, telling my friends. How could I make them understand when I don't? Some of them know I thought I could see the future. None know this though. I can talk with ease about any vision but the ones touching my personal life. It's like there's a weight on my tongue that refuses to be moved. I guess Patrick Rothfuss was right when he talked of secrets of the heart and those of the tongue. I have a secret of the heart.