Today I went to the mall and bought a hatchet.
(I loved writing that sentence. Give me a minute.)
(Actually, that's really all that needs to be explained about that. I like it.)
In the last two days I did something I'm not extremely proud of: I posted a personals ad on Craigslist. No, I'm not going to direct you to it, but if you're desperately curious suffice to say it's still up and if you know anything about me and my current situation, you might be able to find it fairly easily.
I received almost a hundred responses in less than twenty-four hours. As a result, I have learned some very Valuable Lessons about writing personals ads, the most important of which being: don't place your personal ad online at 2:30 A.M. Prudence is not my long point at 2:30 A.M.--the time, incidentally, at which I am presently writing this entry.
The jist of my ad was that I am young and desperate and therefore about to go on a very long, penniless road trip around the country and, hey, by the way, would anyone like to go with me? I had a few stipulations for qualification. Mainly, I just thought it would be neat to have someone along to share the bad camp food and to help out along the way.
Responses included:
-Two (2) misogynists who called me names that made me laugh.
-Eleven (11) old men who suggested I come live in their condos with them.
-Five (5) Asians who all, for some reason, sent me their physical measurements and nothing more. I don't know why only Asians did this. I wouldn't like to speculate.
-Fifteen (15) form letter responses. I know they were form letters because no conscious person responds to an ad like mine saying, "You seem like you COULD BE INTERESTING."
-Forty-Three (43) people who couldn't Drop Everything and Leave but, for some reason, figured the two weeks I alloted to get to know my potential traveling partner would be plenty of time to "show me a good time in the city." Let's see, twenty four hours in a day, times fourteen days, divided by three long, glorious minutes per sex act...
-Twelve (12) who claimed to want to Drop Everything and Leave but, upon further questioning, turned out to be Full of Shit.
-Four (4) who seem to actually want to leave with me. I will have to have them eliminated, obviously.
-Two (2) black guys who "Don't date white girls normally, but..." I have no idea how to feel about a concession like that. Am I allowed to answer personal ads with "I don't date black guys normally, but..."?
-One (1) enlarged color photograph of a grainy vagina being plowed by a grainy penis.
-Four (4) job offers, including one guy who seems quite serious about setting me up as a mortgage broker and making fairly ridiculous sums of cash.
-One (1) offer of a trip to Paris for three months. Or a housesitting job in the Bay Area. Whichever.
Craigslist is awesome. I think I'll just travel alone, though. Or become a fabulously wealthy mortgage broker (unlikely). Or housesit.
I am never at a lack for wonder at the kind of amazing situations the universe brings me. Does everyone feel like this?
Tomorrow I find out if I still have a job. That will make almost no difference at all, really.
(I loved writing that sentence. Give me a minute.)
(Actually, that's really all that needs to be explained about that. I like it.)
In the last two days I did something I'm not extremely proud of: I posted a personals ad on Craigslist. No, I'm not going to direct you to it, but if you're desperately curious suffice to say it's still up and if you know anything about me and my current situation, you might be able to find it fairly easily.
I received almost a hundred responses in less than twenty-four hours. As a result, I have learned some very Valuable Lessons about writing personals ads, the most important of which being: don't place your personal ad online at 2:30 A.M. Prudence is not my long point at 2:30 A.M.--the time, incidentally, at which I am presently writing this entry.
The jist of my ad was that I am young and desperate and therefore about to go on a very long, penniless road trip around the country and, hey, by the way, would anyone like to go with me? I had a few stipulations for qualification. Mainly, I just thought it would be neat to have someone along to share the bad camp food and to help out along the way.
Responses included:
-Two (2) misogynists who called me names that made me laugh.
-Eleven (11) old men who suggested I come live in their condos with them.
-Five (5) Asians who all, for some reason, sent me their physical measurements and nothing more. I don't know why only Asians did this. I wouldn't like to speculate.
-Fifteen (15) form letter responses. I know they were form letters because no conscious person responds to an ad like mine saying, "You seem like you COULD BE INTERESTING."
-Forty-Three (43) people who couldn't Drop Everything and Leave but, for some reason, figured the two weeks I alloted to get to know my potential traveling partner would be plenty of time to "show me a good time in the city." Let's see, twenty four hours in a day, times fourteen days, divided by three long, glorious minutes per sex act...
-Twelve (12) who claimed to want to Drop Everything and Leave but, upon further questioning, turned out to be Full of Shit.
-Four (4) who seem to actually want to leave with me. I will have to have them eliminated, obviously.
-Two (2) black guys who "Don't date white girls normally, but..." I have no idea how to feel about a concession like that. Am I allowed to answer personal ads with "I don't date black guys normally, but..."?
-One (1) enlarged color photograph of a grainy vagina being plowed by a grainy penis.
-Four (4) job offers, including one guy who seems quite serious about setting me up as a mortgage broker and making fairly ridiculous sums of cash.
-One (1) offer of a trip to Paris for three months. Or a housesitting job in the Bay Area. Whichever.
Craigslist is awesome. I think I'll just travel alone, though. Or become a fabulously wealthy mortgage broker (unlikely). Or housesit.
I am never at a lack for wonder at the kind of amazing situations the universe brings me. Does everyone feel like this?
Tomorrow I find out if I still have a job. That will make almost no difference at all, really.
VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
ericdravyn:
How are your travel plans coming? Say hello to your hatchet for me... 
thelastbeliever:
Holy shit. I'm not suprised you had so many responses with an ad like that 
