but I just had to put it down.
I am so sick of hurting, I am so fed up of reading stories of love and kindness and crying within the first few lines. I'm so sick of seeing videos from people helping animals in need, or kindness being repaid to those who deserve it and ending up in a mess.
I'm so torn up inside, that even doing breathing exercises brings me to tears instead of relaxing me. I don't even have the peace of mind to sit in silence without being drawn to the pain and anguish I have inside and ending up in an emotional mess.
I want to be better, I want to not instantly think of past negatives and the sadness that is in my past. I should be thinking of the possibilities in life, meeting new people, having fun with the old and spending quality time with those that matter, not missing people in different countries, not getting down about the jobs I've applied for but never heard back from and most definitely not about things I can't change.
Good mental health is something that so many take for granted, which is why it makes me so angry when people don't understand it, or even try.
Nearly all of the people with invisible illnesses get treated so unbelievably badly on a daily basis and the vast majority of the time, the perpetrators don't even know they are doing it. There is no way to know how to cope with someone else's depression, the only thing you can ever do is just listen and try to understand them and be open to whatever they tell you, no matter how insane these things may sound. No two sufferers are the same and their issues can differ wildly and for the love of God, never tell them you know what it feels like, because you don't. If you suffer, you may think you know how it feels to have these problems, but you are not privy to the thought patterns and reactions to situations that this person is. Just focus on really listening to what they say to you because unless you are a licenced professional, you probably won't be able to give them what they need.
I don't know what it is, but Tool are such an emotive band. They really get into to your head and push those buttons that cause a reaction. Stinkfist is one of my all time favourite songs, let alone my favourite Tool song and there is just something about the last 2 mins of the song that just destroys me everytime I hear it. Apparently it is about a friend of drummer Danny Carey's who Danny wasn't afraid of "getting his hands dirty" to help him. On the AEnima tour, Maynard James Keenan introduce the song by saying it was about "choosing compassion over fear" and not the fist fucking that so many people thought it was lazily dubbed. There isn't one lyric that stands above another in this song, the whole tortured tale speaks volume of love for another through pain. Everyone should know and understand what it means to love another more than yourself.
Right now, I have a stack of new albums to listen to, Nero, Chvrches, Atreyu, Troye Sivan, TesseracT, Parkway Drive and probably others, but I am stuck on a compilation of a small amount of very new stuff and mostly super old. I think this is because the majority of these tracks are emotive to me and I think it's my heads way of trying to get me to feel something else apart from the sadness I feel most of the time.
I've had to fortune to go to some new events recently and played with some friends and had a really great positive reaction from them and those watching the scenes which for me is hard to believe, but I'll take any positive credit I can get. I find it hard to believe because I am just going with what feels right. I've never read up on how to flog or spank anyone, or how to use paddles or floggers properly, I'm just going with what feels right for the person I am with. I've also found out I really enjoy double teaming a sub / bottom with another dominant. Doing this means there is twice the amount of affection and attention going on, but also double the amount of punishment dealt out. There is nothing more fun then making someone wait for a hit and for it to come in as a double hit. I hope that I get more of these opportunities to play with new people, go to different clubs and parties and generally get to know some more people.
I started this post in an attempt to vent some of what flows through my head daily, but soon ended up with me doing what my brain does from moment to moment, jumping around subjects that go through my head at any one moment. If you have had trouble following where this post has done, imagine what it's like to be the owner of the brain that does this?
Till next time... Safe journeys