I was hit by a bomb last night. My friend of ten years, and current roommate, is on Crack.
This is a female friend (actually an ex girlfriend from sooo long ago that that part of our past is almost forgotten), with a 14 year old son. She has always been erratic, often times with bewildering bad judgement, but responsible enough to not let it affect how she was able to raise her son.
This past summer she was looking for a roommate at about the same time I was looking for a new place to live, and so we rented a house together. Her income was taking care of an elderly woman, and when the woman died, my friend lost her job. She got paid for an additional month, during which time she was to find a job. During that time however, two other things happened. Her boyfriend, the supposed love of her life. I say supposed, as this friend is unfortunately the type of woman who can't be alone, and while she generally has long term relationships, when one ends she is with a new guy (whoever is convenient and close) within weeks. Also, she was introduced to a new "friend", who was a) homeless b) recovering heroine addict and I found out later c) occassional prostitute. A REALLY bad sign, but my friend has always been the type of person to try to help others, and as a general rule I try to remain open minded about people to an extent. I tried to take at face value that my roommate was trying to help this woman (who wasn't that old) get her life on track, and that maybe this person really was trying to get help.
So, the problem was that this new "friend" introduced my roommate to a whole new crowd of people, and my roommate didn't get a job, preferring to instead live on her kids child support money instead and invited strange people to come over all of the time. I got pissed at her, because she was spending her time partying (although she got pissed at me in return for "judging" her new friends and "assuming" she was partying), and she wasn't taking very good care of her son anymore. Luckily I had a real good relationship with her son, since I've known him since he was three, and he had sort of a hero worship thing going for me since he thought I was so cool, and smart etc. I made sure he ate. I hung out with him so he wasn't alone all of the time. I kept him away from his mom's new friends. Basicly, I became his new parent.
Now at this time, I was keeping myself and her son away from what was going on, but in truth, I really didn't know exactly what WAS going on, other than it seemed she no longer cared about her old friends, she had no cares about finding a job or being a real mother, she made it pretty clear that she now hated me for giving her a hard time about her recent decisions and for "judging" all of the new friends, and she had no immediate desire to work again. She also spent little time at home when her son wasn't around, and even when she was home, she hid in her room with her new friends (to be fair, I largely hid in my room with her son to avoid the situation she had brought into the house).
She lost weight. I assumed that she was losing weight from not eatting right, since she rarely had any money anymore. She looked like shit. She started hanging out with a new boyfriend that dressed too nice for someone with no money, and he too looked like shit most of the time. I assumed (correctly I later found out) that he was a drug dealer, or at least a player and user of women (that was also true).
I left for Thanksgiving, and when I came back a few days later, there was no heat in the house, and the dog had shit all over the place because no one had taken it out. Also, no one had cleaned it up either. Luckily her son was at his dad's the whole time, as I knew he would be. It was clear something was much worse than I had imagined, and I had a frank discussion with her son that if I found out his mom was on drugs, he wouldn't be able to stay with her anymore.
Well, even though this is turing into a epic length post, I now have to talk a little bit about the son's dad. His dad is an asshole. A verbally abusive, oppressive asshole. He's also a rich snob, who will think people are shit just because they aren't rich, or working thier ass off to BE rich. This kid, while he loves his dad (he CAN be good at times), says he would rather run away or stay with his mom no matter what, rather than live with his dad. This kid is terrified of having to live with his dad, with no other place to go. The 2-4 days a week he spends at his dad's house is more than he wants as is.
So last night I was talking with one of my roommates new friends, one who was actually trying to help turn things around for herself, and for my roommate, and I finally found out enough of what is going on to know my worst fears are true. She's on crack. Her "boyfriend" is on drugs, and is a user of women and has been getting her to spend what little money they have for partying. Supposedly, as of a few days ago, that guy is out of the picture (but I can't bring myself to believe it). My roommate the last couple weeks has finally seemed to realize that she had really screwed up her life and has been talking about getting back on track, but now that I know what's really been going on, I have my doubts that she can do it.
Sooo, my big problem is what to do about her son. On the one hand, he shouldn't be around his mom when she's like this when he was somewhere else to go. However, he REALLY doesn't want to live with his dad, saying he'd rather run away from home. My feeling is that as long as I'm here, he's ok here as I take care of him and he has no contact with anyone she's involved with. On the other hand, I know any outside person would disagree with that line of thinking and say he's better off with his dad, and if I was wrong for any reason and things did go bad here somehow I'd be to blame. However, if his dad screws up his life with verbal and emotional abuse, wouldn't I be equally to blame? On top of all of this, I no longer want to stay here, and when my lease is up this summer I'm moving, at which point I'll have to make sure his dad knows what was going on anyways, as there is no way I'd leave him alone with his mom anymore (even if she gets her life straight by that point it's too iffy a situation). The only neutral solution I can come up with is to tell her brother what is going on, and see if he can get her some help.
Sooo, any thoughts? Anyone have experiences that compare?
This is a female friend (actually an ex girlfriend from sooo long ago that that part of our past is almost forgotten), with a 14 year old son. She has always been erratic, often times with bewildering bad judgement, but responsible enough to not let it affect how she was able to raise her son.
This past summer she was looking for a roommate at about the same time I was looking for a new place to live, and so we rented a house together. Her income was taking care of an elderly woman, and when the woman died, my friend lost her job. She got paid for an additional month, during which time she was to find a job. During that time however, two other things happened. Her boyfriend, the supposed love of her life. I say supposed, as this friend is unfortunately the type of woman who can't be alone, and while she generally has long term relationships, when one ends she is with a new guy (whoever is convenient and close) within weeks. Also, she was introduced to a new "friend", who was a) homeless b) recovering heroine addict and I found out later c) occassional prostitute. A REALLY bad sign, but my friend has always been the type of person to try to help others, and as a general rule I try to remain open minded about people to an extent. I tried to take at face value that my roommate was trying to help this woman (who wasn't that old) get her life on track, and that maybe this person really was trying to get help.
So, the problem was that this new "friend" introduced my roommate to a whole new crowd of people, and my roommate didn't get a job, preferring to instead live on her kids child support money instead and invited strange people to come over all of the time. I got pissed at her, because she was spending her time partying (although she got pissed at me in return for "judging" her new friends and "assuming" she was partying), and she wasn't taking very good care of her son anymore. Luckily I had a real good relationship with her son, since I've known him since he was three, and he had sort of a hero worship thing going for me since he thought I was so cool, and smart etc. I made sure he ate. I hung out with him so he wasn't alone all of the time. I kept him away from his mom's new friends. Basicly, I became his new parent.
Now at this time, I was keeping myself and her son away from what was going on, but in truth, I really didn't know exactly what WAS going on, other than it seemed she no longer cared about her old friends, she had no cares about finding a job or being a real mother, she made it pretty clear that she now hated me for giving her a hard time about her recent decisions and for "judging" all of the new friends, and she had no immediate desire to work again. She also spent little time at home when her son wasn't around, and even when she was home, she hid in her room with her new friends (to be fair, I largely hid in my room with her son to avoid the situation she had brought into the house).
She lost weight. I assumed that she was losing weight from not eatting right, since she rarely had any money anymore. She looked like shit. She started hanging out with a new boyfriend that dressed too nice for someone with no money, and he too looked like shit most of the time. I assumed (correctly I later found out) that he was a drug dealer, or at least a player and user of women (that was also true).
I left for Thanksgiving, and when I came back a few days later, there was no heat in the house, and the dog had shit all over the place because no one had taken it out. Also, no one had cleaned it up either. Luckily her son was at his dad's the whole time, as I knew he would be. It was clear something was much worse than I had imagined, and I had a frank discussion with her son that if I found out his mom was on drugs, he wouldn't be able to stay with her anymore.
Well, even though this is turing into a epic length post, I now have to talk a little bit about the son's dad. His dad is an asshole. A verbally abusive, oppressive asshole. He's also a rich snob, who will think people are shit just because they aren't rich, or working thier ass off to BE rich. This kid, while he loves his dad (he CAN be good at times), says he would rather run away or stay with his mom no matter what, rather than live with his dad. This kid is terrified of having to live with his dad, with no other place to go. The 2-4 days a week he spends at his dad's house is more than he wants as is.
So last night I was talking with one of my roommates new friends, one who was actually trying to help turn things around for herself, and for my roommate, and I finally found out enough of what is going on to know my worst fears are true. She's on crack. Her "boyfriend" is on drugs, and is a user of women and has been getting her to spend what little money they have for partying. Supposedly, as of a few days ago, that guy is out of the picture (but I can't bring myself to believe it). My roommate the last couple weeks has finally seemed to realize that she had really screwed up her life and has been talking about getting back on track, but now that I know what's really been going on, I have my doubts that she can do it.
Sooo, my big problem is what to do about her son. On the one hand, he shouldn't be around his mom when she's like this when he was somewhere else to go. However, he REALLY doesn't want to live with his dad, saying he'd rather run away from home. My feeling is that as long as I'm here, he's ok here as I take care of him and he has no contact with anyone she's involved with. On the other hand, I know any outside person would disagree with that line of thinking and say he's better off with his dad, and if I was wrong for any reason and things did go bad here somehow I'd be to blame. However, if his dad screws up his life with verbal and emotional abuse, wouldn't I be equally to blame? On top of all of this, I no longer want to stay here, and when my lease is up this summer I'm moving, at which point I'll have to make sure his dad knows what was going on anyways, as there is no way I'd leave him alone with his mom anymore (even if she gets her life straight by that point it's too iffy a situation). The only neutral solution I can come up with is to tell her brother what is going on, and see if he can get her some help.
Sooo, any thoughts? Anyone have experiences that compare?
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Did you take classes?