thedeadbaron

Well life is still a thrill a minute. I spend my days taking care of my two nephews, don't get me wrong I love the little shits but after 6 months straight my patience is wearing thin. One of them is going through his terrible twos and has learned how to ignore people, big fun. The other has learned how to walk but not how to fall without smashing his face into everything. And then there is my brothers girlfriend, she is constantly bitching about how she is the only one who cares about how clean the house is and how she can never have her friends over and all this other shit. Apparently she feels that since I'm currently unemployed that I'm automatically the butler and live in nanny. As it is I take care of their two boys, I am the only one in the damn house who can seem to wash any dishes. I usually end up cooking for everyone because they don't really know how and I still need to find time to look for work. Luckily for me I don't have any social life or love life to take up valuable time. They seem to think that I'm just some happy go lucky clown that is there to entertain them and wait on them hand and foot. They don't realize the energy it takes to stay happy when you don't have anything going for you and it seems pretty much like you have become the universe's bitch. Every time it seems like something is going well I get crapped on. When n I first got my job at Krispy Kreme I thought "this is great now I don't have to move back to Kansas.." like 3 weeks later we get a call saying my mother is in the hospital and might not make it. I couldn't even go to be with my family back home because I was stuck here. When I got fired I was initially approved for unemployment, so I thought "cool I et to take it easy for a while and still have a little cash." A month later I get a letter saying that Krispy Kreme is challenging my right to collect unemployment. Apparently they didn't think firing me was bad enough they wanted to make sure I stayed broke. Finally I win my appeal and get to continue collecting and I get a call saying my dad is in the hospital now. It never ends. I'm constantly having to just work on through whatever crisis I might be going through for others benefit. If I'm sick I still ave to take care of the boys. If I'm depressed I still have to help out around here. Hell once my brother woke me up at fuckin 5am after I had spent the 20 hours working and babysitting so I could help him make breakfast for his damn girlfriend. The kicker came when I told them I was going back to bed and find that their damn cat had pissed on my bed!!! Did either of them offer to wash my sheets? Hell no!! It was their fucking cat!! So I got to spend another 18 hours awake on only about 3 1/2 hours of sleep. Why because apparently thats why I'm here to make others lives easier. But what do I get out of it? Right now since I'm unemployed I'm not paying rent but I'm helping out by buying groceries with whats left of my unemployment money and income tax refund. When I was working I was paying 300 bucks a month and still had to do all that other shit to boot!!! I see all these little bastards on TV that kill other people or themselves because they can't cope, thats bullshit!! I've coped with my life being like this without any help for decades now. Some people couldn't have packed up their belongings and moved 1300 miles on a whim, I had nothing holding me there in Kansas. I didn't have a life there either social or otherwise. Yet these people whine about how society made them violent. Yeah right. And McDonalds is to blame for me being fat... I once had a sociologist do a study on my and in her findings she said that I was a well adjusted young man, and even she didn't fully understand how. Guess you just have to be wired right to begin with. Now though, I'm just getting really lonely. 25 years is a long time to go without ever having anyone tell you hey care about you, well other than your mother. I can't stand all these romantic movies anymore where the people do some thing stupid and almost screw up their relationship. The other night I watched Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind and just couldn't believe that someone would want to forget their past relationships. I guess I'd have to have been dumped to understand. Some men have dreams where they are banging beautiful women, I have dreams where I'm just living my life with a woman who loves me. Then when I wake up I feel this weird empty feeling like I actually lost something. I guess if that was a long lasting sensation I would want it gone too. As it is I am having a harder and harder time staying happy from day to day. Little things people say get to me, even if they didn't mean to hurt me. I just kinda laugh and shrug it off and hope they can't tell it bothered me. Sometimes my brother asks whats wrong and I just tell him I'm tired or something like that because I don't think I could tell him face to face what I'm feeling. Thats part of why I'm doing this. I doubt people will ever read it so I can say whatever I want without having to worry about other peoples opinions of me. I'll probably never meet any of you people anyway... Thats more what I meant when I made mention of a paper trail in the first entry. My younger sister was always big on emotional blackmail and shit with journals, so I just never wrote anything down when I was growing up. But now having a place to write down this crap without any risk of hurting anyone it's kind of cathartic. maybe I'll write more later who knows