thedarkness

Interview Don'ts

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations asking for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants revealed the following low-lights:

1. ''... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.''

2. ''She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.''

3. ''A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.''

4. ''... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.''

5. ''... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve''

6. ''Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.''

7. ''Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.''

8. ''When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.''

9 . ''At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through his briefcase, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left.''

10. ''... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.''

11. ''Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.''

12. ''While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.''

13. ''During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.''

14. ''A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: '''Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.''

15. ''His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.''

16. ''Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.''

17. ''... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.''

18. ''Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.''


Beer Machismo

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the brewreys decide to go to the pub for a drink. The coors President said "Can I have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please."
The bartender gave him the drink.
Then the Budweiser President orders, "The King Of Beers -- Budweiser."
The bartender proceeds with the order.

The Amstel President walks in and orders "The Finest Beer ever."
The bartender gives him an Amstel.

Then the Guinness President says, "I'll have a coke please."
The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the coke to him anyway.

All the Presidents looked over at him and said, "Why have you ordered a coke?"
He replied, "Well if you all aren't drinking beer, then neither shall I."


The perils of gambling
An old man and his grandson went into a betting shop, and the boy asked his grandfather if he could put a bet on. The old man asked his young grandson if he could touch his arse with his dick. No, replied the boy. Well then, youre not old enough, remarked his grandfather. So the boy went next door to the paper shop to buy a scratch card, which he immediately scratched, to find he had won 50,000. He ran back to his grandpa, who suggested that they split it 50:50. The boy said, Grandfather, can you touch your arse with your dick? Yes, of course. Im a grown man, he replied. Well then, go fuck yourself.


Therapy?
A man walks into a pub and orders a drink. He necks it, takes out his cock, and pisses all over the bar. The landlord is furious and tells the man to get out. He apologises profusely, saying he doesnt know what came over him, and that he will see a psychiatrist and get help. A week later, the man goes back into the pub, orders a drink, takes out his cock and pisses all over the bar. Again, the furious landlord tells him to get out, and again the man apologises, and says he will definitely get some help from a psychiatrist for his unusual condition. He then leaves. The following week, the man comes in and the landlord stops him before he can order a drink. Its okay, says the man, Ive been in treatment with my psychiatrist. Everythings fine. The landlord decides to give the man one more chance, and pulls him a pint. The man drinks it, then gets his cock out and pisses all over the bar. The landlord is stunned. I thought youd been to see a psychiatrist, he says. I have, the man replies. But youve just pissed all over my bar again, the landlord says. I know, says the man. But I dont feel guilty about it any more.


The memory man
Dave the scouser is touring the US on holiday and stops in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. Hes chatting to the bartender when he spies an old Indian sitting in the corner complete with full tribal gear, long white plaits and wrinkled face. Who's he?' asks Dave. That's the Memory Man, says the bartender. He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out. So Dave wanders over, and thinking he won't know about English football, asks: Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final? Liverpool, replies the Memory Man, instantly. The tourist is amazed. Who did they beat?' Leeds, comes the reply again, quick as a flash. And the score? The wise brave does not hesitate: Two-one. Thinking that details may fox him, Dave tries something more specific. Who scored the winning goal? he asks. The Red Indian doesnt even blink: Ian St John. The Liverpudlian is flabbergasted and, returning home, he regales his relatives and friends with his tale. But its not enough and soon hes determined to return and pay his respects to this amazing man. Ten years later hes saved enough money, and returns to the US. After weeks of searching through the towns of Nevada, Dave finds the Memory Man in a cave in the mountains older, more wrinkled, resplendent in his warpaint and headdress. Humbled by this vision, the scouser steps forward, bows and greets the brave in the traditional native tongue: How. The Memory Man squints at him. Diving header in the six-yard box, he says.


I got it!!!!

I recieved the call today saying that the Police Chief had signed off the job hiring papers. And to top it off, I am going to the police academy here at C.A.C. so every night I can come home and be with my family. I have so much support behind me that I know that I can get through it and pass. The academy starts in under (2) two weeks (it starts September 12) and it is camp Snoopy compared to the one in Phoenix.

I called and gave my (2) two week notice to my supervisor and he is both saddened and excited for me. These next few months will be very trying and exciting for bothmissdates and I. She started school on-line today and with me going to start running about (10) ten to (12) twelve hour days, we are going to have short tempers.


I am so excited.


Henshin a go-go baby!