Death Cab
A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night. The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look friend, don't EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologizes and says he didn't realize that a "little tap" could scare him so much. The driver, after gathering himself together replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years!
Elmo's Redesign
A blonde is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45AM, theres a knock at the personnel managers door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says shes incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmos legs. The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, Im sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
The Engineer and the Frog
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want!"
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want!"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"
Clemson Wedding -- A long, true story
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. This was a huge wedding with over 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage and took the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. Taped to the bottom of everyone's chair (even the chairs of the wedding party) was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open their envelopes.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. (He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.) After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said ''F--- you !'' he then turned to the bride and said ''F--- you !'' and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said..... ''Thanks, I'm out of here.''
He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong. His revenge: 1) Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception. 2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. 3) And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.... Ya gotta love this guy.
Farmer Joe and his Mule
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"
''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''
''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.
''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
Bumpersticker Bonanza
* Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?
* If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
* Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
* 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
* Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
* JESUS SAVES . . . They Pass It To Lemieux . . .He Shoots..He..Scores!
* You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT.
* Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!
* Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
* My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
* GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN.
* I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
* WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
* BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
* So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
* The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
* IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
* Where there's a will...I want to be on it.
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
* Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.
* Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.
* Honk If You Want To See My Finger.
Tomorrow is going to suck royally.
A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night. The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look friend, don't EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologizes and says he didn't realize that a "little tap" could scare him so much. The driver, after gathering himself together replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years!
Elmo's Redesign
A blonde is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45AM, theres a knock at the personnel managers door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says shes incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmos legs. The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, Im sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
The Engineer and the Frog
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want!"
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want!"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"
Clemson Wedding -- A long, true story
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. This was a huge wedding with over 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage and took the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. Taped to the bottom of everyone's chair (even the chairs of the wedding party) was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open their envelopes.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. (He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.) After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said ''F--- you !'' he then turned to the bride and said ''F--- you !'' and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said..... ''Thanks, I'm out of here.''
He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong. His revenge: 1) Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception. 2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. 3) And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.... Ya gotta love this guy.
Farmer Joe and his Mule
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"
''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''
''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.
''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
Bumpersticker Bonanza
* Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?
* If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
* Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
* 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
* Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
* JESUS SAVES . . . They Pass It To Lemieux . . .He Shoots..He..Scores!
* You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT.
* Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!
* Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
* My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
* GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN.
* I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
* WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
* BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
* So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
* The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
* IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
* Where there's a will...I want to be on it.
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
* Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.
* Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.
* Honk If You Want To See My Finger.
Tomorrow is going to suck royally.
VIEW 25 of 45 COMMENTS
haha. I got my first premature one early today in my last journal. Happy extra late birthday to you, though.
I miss reading your journals. Happy Belated Birthday. I'm a shitty commentor. I hope tomorrow doesn't suck too much for you.