Other Things Mama Told Me...
Not to cuss.
Not to cohabitate.
Not to use that language.
Not to go in the first place.
Not to invest in Telecom stocks.
Not to date sluts.
Not to eat with my hands.
Not to drink from the filthy bucket.
Not to train octopi.
Not to beat myself with slotted spoons.
Not to mix plaids and stripes.
Not to wiggle.
Not to beat eggs for an omelet during Uncle Freddie's funeral.
Not to save and collect my empty enemas.
Not to smell my feet.
Not to banish Captain Snuggles to the washing machine.
Not to lick the poison mushrooms.
Not to unlock the closet.
Not to wear her bras.
Not to tickle the gator.
Not to play with the children under the stairs.
Not to juggle the plutonium.
Not to smoke her cigars.
Not to seethe.
Not to let the dogs out, because shell know who did it.
Not to cry like a big, fat, hairy little girl.
Not to dance dirty.
Not to fiddle with my colostomy bag.
Not to get jiggy with it, or anything for that matter.
Not to tap on my brothers iron lung.
Not to take candy from strangers.
Not to let Dad out of the closet.
Priestly Duties
One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.
Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?''
''No, I guess not,'' says God.
The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.
Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?''
To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''
Watermelon
Three girls named Samantha, Janet and Rebecca were driving through the country, when all of a sudden their car stalls. Samantha remembers seeing a farm a little ways back, so her and Janet walk to the farm, leaving Rebecca guarding the car.
When Samantha and Janet get to the farm, they tell the farmer what happened. The farmer raises a gun to their head and tells them to get a fruit, vegetable, whatever, just get something from the garden. Samantha grabs a turnip, and Janet grabs a single grape. Just as they come back into the farmer's house, Rebecca walks in. He tells Rebecca to do the same as they just did, and Rebecca heads off towards the garden. While she's out in the garden, the farmer tells Samantha and Janet to shove whatever they have up their ass, and who ever laughs, dies. Samantha laughs first, so the farmer shoots her. Then Janet laughs and she gets killed too.
So they are floating out of their bodies, and Janet asks Samantha why she died. Samantha said that the thought of sticking a turnip up your ass was just too funny. Samantha then asked Janet why she laughed, Janet said: "I saw Rebecca coming around the corner with a watermelon!"
Language Barriers
An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 Japanese yen and walked out with $72.
The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money than the previous week.
The teller said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"
Intellectual Bathroom Graffiti
Cindy Lou Edleman Performs Quality Sexual Favors
Your Mother and Father Are of the Same Genetic Background
Mexicans Smell Vaguely of Jalapenos
Last Night You Enjoyed Carnal Pleasures With Your Sister
Your Intelligence Quota is Dubious at Best
For a Moderate Fee I Believe Your Mother Would Fellate Me
You Have Had Intimate Relations With a Person of African Descent and You Shall Never Know the Love of a Caucasian Again.
You Look Upon Your Dog With Lust
Methinks You Have the Odor of Fecal Matter Upon You
I Partook in Intercourse with Your Sisters Derriere
The Acne on Your Face Spreads Throughout Your Nether Regions
The People of France Know Not the Joys of Deodorant
A Hamster is Superior in Intelligence to Your Mother
For An Evening of Sordid Delights Involving Both Sadism and Masochism, Please Ring Mary at 212.555.5555
Ryan Beaugarde is Inadequate in the Ways of Oral Enjoyment
The Heavy Metal Rock Band Entitled Motley Crue is Quite First-Rate
Your Sexually Promiscuous Mother Can Be Found in the Phone Book Under "Whore"
Homosexuals Are Men Who Have Intercourse With Other Men. If You Participate in Such Activities You Are A Homosexual
Your Fathers Proclivities Lead Him to Engage in Relations with Livestock
President Bush is Missing a Chromosome
The Toilet Upon Which You Currently Sit is Sprayed with a Mixture of Vomit, Feces and Urine.
Tech Support
Just in case you think you are TC (technologically challenged). The following is an excerpt taken from a Wall Street Journal article:
1.Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2.AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3.Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
4.Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.
5.A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6.Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7.Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
8.A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
9.A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
10.An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
12.True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
13.Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.
14.In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from it's cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.
As Ripley would say, believe it or not!
This weekend is going to suck, missdates left for Washington this morning and left the kids and I alone until Monday evening. So it is a good thing that she left, it gives me the chance to clean and get rid of stuff that needs to be thrown away. Also it gives the kids and I a chance to be alone and to do the Father/children things like going to a strip club and whoring around.
Everything is looking good with the police agency that I applied with. I recently took the pre-employment polygraph test and passed it- like there was any doubt- and only have to pass the medical/physical exam and the psychological exam and then I am in. Everyone one here at work thinks that I am already leaving and I tell them "No", that I have a while still before I leave. I really hate it when people want to know your buisness.
Henshin a-go-go baby!
Not to cuss.
Not to cohabitate.
Not to use that language.
Not to go in the first place.
Not to invest in Telecom stocks.
Not to date sluts.
Not to eat with my hands.
Not to drink from the filthy bucket.
Not to train octopi.
Not to beat myself with slotted spoons.
Not to mix plaids and stripes.
Not to wiggle.
Not to beat eggs for an omelet during Uncle Freddie's funeral.
Not to save and collect my empty enemas.
Not to smell my feet.
Not to banish Captain Snuggles to the washing machine.
Not to lick the poison mushrooms.
Not to unlock the closet.
Not to wear her bras.
Not to tickle the gator.
Not to play with the children under the stairs.
Not to juggle the plutonium.
Not to smoke her cigars.
Not to seethe.
Not to let the dogs out, because shell know who did it.
Not to cry like a big, fat, hairy little girl.
Not to dance dirty.
Not to fiddle with my colostomy bag.
Not to get jiggy with it, or anything for that matter.
Not to tap on my brothers iron lung.
Not to take candy from strangers.
Not to let Dad out of the closet.
Priestly Duties
One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.
Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?''
''No, I guess not,'' says God.
The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.
Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?''
To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''
Watermelon
Three girls named Samantha, Janet and Rebecca were driving through the country, when all of a sudden their car stalls. Samantha remembers seeing a farm a little ways back, so her and Janet walk to the farm, leaving Rebecca guarding the car.
When Samantha and Janet get to the farm, they tell the farmer what happened. The farmer raises a gun to their head and tells them to get a fruit, vegetable, whatever, just get something from the garden. Samantha grabs a turnip, and Janet grabs a single grape. Just as they come back into the farmer's house, Rebecca walks in. He tells Rebecca to do the same as they just did, and Rebecca heads off towards the garden. While she's out in the garden, the farmer tells Samantha and Janet to shove whatever they have up their ass, and who ever laughs, dies. Samantha laughs first, so the farmer shoots her. Then Janet laughs and she gets killed too.
So they are floating out of their bodies, and Janet asks Samantha why she died. Samantha said that the thought of sticking a turnip up your ass was just too funny. Samantha then asked Janet why she laughed, Janet said: "I saw Rebecca coming around the corner with a watermelon!"
Language Barriers
An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 Japanese yen and walked out with $72.
The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money than the previous week.
The teller said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"
Intellectual Bathroom Graffiti
Cindy Lou Edleman Performs Quality Sexual Favors
Your Mother and Father Are of the Same Genetic Background
Mexicans Smell Vaguely of Jalapenos
Last Night You Enjoyed Carnal Pleasures With Your Sister
Your Intelligence Quota is Dubious at Best
For a Moderate Fee I Believe Your Mother Would Fellate Me
You Have Had Intimate Relations With a Person of African Descent and You Shall Never Know the Love of a Caucasian Again.
You Look Upon Your Dog With Lust
Methinks You Have the Odor of Fecal Matter Upon You
I Partook in Intercourse with Your Sisters Derriere
The Acne on Your Face Spreads Throughout Your Nether Regions
The People of France Know Not the Joys of Deodorant
A Hamster is Superior in Intelligence to Your Mother
For An Evening of Sordid Delights Involving Both Sadism and Masochism, Please Ring Mary at 212.555.5555
Ryan Beaugarde is Inadequate in the Ways of Oral Enjoyment
The Heavy Metal Rock Band Entitled Motley Crue is Quite First-Rate
Your Sexually Promiscuous Mother Can Be Found in the Phone Book Under "Whore"
Homosexuals Are Men Who Have Intercourse With Other Men. If You Participate in Such Activities You Are A Homosexual
Your Fathers Proclivities Lead Him to Engage in Relations with Livestock
President Bush is Missing a Chromosome
The Toilet Upon Which You Currently Sit is Sprayed with a Mixture of Vomit, Feces and Urine.
Tech Support
Just in case you think you are TC (technologically challenged). The following is an excerpt taken from a Wall Street Journal article:
1.Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2.AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3.Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
4.Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.
5.A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6.Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7.Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
8.A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
9.A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
10.An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
12.True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
13.Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.
14.In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from it's cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.
As Ripley would say, believe it or not!
This weekend is going to suck, missdates left for Washington this morning and left the kids and I alone until Monday evening. So it is a good thing that she left, it gives me the chance to clean and get rid of stuff that needs to be thrown away. Also it gives the kids and I a chance to be alone and to do the Father/children things like going to a strip club and whoring around.
Everything is looking good with the police agency that I applied with. I recently took the pre-employment polygraph test and passed it- like there was any doubt- and only have to pass the medical/physical exam and the psychological exam and then I am in. Everyone one here at work thinks that I am already leaving and I tell them "No", that I have a while still before I leave. I really hate it when people want to know your buisness.
Henshin a-go-go baby!
VIEW 18 of 18 COMMENTS
mistressvamp:
dane_valek:
Mom also told me no to let my dad out of the closet. At this point, I found it neccesary to point out that I couldn't do so locked in the attic, and that the rats were starting to attack in formation.