A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing a rectal exam:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of all...
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there."
Call on an Expert
Little Johnny was playing with his father's wallet when he accidently swallowed a quarter. He went crying to him mom, choking on the quarter. They took him to a doctor, who said that the quarter was impossible to remove without surgery, they consulted a specialist who was of the same opinion. Then came a man who said he could get the money out in a jiffy. He turned little Johnny upside down and patted him with great precision on the back of neck and, sure enough, the quarter rolled out. Everyone was amazed, the father said You must be an expert! The man replied, No sir I'm just a tax collector.
Farts and Enrique Iglesias
What do farts and Enrique Iglesias have in common?
a. They were both raised on beans.
b. They both have brown things on their cheeks.
c. They both have trouble singing in tight pants.
d. They both stink.
The History of Cinco de Mayo
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
Female Comebacks
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Spring of 1957
It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat? he says. That's cool, says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it. Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it. Oh yeah,'' says Carrie's father, ''our Carrie really loves to screw. She'd screw all night if we'd let her!
Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: Damn it, Daddy! It's called the twist!
Attempted Suicide
One day, an old lady decided that she didn't want to live anymore. So she went to the doctor and asked, ''What's the best way to kill yourself?'' The doctor told her, ''Well, shooting yourself in the heart is a fast method.'' She asked him, ''Where's the heart located?'' The doctor said, ''It's three fingers below the nipple.''
Later on, the police and paramedics arrive at her house. When the paramedic asks what happened, one officer says, ''We found her on the floor with a gunshot wound to the knee.''
Well, this week has finally come to an end. I have to take a polygraph for the police department that I applied with this Tuesday. I am looking forward to that. Here are some pictures that I took from Comic Con.
Robocop welcoming us.
Gabrielle Union looking outstanding.
Blood Rayne.
Bane, Catwoman, and Harley Quinn.
Batman, Xenia, and The Green Lantern.
Black Cat.
Trigun characters.
A very nice looking Nicholas D. Wolfwood.
A cute Supergirl.
A yummy looking Storm.
A mother/daughter dressing up as Wonder Woman and Wonder Girl.
Seth Green eating Subway.
There a few more in my pictures section.
Henshin a go-go baby.
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of all...
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there."
Call on an Expert
Little Johnny was playing with his father's wallet when he accidently swallowed a quarter. He went crying to him mom, choking on the quarter. They took him to a doctor, who said that the quarter was impossible to remove without surgery, they consulted a specialist who was of the same opinion. Then came a man who said he could get the money out in a jiffy. He turned little Johnny upside down and patted him with great precision on the back of neck and, sure enough, the quarter rolled out. Everyone was amazed, the father said You must be an expert! The man replied, No sir I'm just a tax collector.
Farts and Enrique Iglesias
What do farts and Enrique Iglesias have in common?
a. They were both raised on beans.
b. They both have brown things on their cheeks.
c. They both have trouble singing in tight pants.
d. They both stink.
The History of Cinco de Mayo
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
Female Comebacks
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Spring of 1957
It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat? he says. That's cool, says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it. Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it. Oh yeah,'' says Carrie's father, ''our Carrie really loves to screw. She'd screw all night if we'd let her!
Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: Damn it, Daddy! It's called the twist!
Attempted Suicide
One day, an old lady decided that she didn't want to live anymore. So she went to the doctor and asked, ''What's the best way to kill yourself?'' The doctor told her, ''Well, shooting yourself in the heart is a fast method.'' She asked him, ''Where's the heart located?'' The doctor said, ''It's three fingers below the nipple.''
Later on, the police and paramedics arrive at her house. When the paramedic asks what happened, one officer says, ''We found her on the floor with a gunshot wound to the knee.''
Well, this week has finally come to an end. I have to take a polygraph for the police department that I applied with this Tuesday. I am looking forward to that. Here are some pictures that I took from Comic Con.
Robocop welcoming us.
Gabrielle Union looking outstanding.
Blood Rayne.
Bane, Catwoman, and Harley Quinn.
Batman, Xenia, and The Green Lantern.
Black Cat.
Trigun characters.
A very nice looking Nicholas D. Wolfwood.
A cute Supergirl.
A yummy looking Storm.
A mother/daughter dressing up as Wonder Woman and Wonder Girl.
Seth Green eating Subway.
There a few more in my pictures section.
Henshin a go-go baby.
VIEW 13 of 13 COMMENTS
A little of it is from my life but alot from my twisted little brain.
But hey your more than welcome to go poking around up there to find out.