Smoking at Gas Station
This lady was at the gas station pumping gas and smoking a cigarette when her arm caught on fire.
When the police arrived they shot her for waving a firearm.
Top Ten: Questions that Make You Go, "Huh?"
1) How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
2) What happens if you get scared to death twice?
3) If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?
4) If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
5) If you write a book about failure, and it doesn't sell, is it a success?
6) If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7) If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
8) If Superman is so smart, why does he wear underpants over his trousers?
9) If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
10) Why is it that if someone tells you there are 1 billion stars in the universe, you will believe them, but if someone tells you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
Eulogy
There were three men standing at the Pearly Gates of Heaven when Saint Peter met them and asked, ''What would each of you like to hear your relatives or friends say at your funeral?''
The first man answered, ''I am a renowned doctor and I would love to hear someone say how I had been instrumental in saving someone's life.''
The second man replied, ''I am a family man and a school teacher. I would like to hear someone say what a great husband and father I was and that I had made a difference in some young person's life.''
The third man said, ''Wow guys, those are really great sentiments but I guess if I had my choice I would rather hear someone say, 'LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!'''
The Scottie Dog Who Knew Karate
There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.
So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, I need a good guard dog.
And the clerk replied, Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate.
The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair.
The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, Karate that table. The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.
So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said Karate my ass!
Out Of College
You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Your potted plants stay alive.
Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
You have to pay your own credit card bill.
You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8:00 a.m. is not early.
You have to file your own taxes.
You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
You're not carded anymore.
You carry an umbrella.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
You start watching the Weather Channel.
Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
You go to parties that the police don't raid.
Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
Your car insurance goes down, except when you move to Jersey.
You refer to college students as kids.
You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum. Well, some of us still drink rum.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of Taco Bell.
You're waking up at 6 a.m. instead of going to bed.
College sweatshirts are 'casual' instead of dress up.
Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.
Dinner and a movie the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN Sportscenter, and MTV News.
METABOLISM SLOWDOWN
Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog.
You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.
When drinking, you say at least once per night, "I just can't put it down like I used to."
Golf is beginning to seem a lot less silly.
You decide your parents weren't as dumb as you thought!
Gerhard Reinkes
INTERNATIONAL GUIDE TO IMPORTANT QUESTIONS NOT TO ASK*
IRELAND
Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk? This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it?
FRANCE
Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that? Arent the French just Germans who can make sauces?
ITALY
Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus? I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-Os!
POLAND
Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs?
GERMANY
Is this bratwurst kosher?
TURKEY
Wheres the hash at? Its cool to slaughter Kurds though, right?
KOREA
Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?
CHINA
This wall isnt so great.
ENGLAND
Did you ever get a piece of ass from that Diana chick?
SWEDEN
Do you have any normal meatballs? Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?
YEMEN
Yemen? Thats a stupid name for a country. Whats it mean Land Of Fanatics And Desert?
INDIA
You dont live in teepees? Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?
ETHIOPIA
After a long day of travel, Im famished. Hey those flies sure love your newborn!
CANADA
Youre like Americans without money.
SPAIN
So, this is the country thats not Portugal? Wow. Your women can shave if they want to, right? Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos?
SOUTH AFRICA
I liked it better the other way.
MEXICO
Cancun is nice, but the rest of this third world country sucks!
SAUDI ARABIA
Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car? Is it legal to beat your wives here, or what?
RUSSIA
Is it always this cold and economically devastated?
UZBEKISTAN
Can you spell Uzbekistan?
GREECE
I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy. Anyone ever tell you that you resemble a Turk?
AFGHANISTAN
Seriously, where is the real country where is everything?
JAPAN
Whats Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?
AUSTRALIA
How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure?
AMERICA
You mean, youre all not loud, stupid, and fat?
*These questions should not be shouted in English.
Nothing really to update, so I will try to mask the fact that I have nothing to say with a lot of jokes.
This lady was at the gas station pumping gas and smoking a cigarette when her arm caught on fire.
When the police arrived they shot her for waving a firearm.
Top Ten: Questions that Make You Go, "Huh?"
1) How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
2) What happens if you get scared to death twice?
3) If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?
4) If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
5) If you write a book about failure, and it doesn't sell, is it a success?
6) If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7) If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
8) If Superman is so smart, why does he wear underpants over his trousers?
9) If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
10) Why is it that if someone tells you there are 1 billion stars in the universe, you will believe them, but if someone tells you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
Eulogy
There were three men standing at the Pearly Gates of Heaven when Saint Peter met them and asked, ''What would each of you like to hear your relatives or friends say at your funeral?''
The first man answered, ''I am a renowned doctor and I would love to hear someone say how I had been instrumental in saving someone's life.''
The second man replied, ''I am a family man and a school teacher. I would like to hear someone say what a great husband and father I was and that I had made a difference in some young person's life.''
The third man said, ''Wow guys, those are really great sentiments but I guess if I had my choice I would rather hear someone say, 'LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!'''
The Scottie Dog Who Knew Karate
There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.
So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, I need a good guard dog.
And the clerk replied, Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate.
The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair.
The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, Karate that table. The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.
So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said Karate my ass!
Out Of College
You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Your potted plants stay alive.
Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
You have to pay your own credit card bill.
You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8:00 a.m. is not early.
You have to file your own taxes.
You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
You're not carded anymore.
You carry an umbrella.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
You start watching the Weather Channel.
Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
You go to parties that the police don't raid.
Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
Your car insurance goes down, except when you move to Jersey.
You refer to college students as kids.
You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum. Well, some of us still drink rum.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of Taco Bell.
You're waking up at 6 a.m. instead of going to bed.
College sweatshirts are 'casual' instead of dress up.
Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.
Dinner and a movie the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN Sportscenter, and MTV News.
METABOLISM SLOWDOWN
Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog.
You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.
When drinking, you say at least once per night, "I just can't put it down like I used to."
Golf is beginning to seem a lot less silly.
You decide your parents weren't as dumb as you thought!
Gerhard Reinkes
INTERNATIONAL GUIDE TO IMPORTANT QUESTIONS NOT TO ASK*
IRELAND
Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk? This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it?
FRANCE
Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that? Arent the French just Germans who can make sauces?
ITALY
Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus? I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-Os!
POLAND
Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs?
GERMANY
Is this bratwurst kosher?
TURKEY
Wheres the hash at? Its cool to slaughter Kurds though, right?
KOREA
Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?
CHINA
This wall isnt so great.
ENGLAND
Did you ever get a piece of ass from that Diana chick?
SWEDEN
Do you have any normal meatballs? Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?
YEMEN
Yemen? Thats a stupid name for a country. Whats it mean Land Of Fanatics And Desert?
INDIA
You dont live in teepees? Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?
ETHIOPIA
After a long day of travel, Im famished. Hey those flies sure love your newborn!
CANADA
Youre like Americans without money.
SPAIN
So, this is the country thats not Portugal? Wow. Your women can shave if they want to, right? Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos?
SOUTH AFRICA
I liked it better the other way.
MEXICO
Cancun is nice, but the rest of this third world country sucks!
SAUDI ARABIA
Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car? Is it legal to beat your wives here, or what?
RUSSIA
Is it always this cold and economically devastated?
UZBEKISTAN
Can you spell Uzbekistan?
GREECE
I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy. Anyone ever tell you that you resemble a Turk?
AFGHANISTAN
Seriously, where is the real country where is everything?
JAPAN
Whats Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?
AUSTRALIA
How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure?
AMERICA
You mean, youre all not loud, stupid, and fat?
*These questions should not be shouted in English.
Nothing really to update, so I will try to mask the fact that I have nothing to say with a lot of jokes.
VIEW 25 of 25 COMMENTS
ormunroe:
I don't think so because his initial response was too strong to ignore. If he had responded with the "ground rules" when I brought it up the first time then I would be more inclined (making arrangements, lol). But I'm no longer comfortable because his words and my gut feeling are at odds now.
ormunroe:
If I may ask, why do you consider it one of the worst mistakes in your life?