While the cat's away
A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend.
They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
"Hello? Oh, hi.... I'm so glad that you called.... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time.... Oh, that sounds terrific.... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
Relieving Stress in Class
1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
2. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
3. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY". (At Least for the Male profs.)
4. Address the professor as "your excellency".
5. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
6. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.
7. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.
8. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
9. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
10. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become agitated when the professor can't understand you.
11. Wink at the professor every few minutes. (Hey you might even get a date if he/she is cute.)
12. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5" at the top, and start passing it around the room.
13. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.
Redneck Computer Lingo
Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.
Log Off: Don't add no wood.
Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz: When yer not careful downloadin'.
Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.
Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.
Hard Drive: Gettin' home in the winter season.
Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.
Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below.
Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season.
Byte: That's what the flies do.
Chip: What to munch on.
Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.
Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.
Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.
Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.
Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.
Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.
Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.
Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.
Port: Fancy wine.
Enter: C'mon in.
Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.
Three Nuns and a Parrot
Three nuns used to go to the church from their homes every day. On the way they would pass a house where a parrot lived. The parrot would call out three colors every time the nuns would pass by. They soon realized that the parrot was calling out the colors of their respective underpants. They tried to fool the parrot by switching positions while walking and even wearing different colored underpants every day, but the parrot was never wrong. Finally they devised a way to fool the parrot by not wearing any underpants at all. When they walked across the house the parrot spoke out loud, ''Straight, straight, curly.''
Obnoxious Pool Fun
*Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.
*Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people drown today.
*Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.
*Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.
*Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim.
*Hit strangers with your flutter board.
*Ask an attractive lifeguard to practise CPR on you.
*Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, ''Oh yeah... oooh that feels soooo good....''
*Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move.
*Swim near a stranger and go ''Dammit I knew I shouldn't have had watermelon before I came here.''
*Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.
*Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say ''HA-HA, fooled you!''
*Scream as someone is trying to do something when jumping off of a diving board.
*Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.
*Tell people you saw the lifeguard pissing in the pool.
*Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.
*Try to negotiate the price of getting in.
*Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.
*When in line, ask strangers if they think invisble people get a discount.
*Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say ''Wheee! I'm Batman!'' while running around.
*Hit strangers with your wet towel.
*Throw people's things into the pool.
*Sing and dance on top of the dinving board, then do a belly-flop as your grande-finale. *Play Marco-Polo by yourself.
*Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.
Getting ready to go to San Fransisco for Prom. I wonder if my date will be ready? Promise lots of pictures.
Henshin a go-go baby.
A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend.
They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
"Hello? Oh, hi.... I'm so glad that you called.... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time.... Oh, that sounds terrific.... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
Relieving Stress in Class
1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
2. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
3. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY". (At Least for the Male profs.)
4. Address the professor as "your excellency".
5. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
6. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.
7. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.
8. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
9. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
10. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become agitated when the professor can't understand you.
11. Wink at the professor every few minutes. (Hey you might even get a date if he/she is cute.)
12. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5" at the top, and start passing it around the room.
13. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.
Redneck Computer Lingo
Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.
Log Off: Don't add no wood.
Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz: When yer not careful downloadin'.
Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.
Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.
Hard Drive: Gettin' home in the winter season.
Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.
Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below.
Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season.
Byte: That's what the flies do.
Chip: What to munch on.
Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.
Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.
Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.
Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.
Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.
Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.
Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.
Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.
Port: Fancy wine.
Enter: C'mon in.
Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.
Three Nuns and a Parrot
Three nuns used to go to the church from their homes every day. On the way they would pass a house where a parrot lived. The parrot would call out three colors every time the nuns would pass by. They soon realized that the parrot was calling out the colors of their respective underpants. They tried to fool the parrot by switching positions while walking and even wearing different colored underpants every day, but the parrot was never wrong. Finally they devised a way to fool the parrot by not wearing any underpants at all. When they walked across the house the parrot spoke out loud, ''Straight, straight, curly.''
Obnoxious Pool Fun
*Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.
*Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people drown today.
*Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.
*Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.
*Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim.
*Hit strangers with your flutter board.
*Ask an attractive lifeguard to practise CPR on you.
*Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, ''Oh yeah... oooh that feels soooo good....''
*Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move.
*Swim near a stranger and go ''Dammit I knew I shouldn't have had watermelon before I came here.''
*Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.
*Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say ''HA-HA, fooled you!''
*Scream as someone is trying to do something when jumping off of a diving board.
*Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.
*Tell people you saw the lifeguard pissing in the pool.
*Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.
*Try to negotiate the price of getting in.
*Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.
*When in line, ask strangers if they think invisble people get a discount.
*Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say ''Wheee! I'm Batman!'' while running around.
*Hit strangers with your wet towel.
*Throw people's things into the pool.
*Sing and dance on top of the dinving board, then do a belly-flop as your grande-finale. *Play Marco-Polo by yourself.
*Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.
Getting ready to go to San Fransisco for Prom. I wonder if my date will be ready? Promise lots of pictures.
Henshin a go-go baby.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
supergp:
Have fun, you two crazy kids!
sloane:
Thank you! Very nice to meet you, as well! 