Priest's First Mass
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Boyfriend, Granpa and Rover
On the night of the prom, a boy's girlfriend is changing upstairs. The boyfriend is waiting in the living room with the girlfriend's granpa and her dog Rover.
As the girlfriend is getting ready the boyfriend says to himself, ''Man I really gotta fart, I think I will let a little out.'' So he does and the granpa yells ''ROVER!''
The boy thinks to himself, ''All right, now he thinks it's the dog. I think I will let a little more out.'' So he does and the granpa yells again, ''ROVER!''
The boyfriend says to himself, ''All right, now he really thinks it's the dog. I think I will let the rest out.''
So he lets it rip and the granpa yells, ''Rover, get over here before that guy poops on you!''
Rocket Science
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshield of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.
Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
NASA's response was just three words, "Thaw the chicken."
50 Ways To Say I Love You
1. If my heart were a baked potato, Id serve it to you with extra butter and sour cream.
2. Your terrible personality isnt so terrible after a few drinks and even when I sober up, its not as terrible as everyone says.
3. Id shave my entire body with a dull, rusty razor blade and take a vinegar bath for you.
4. I am rubber, you are glue, any feelings you have for me bounce off and stick to you. Ironically, I feel the same way.
5. The other day I saw this little girl day drop her whole ice cream cone on the ground and start bawling. After I stopped laughing, I thought, Im the same way when you dont call when you say you will.
6. I saw you in the morning, on the toilet, and I didnt run screaming. So there.
7. Hug me. If you let go -- you lose.
8. Umm like you and me? Yeah. You and me.
9. You are to me what an eye patch and parrot is to a pirate.
10. You are the hole in my donut.
11. I am the pork, you are the beans.
12. You make me want to vomit little chocolate hearts.
13. You are my personal parachute.
14. If you were a margarita, Id drink you by the bucket.
15. I really like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like you.
16. If I had my junior high dance to do all over again, Id lean against the far wall, stare at you, and hate myself for not asking you if you liked the punch.
17. I dont love you. I merely enjoy tolerating your existence immensely.
18. Ill still want to have sex with you even when youre old, fat, and ugly.
19. You had me at Stop following me.
20. Your farts smell like vanilla.
21. Were a two person chain gang.
22. I am valedictorian of the University of You.
23. If you needed a kidney transplant, Id also throw in a bonus lung.
24. The wet, fatty ball of muscle and sinew that pumps my thick, steaming blood to all of my internal organs starts to beat irregularly when you come into my line of sight.
25. You are to me what Oprah is to mediocre self-help gurus.
26. While youre in the shower, I collect your skin flakes from the sheets and now I carry them around in this little napkin I keep tied around my neck.
27. You suck! So good.
28. If you were frozen in Carbonite and taken by bounty hunters, Id gladly disguise myself, infiltrate a fortress of intergalactic gangsters, threaten them with a thermal detonator, and defrost you myself.
29. When I was a kid I was kind of stupid and I thought it would be fun if I stuck a fork in the wall socket and obviously I was thrown across the room. Well, that shock that made my teeth chatter and my hair fall out? Thats like you.
30. We are totally codependent and I dont want it any other way.
31. This is the happily ever after part of the damn fairy tale, dig?
32. If you were a handful of genital crabs, Id never change my underwear.
33. Im not saying we shouldnt see other people. Im just saying Ill chase whoever you see out of town with a nail-studded baseball bat.
34. I am your blank check. Dont bounce me.
35. Shut your piehole! Okay -- now kiss me with that beautiful piehole.
36. If you were in a horrible accident and they put your head in a saline solution-filled fish tank, Id feed you, change your water, and carry you on my back everyday until they built you a kick-ass robot body.
37. If given the choice between playing roundball like Michael Jordan or raising rugrats with you in a trailer park then Id be the first to stand in line to buy diapers.
38. Youre such a fucking asshole! And so am I. Lets forgive each other, get drunk, and screw.
39. If I was smart, Id follow you around like a puppy and never, ever crap in the corner.
40. Not only would I carry you out of the factory and drive away you away on my sweet chopper Id also buy you a beer and a basket of fries.
41. I wrote you a poem: You walk in beauty like the night/ which means youre the hottest babe in sight/Come home with me so I dont get in a fight/I agree with what you said: you are always right.
42. Im a grown up and just face the facts that youre my security blanket.
43. You dont know it, but right here, right now, is the point in the musical montage part of the movie. Lets split a pretzel and go for a walk on the footbridge.
44. Not only would I die for you, Id bitch slap Satan a good one, too.
45.Look: youre the only one allowed in my bunker. So go get some batteries while Ill clean my shotgun.
46. Im a junky for your instant messages.
47. I had the weirdest dream last night: I was waking up just as dawn was breaking, but instead of the sun rising on the horizon, it was your glowing face. You were smiling and glowing and it felt to good. Isnt that just strange? I have NO idea what that means. Pass the ketchup.
48. Youre my best and only naked friend.
49. Id smoke five packs of you everyday and welcome each and every eventual tumor.
50. Lets set aside cool, ironic detachment for just a moment, shall we? I love you. Wow wasnt that just like lame movie Reality Bites? Youve never seen it? Its awesome in a totally stupid way.
Okay, today has been some what a trying day. Today was the first day that the twins went to day care and I think I took it harder than they did. We have been leaving them with people that we know, hot daughters of a friend of missdates and both of them have left. So that left us without a babysitter and we needed one fast. After we checked this place that we are using out, we decided that it was time to put the twins in daycare. As I walked in, all the little kids were asleep and the twins don't usually take their naps until about one or one-thirty in the p.m. They made them lay down, to take a nap, and the boy started t cry, then the girl started to cry, then I felt like crying.
After I went to work, the day felt like it was going to be a good shift. About four-thirty, an officer called out a cell number and continued to call it out. At first I thought that someone had opened the wrong cell door and the inmate was assulting the officer. When I arrived at the location, I saw the officer, she was alright, and another officer trying to open the cell door that she was yelling for. I knew it right there, dumbass tried to kill himself. Sure enough, slapnut tried to hand himself and poorly I might add. I think it was for attention.
And how was your day?
Henshin a go-go baby.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Boyfriend, Granpa and Rover
On the night of the prom, a boy's girlfriend is changing upstairs. The boyfriend is waiting in the living room with the girlfriend's granpa and her dog Rover.
As the girlfriend is getting ready the boyfriend says to himself, ''Man I really gotta fart, I think I will let a little out.'' So he does and the granpa yells ''ROVER!''
The boy thinks to himself, ''All right, now he thinks it's the dog. I think I will let a little more out.'' So he does and the granpa yells again, ''ROVER!''
The boyfriend says to himself, ''All right, now he really thinks it's the dog. I think I will let the rest out.''
So he lets it rip and the granpa yells, ''Rover, get over here before that guy poops on you!''
Rocket Science
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshield of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.
Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
NASA's response was just three words, "Thaw the chicken."
50 Ways To Say I Love You
1. If my heart were a baked potato, Id serve it to you with extra butter and sour cream.
2. Your terrible personality isnt so terrible after a few drinks and even when I sober up, its not as terrible as everyone says.
3. Id shave my entire body with a dull, rusty razor blade and take a vinegar bath for you.
4. I am rubber, you are glue, any feelings you have for me bounce off and stick to you. Ironically, I feel the same way.
5. The other day I saw this little girl day drop her whole ice cream cone on the ground and start bawling. After I stopped laughing, I thought, Im the same way when you dont call when you say you will.
6. I saw you in the morning, on the toilet, and I didnt run screaming. So there.
7. Hug me. If you let go -- you lose.
8. Umm like you and me? Yeah. You and me.
9. You are to me what an eye patch and parrot is to a pirate.
10. You are the hole in my donut.
11. I am the pork, you are the beans.
12. You make me want to vomit little chocolate hearts.
13. You are my personal parachute.
14. If you were a margarita, Id drink you by the bucket.
15. I really like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like you.
16. If I had my junior high dance to do all over again, Id lean against the far wall, stare at you, and hate myself for not asking you if you liked the punch.
17. I dont love you. I merely enjoy tolerating your existence immensely.
18. Ill still want to have sex with you even when youre old, fat, and ugly.
19. You had me at Stop following me.
20. Your farts smell like vanilla.
21. Were a two person chain gang.
22. I am valedictorian of the University of You.
23. If you needed a kidney transplant, Id also throw in a bonus lung.
24. The wet, fatty ball of muscle and sinew that pumps my thick, steaming blood to all of my internal organs starts to beat irregularly when you come into my line of sight.
25. You are to me what Oprah is to mediocre self-help gurus.
26. While youre in the shower, I collect your skin flakes from the sheets and now I carry them around in this little napkin I keep tied around my neck.
27. You suck! So good.
28. If you were frozen in Carbonite and taken by bounty hunters, Id gladly disguise myself, infiltrate a fortress of intergalactic gangsters, threaten them with a thermal detonator, and defrost you myself.
29. When I was a kid I was kind of stupid and I thought it would be fun if I stuck a fork in the wall socket and obviously I was thrown across the room. Well, that shock that made my teeth chatter and my hair fall out? Thats like you.
30. We are totally codependent and I dont want it any other way.
31. This is the happily ever after part of the damn fairy tale, dig?
32. If you were a handful of genital crabs, Id never change my underwear.
33. Im not saying we shouldnt see other people. Im just saying Ill chase whoever you see out of town with a nail-studded baseball bat.
34. I am your blank check. Dont bounce me.
35. Shut your piehole! Okay -- now kiss me with that beautiful piehole.
36. If you were in a horrible accident and they put your head in a saline solution-filled fish tank, Id feed you, change your water, and carry you on my back everyday until they built you a kick-ass robot body.
37. If given the choice between playing roundball like Michael Jordan or raising rugrats with you in a trailer park then Id be the first to stand in line to buy diapers.
38. Youre such a fucking asshole! And so am I. Lets forgive each other, get drunk, and screw.
39. If I was smart, Id follow you around like a puppy and never, ever crap in the corner.
40. Not only would I carry you out of the factory and drive away you away on my sweet chopper Id also buy you a beer and a basket of fries.
41. I wrote you a poem: You walk in beauty like the night/ which means youre the hottest babe in sight/Come home with me so I dont get in a fight/I agree with what you said: you are always right.
42. Im a grown up and just face the facts that youre my security blanket.
43. You dont know it, but right here, right now, is the point in the musical montage part of the movie. Lets split a pretzel and go for a walk on the footbridge.
44. Not only would I die for you, Id bitch slap Satan a good one, too.
45.Look: youre the only one allowed in my bunker. So go get some batteries while Ill clean my shotgun.
46. Im a junky for your instant messages.
47. I had the weirdest dream last night: I was waking up just as dawn was breaking, but instead of the sun rising on the horizon, it was your glowing face. You were smiling and glowing and it felt to good. Isnt that just strange? I have NO idea what that means. Pass the ketchup.
48. Youre my best and only naked friend.
49. Id smoke five packs of you everyday and welcome each and every eventual tumor.
50. Lets set aside cool, ironic detachment for just a moment, shall we? I love you. Wow wasnt that just like lame movie Reality Bites? Youve never seen it? Its awesome in a totally stupid way.
Okay, today has been some what a trying day. Today was the first day that the twins went to day care and I think I took it harder than they did. We have been leaving them with people that we know, hot daughters of a friend of missdates and both of them have left. So that left us without a babysitter and we needed one fast. After we checked this place that we are using out, we decided that it was time to put the twins in daycare. As I walked in, all the little kids were asleep and the twins don't usually take their naps until about one or one-thirty in the p.m. They made them lay down, to take a nap, and the boy started t cry, then the girl started to cry, then I felt like crying.
After I went to work, the day felt like it was going to be a good shift. About four-thirty, an officer called out a cell number and continued to call it out. At first I thought that someone had opened the wrong cell door and the inmate was assulting the officer. When I arrived at the location, I saw the officer, she was alright, and another officer trying to open the cell door that she was yelling for. I knew it right there, dumbass tried to kill himself. Sure enough, slapnut tried to hand himself and poorly I might add. I think it was for attention.
And how was your day?
Henshin a go-go baby.
VIEW 11 of 11 COMMENTS
Some cool ideas, though. Like I said, I *LOVE* what Ellis did with Vision.