The Jackass Story
This Story is true!!! For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone: Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you *don't* know! Now get this.
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered nicely saying, ''Hello?' '
I politely said, ''This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?''
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.
When the same person once more answered, I yelled, ''You're a jackass!'' and hung up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word ''jackass,'' and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up.
He'd answer, and I'd yell, ''You're a jackass!''
It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass.
Then one day I had an idea.
I dialed his number, then heard his voice say, ''Hello.'' I made up a name. ''Hi. This is the sales office of the Telephone Company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?''
He went, ''No!'' and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, ''That's because you're a jackass!''
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave.
Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. " Great," I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro comes flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.
I started honking my horn and yelling, ''You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!'' The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, "This guy's a jackass.
There sure a lot of jackasses in this world."
I noticed he had a ''For Sale'' sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, ''You're a jackass!'' (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, ''Hello.''
I said, ''Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?''
''Yes, it is.''
''Can you tell me where I can see it?''
''Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front.''
I said, ''What's your name?''
''My name is Don Hansen.''
''When's a good time to catch you, Don?''
''I'm home in the evenings.''
''Listen Don, can I tell you something?''
''Yes.''
''Don, you're a jackass!'' And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1.
A man answered nicely saying, ''Hello.''
I yelled ''You're a jackass!'' but I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, ''Are you still there?''
I said, ''Yeah.''
He said, ''Stop calling me.''
I said, ''No.''
He said, ''What's you name, pal?''
I said, ''Don Hansen.''
He said, ''Where do you live?''
''1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front.''
''I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers.''
''Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!'' and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, ''Hello.''
I said, ''Hello, Jackass!''
He said, ''If I ever find out who you are...''
''You'll what?''
''I'll kick your butt.''
''Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!'' And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.
Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street.
After that, I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!
Name withheld to protect the guilty.
Monks Made a Mistake
One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery going through the old scrolls.
"You see, there are the originals," said the first monk. "All the new scrolls were copied from these."
"Can I see one?"
"Sure. This is one outlines the rules for monkdom--" All of a sudden, the monk's face turns white and he falls to his knees.
"What? What does it say?"
"Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!"
Speaking Women-ese
WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN:
CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.
I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
... without you in it.
DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.
NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
... you cheap slob!
I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.
I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.
COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.
I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.
OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
... just not in that way.
YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.
WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.
I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.
OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.
OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.
Little Big Fart
There was this Indian chief who was straining to blow a fart but it wouldn't come out.
So he sent his little messenger boy to the doctor and he says, ''Big chief, no fart.''
The doctor gives him a can of beans and tells him to come back tommorrow to tell him what happened.
The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ''Big chief, no fart.''
The doctor gives him 10 cans of beans this time.
The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ''Big chief, no fart.'' The doctor gives him 100 cans of beans.
The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ''Big chief, no fart.''
The doctor gives him 10, 000 cans of beans and says, ''If this doesn't work then nothing will.''
The messenger boy comes back the next day and looks at the doctor.
The doctor anxiously asked, ''Well, did it work?''
The messenger boy says, ''Big fart, no chief!"
Well I turned down the position that they offered me for a couple of reasons. One, I did not want it because the job was higher stress and no increment in pay. Second is I have my oral board today for the police department that I applied for. Everyone that knows about me applying with the P.D. says that I will get the job, I am trying not to psyche myself out. For those of you who have never been to a oral board, they can be intense.
So I have the interview in a couple of hours and I am trying to study up so I try not to sound like a total jackass.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Update- The interview went off without a hitch. One of the officers that was on the interview board was one that was trying to score points for me with his Chief, saying that I seem like a guy with a good head on my shoulders and that we should hire him.
I was confident in all of my answers and at the end they each took a minute to ask me why I had failed my previous two enrollments in the police academy. I told them that it was a couple of reason, but the big one was when I came home on the weekends and my kids cried and ran away from me. That was very unsettling. I told them if I had another opportunity in becoming a police officer, I would do my damnedest.
I hope they bought it.
Laters.
Henshin a go-go baby!
This Story is true!!! For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone: Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you *don't* know! Now get this.
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered nicely saying, ''Hello?' '
I politely said, ''This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?''
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.
When the same person once more answered, I yelled, ''You're a jackass!'' and hung up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word ''jackass,'' and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up.
He'd answer, and I'd yell, ''You're a jackass!''
It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass.
Then one day I had an idea.
I dialed his number, then heard his voice say, ''Hello.'' I made up a name. ''Hi. This is the sales office of the Telephone Company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?''
He went, ''No!'' and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, ''That's because you're a jackass!''
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave.
Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. " Great," I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro comes flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.
I started honking my horn and yelling, ''You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!'' The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, "This guy's a jackass.
There sure a lot of jackasses in this world."
I noticed he had a ''For Sale'' sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, ''You're a jackass!'' (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, ''Hello.''
I said, ''Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?''
''Yes, it is.''
''Can you tell me where I can see it?''
''Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front.''
I said, ''What's your name?''
''My name is Don Hansen.''
''When's a good time to catch you, Don?''
''I'm home in the evenings.''
''Listen Don, can I tell you something?''
''Yes.''
''Don, you're a jackass!'' And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1.
A man answered nicely saying, ''Hello.''
I yelled ''You're a jackass!'' but I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, ''Are you still there?''
I said, ''Yeah.''
He said, ''Stop calling me.''
I said, ''No.''
He said, ''What's you name, pal?''
I said, ''Don Hansen.''
He said, ''Where do you live?''
''1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front.''
''I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers.''
''Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!'' and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, ''Hello.''
I said, ''Hello, Jackass!''
He said, ''If I ever find out who you are...''
''You'll what?''
''I'll kick your butt.''
''Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!'' And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.
Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street.
After that, I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!
Name withheld to protect the guilty.
Monks Made a Mistake
One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery going through the old scrolls.
"You see, there are the originals," said the first monk. "All the new scrolls were copied from these."
"Can I see one?"
"Sure. This is one outlines the rules for monkdom--" All of a sudden, the monk's face turns white and he falls to his knees.
"What? What does it say?"
"Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!"
Speaking Women-ese
WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN:
CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.
I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
... without you in it.
DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.
NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
... you cheap slob!
I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.
I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.
COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.
I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.
OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
... just not in that way.
YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.
WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.
I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.
OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.
OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.
Little Big Fart
There was this Indian chief who was straining to blow a fart but it wouldn't come out.
So he sent his little messenger boy to the doctor and he says, ''Big chief, no fart.''
The doctor gives him a can of beans and tells him to come back tommorrow to tell him what happened.
The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ''Big chief, no fart.''
The doctor gives him 10 cans of beans this time.
The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ''Big chief, no fart.'' The doctor gives him 100 cans of beans.
The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ''Big chief, no fart.''
The doctor gives him 10, 000 cans of beans and says, ''If this doesn't work then nothing will.''
The messenger boy comes back the next day and looks at the doctor.
The doctor anxiously asked, ''Well, did it work?''
The messenger boy says, ''Big fart, no chief!"
Well I turned down the position that they offered me for a couple of reasons. One, I did not want it because the job was higher stress and no increment in pay. Second is I have my oral board today for the police department that I applied for. Everyone that knows about me applying with the P.D. says that I will get the job, I am trying not to psyche myself out. For those of you who have never been to a oral board, they can be intense.
So I have the interview in a couple of hours and I am trying to study up so I try not to sound like a total jackass.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Update- The interview went off without a hitch. One of the officers that was on the interview board was one that was trying to score points for me with his Chief, saying that I seem like a guy with a good head on my shoulders and that we should hire him.
I was confident in all of my answers and at the end they each took a minute to ask me why I had failed my previous two enrollments in the police academy. I told them that it was a couple of reason, but the big one was when I came home on the weekends and my kids cried and ran away from me. That was very unsettling. I told them if I had another opportunity in becoming a police officer, I would do my damnedest.
I hope they bought it.
Laters.
Henshin a go-go baby!
VIEW 14 of 14 COMMENTS
noctem:
Yeah, I'm moving like 5 minutes away from where I live now 
But it's a lot nicer place and it's next door to where I work. Literally on the same lot. I walk out my back gate and I'm at work. So that's gonna be really cool.
But it's a lot nicer place and it's next door to where I work. Literally on the same lot. I walk out my back gate and I'm at work. So that's gonna be really cool. 
wildindigo:
SCISSORHANDS925 is taking the kids to Ozzfest without me...We like different kinds of music 