Fruit
Q: What do you call a bunch of gay guys standing on line?
A: Fruit by the foot.
The Other Side
Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact. On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear. One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit.
''Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I've got something to show you!''
''Not now! I'm eating.''
''Oh come on!'' said the rabbit. ''It's really important.''
''No way.''
''Please. It's urgent.''
So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air.
''Well, rabbit,'' he panted. ''What did you want to tell me?''
''Hey, Teddy,'' the rabbit began, ''look how many berries are on the other side of the river.''
Act Of God
The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it. When the next child arrived, the minister appealed and again the congregation approved the increase. Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expenses. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister.
Finally, the minister stood up and shouted "Having children is an Act of God!"
An older man in the back stood and shouted back "So are rain and snow, but we wear rubbers for them!"
Difference Between Men and Women
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.
Signs You've Been Partying Too Much
1. With a little effort, you could pull the bags under your eyes over your head.
2. When the professor calls out your name during attendance, you rhythmically cry out "In da' house!"
3. Your dirty laundry has become the closest thing to wall-to-wall carpeting.
4. Every study group you join gets fed up with your need to take a break for techno and grinding.
5. All your stories begin with, "I was so wasted..."
6. Your Native American name would've been "Man of Running Body Fluids."
7. You refer to sunlight as a "that bright shit."
8. You look forward to the weekdays as a time to relax.
9. Whenever you see a blinking "Do Not Walk" sign, you think how great it would look if you were on ecstasy.
10. All your stories end with, "...and that's when everything got blurry."
Funny Answering Machine Messages
1) The president is not in his/her office at this time. Please leave your number, the name of the country you wish to invade and the secret password.
2) Thanks for calling the psychic hotline. I'm not in my office right now, but leave your number and what you think of when you hear the following: orange, mother, unicorn. Also, leave me a brief history of your childhood. Thank you.
3) Hi, this is [YOUR NAME]'s refrigerator. The answering machine eloped with the tape deck so this is my job for a while. Leave a message and I'll stick it to myself so that [YOUR NAME] receives it promptly.
4) This is you know who, I'm you know where, leave your you know what, you know when.
5) Hi. Now you say something.
6) This is not the pizza place, so please do not leave an order or Luigi will come after you again.
7) [YOUR NAME]'s palace of pleasure. If you are a man/woman, leave your phone number and a brief description of yourself. If you are a man/woman hang up the phone and don't call back. I'm not gay.
Okay, last night was a messed up night at work. It was towards the end of the shift and I was acting O.I.C. (Officer in charge) again when my officers in the lockdown unit came to me and said that an inmate had cut his hand and was bleeding. I asked if it was pretty bad and if it needed E.M.S. attention? Both of them gave me half-assed answers about it look ike it was bleeding and it was too dark to see.
I went down to the unit where the inmate was housed, his is lockdown in a cell 23 hours a day, and looked at his hand and it was less than a quarter inch and looked very shallow, but it was bleeding a lot. As I was walking out of the unit, the inmates that were allowed to roam out of their cells had left a piece of note book cardboard attached to the television trying to block out the view of something, I grabbed the board and disposed of it.
When I returned with a band-aid and some anti-bacterial ointment, the food trap door on this particulr cell was propped open and could not be closed, I put the items on the open trap door and stepped back a couple of steps and the inmate took the items. He then reached his arm out and placed it on te trap door, preventing me from closing the trap door. He them wanted me to tell him "The shit I was talking when I was walking out the unit?". I told him that I was not talking to him and I was talking to his brother and I did not say anything to him. As I was attmpting to close the trap door, he reached out and almost hit me in the groin area and I stepped back and laughed at hm, telling him is that all he had and saying that all he was was a cell warrior!
Again I tried to close the trap door and he grabbed a hold of my sleeve, I wear long sleeve uniforms and long sleeve under shirts because of my tattoos, and pulled my arm in the cell and was screaming "Pull bitch, pull!".
So I said alright and grabbed a hold of his hand and gained my leaverage and yanked as hard as I could and he slammed his head against the door, when I closed the trap door on his arm and I was pushing as hard as I could to hold that trap door shut. As I let go of the trap door and he again grabbed my sleeve and ripped my favorite under shirt.
The police were called and reports were taken and filed, he is now awaiting more charges.
A day in the life that is me!
Henshin a go-go-baby.
Q: What do you call a bunch of gay guys standing on line?
A: Fruit by the foot.
The Other Side
Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact. On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear. One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit.
''Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I've got something to show you!''
''Not now! I'm eating.''
''Oh come on!'' said the rabbit. ''It's really important.''
''No way.''
''Please. It's urgent.''
So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air.
''Well, rabbit,'' he panted. ''What did you want to tell me?''
''Hey, Teddy,'' the rabbit began, ''look how many berries are on the other side of the river.''
Act Of God
The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it. When the next child arrived, the minister appealed and again the congregation approved the increase. Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expenses. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister.
Finally, the minister stood up and shouted "Having children is an Act of God!"
An older man in the back stood and shouted back "So are rain and snow, but we wear rubbers for them!"
Difference Between Men and Women
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.
Signs You've Been Partying Too Much
1. With a little effort, you could pull the bags under your eyes over your head.
2. When the professor calls out your name during attendance, you rhythmically cry out "In da' house!"
3. Your dirty laundry has become the closest thing to wall-to-wall carpeting.
4. Every study group you join gets fed up with your need to take a break for techno and grinding.
5. All your stories begin with, "I was so wasted..."
6. Your Native American name would've been "Man of Running Body Fluids."
7. You refer to sunlight as a "that bright shit."
8. You look forward to the weekdays as a time to relax.
9. Whenever you see a blinking "Do Not Walk" sign, you think how great it would look if you were on ecstasy.
10. All your stories end with, "...and that's when everything got blurry."
Funny Answering Machine Messages
1) The president is not in his/her office at this time. Please leave your number, the name of the country you wish to invade and the secret password.
2) Thanks for calling the psychic hotline. I'm not in my office right now, but leave your number and what you think of when you hear the following: orange, mother, unicorn. Also, leave me a brief history of your childhood. Thank you.
3) Hi, this is [YOUR NAME]'s refrigerator. The answering machine eloped with the tape deck so this is my job for a while. Leave a message and I'll stick it to myself so that [YOUR NAME] receives it promptly.
4) This is you know who, I'm you know where, leave your you know what, you know when.
5) Hi. Now you say something.
6) This is not the pizza place, so please do not leave an order or Luigi will come after you again.
7) [YOUR NAME]'s palace of pleasure. If you are a man/woman, leave your phone number and a brief description of yourself. If you are a man/woman hang up the phone and don't call back. I'm not gay.
Okay, last night was a messed up night at work. It was towards the end of the shift and I was acting O.I.C. (Officer in charge) again when my officers in the lockdown unit came to me and said that an inmate had cut his hand and was bleeding. I asked if it was pretty bad and if it needed E.M.S. attention? Both of them gave me half-assed answers about it look ike it was bleeding and it was too dark to see.
I went down to the unit where the inmate was housed, his is lockdown in a cell 23 hours a day, and looked at his hand and it was less than a quarter inch and looked very shallow, but it was bleeding a lot. As I was walking out of the unit, the inmates that were allowed to roam out of their cells had left a piece of note book cardboard attached to the television trying to block out the view of something, I grabbed the board and disposed of it.
When I returned with a band-aid and some anti-bacterial ointment, the food trap door on this particulr cell was propped open and could not be closed, I put the items on the open trap door and stepped back a couple of steps and the inmate took the items. He then reached his arm out and placed it on te trap door, preventing me from closing the trap door. He them wanted me to tell him "The shit I was talking when I was walking out the unit?". I told him that I was not talking to him and I was talking to his brother and I did not say anything to him. As I was attmpting to close the trap door, he reached out and almost hit me in the groin area and I stepped back and laughed at hm, telling him is that all he had and saying that all he was was a cell warrior!
Again I tried to close the trap door and he grabbed a hold of my sleeve, I wear long sleeve uniforms and long sleeve under shirts because of my tattoos, and pulled my arm in the cell and was screaming "Pull bitch, pull!".
So I said alright and grabbed a hold of his hand and gained my leaverage and yanked as hard as I could and he slammed his head against the door, when I closed the trap door on his arm and I was pushing as hard as I could to hold that trap door shut. As I let go of the trap door and he again grabbed my sleeve and ripped my favorite under shirt.
The police were called and reports were taken and filed, he is now awaiting more charges.
A day in the life that is me!
Henshin a go-go-baby.
VIEW 20 of 20 COMMENTS
ormunroe:
Just saying hello. 
ash:
u are right abt what u said in my journal ... like father like son, right? WRONG! Not if *I* can help it!