MURPHY goes into the confessional and says to his priest "I had an affair with a woman. . . almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?" MURPHY says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped" The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." MURPHY leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "MURPHY!!! I saw that you didn't put any money in the poor box!" MURPHY replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in.
That's Really Hot!
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot -- because you can catch a cold!
Drivers Education Exam Answers!
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.
(read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick-up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car? A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident? A: Be too sh*t-faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving. A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons.
Top Ten Pick Up Lines Women Should Use!
10. Wanna come play on my slip and slide?
9. If you were a naval captain, would you let me inspect your seamen?
8. This bra is so tight its uncomfortable.
7. You must know a good rain dance, cuz youre making me wet.
6. Excuse me my lipstick rolled underneath your seat, mind if I get under you?
5. I was thinking of volunteering at the fire department, could I practice sliding down your pole?
4. How many licks does it take to get to the center of your tootsie pop?
3. Stick it in!!
2. Either I just spilled my drink in my lap or Im really happy to see you.
1. Your face reminds me of a La-Z Boy, I could sit on it all day long!
Stuttering Problem!
A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.
Doctor: "It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering."
"Ddddd octttor . Whhaaat cccan I dddo?"
The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem. The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be worth it. The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.
Patient: Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches.
The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says: "I dddoonnnbt ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble!"
A Shave and a Shine!
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.
The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
After last night, I come to realize just how old I am getting. A group of us went to see tha Slipknot concert last night over at the new Glendale arena and I have to say that that arena is very impressive and spacious. To bad that that they only use it for concerts and stuff since the hockey season was cancelled. When we were driving up, in the distance, right next to the Glendale arena, was the stadium where the Cardinals are going to play. Now that place is going to be huge.
Anyway, concert started at about 7:00 in the pm and we all stood for the entire concert and my knees and legs were feeling oh so worn out at the end of the concert. To make matters worse, I hate it when the people in the stands start to rush the stage, I really hate it. The funny thing was that my group consisted of missdates, my cousin, my brother, actually my best friend but I consider him more of my brother than my own blood, and a friend of my family. My brother and the friend are pretty big themselves and I were standing arm-to-arm and when people started to rush, a few just bounced of one of us and looked at us and ran around us. No way they would get through us.
Towards the end of the concert, people around us started to call us the Offensive line. All in all, Slipknot is a great band, one of the best that I have seen live and I would definetly see them again.
Henshin a-go-go baby.
That's Really Hot!
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot -- because you can catch a cold!
Drivers Education Exam Answers!
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.
(read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick-up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car? A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident? A: Be too sh*t-faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving. A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons.
Top Ten Pick Up Lines Women Should Use!
10. Wanna come play on my slip and slide?
9. If you were a naval captain, would you let me inspect your seamen?
8. This bra is so tight its uncomfortable.
7. You must know a good rain dance, cuz youre making me wet.
6. Excuse me my lipstick rolled underneath your seat, mind if I get under you?
5. I was thinking of volunteering at the fire department, could I practice sliding down your pole?
4. How many licks does it take to get to the center of your tootsie pop?
3. Stick it in!!
2. Either I just spilled my drink in my lap or Im really happy to see you.
1. Your face reminds me of a La-Z Boy, I could sit on it all day long!
Stuttering Problem!
A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.
Doctor: "It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering."
"Ddddd octttor . Whhaaat cccan I dddo?"
The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem. The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be worth it. The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.
Patient: Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches.
The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says: "I dddoonnnbt ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble!"
A Shave and a Shine!
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.
The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
After last night, I come to realize just how old I am getting. A group of us went to see tha Slipknot concert last night over at the new Glendale arena and I have to say that that arena is very impressive and spacious. To bad that that they only use it for concerts and stuff since the hockey season was cancelled. When we were driving up, in the distance, right next to the Glendale arena, was the stadium where the Cardinals are going to play. Now that place is going to be huge.
Anyway, concert started at about 7:00 in the pm and we all stood for the entire concert and my knees and legs were feeling oh so worn out at the end of the concert. To make matters worse, I hate it when the people in the stands start to rush the stage, I really hate it. The funny thing was that my group consisted of missdates, my cousin, my brother, actually my best friend but I consider him more of my brother than my own blood, and a friend of my family. My brother and the friend are pretty big themselves and I were standing arm-to-arm and when people started to rush, a few just bounced of one of us and looked at us and ran around us. No way they would get through us.
Towards the end of the concert, people around us started to call us the Offensive line. All in all, Slipknot is a great band, one of the best that I have seen live and I would definetly see them again.
Henshin a-go-go baby.
VIEW 14 of 14 COMMENTS
I was such a tomboy; climbing trees and trying to hang with the boys. I very distinctly remember chasing a boy in elementary school that claimed to like me, pushing him down, and stepping on his crotch. I didn't know about male reproductive parts at that age but I did know kicking there on a boy would hurt him.
Twins...all the things they must get into. Ha. But double kisses and double love...