Sh#!
Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language....
Consider this: You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck or have shit for brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit and tell others to eat shit and die. You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away.
People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded and shit over. Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits and sweet shits. There is bull shit, and horse shit and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can take a shit, give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose. Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else.
The First Profession
A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world's first professional.
The doctor said, "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helped with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman?"
"No," said the rabbi. ''It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world."
"Wait," said the engineer, "The world was created in six days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an orgnanized, civilized place from utter chaos?"
"Yes, but who created the chaos?" asked the lawyer...
A Small Problem
A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are so small. ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks.
The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''
Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!''
''How!?!?!?'' she asks.
''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.''
''Well how long does it take?'' she asks.
''They should expand over the years,'' he answers.
''How did you know that?'' she wonders.
''I dunno, but it sure worked for your ass, didn't it?'''
Three Nuns
Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?" The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours." So the nuns left thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"
The next day they went to the mother one at a time. The mother said tot he first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?" and the nun said "I stole a kid's bike." The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water. When the nun did she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent.
The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!" The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."
The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"
Top 20 Signs It's a Bad Day
1) You wake up face down on the pavement.
2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
4) You see a ''60 minutes'' news team waiting in your office.
5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
6) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
7) You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
8) Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
9) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.
10) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
11) Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
12) Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
13) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
14) You wake up and your braces are locked together.
15) You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
16) Your blind date turns out to be your ex.
17) Your paycheck bounces.
18) You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
19) Your pet rock snaps at you.
20) Your wife says, ''Good morning, Bill'' and your name is George.
World's Toughest Cowboy
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous.
A night of tall tales commences.
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."
The second chimes in, "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
I just came back from court and I had to go to clear my name because someone is using my social security number or my drivers license. The Judge dismissed the case because the Police Officer did not show up to present his side of the story.
The funny thing is that this the second time I had to clear my name because the same incident happened to me a couple of months ago for the same thing. I need to go to the D.M.V. and see what I can do more to prevent this type of thing from happening to me a third time.
Henshin a go-go baby.
Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language....
Consider this: You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck or have shit for brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit and tell others to eat shit and die. You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away.
People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded and shit over. Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits and sweet shits. There is bull shit, and horse shit and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can take a shit, give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose. Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else.
The First Profession
A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world's first professional.
The doctor said, "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helped with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman?"
"No," said the rabbi. ''It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world."
"Wait," said the engineer, "The world was created in six days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an orgnanized, civilized place from utter chaos?"
"Yes, but who created the chaos?" asked the lawyer...
A Small Problem
A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are so small. ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks.
The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''
Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!''
''How!?!?!?'' she asks.
''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.''
''Well how long does it take?'' she asks.
''They should expand over the years,'' he answers.
''How did you know that?'' she wonders.
''I dunno, but it sure worked for your ass, didn't it?'''
Three Nuns
Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?" The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours." So the nuns left thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"
The next day they went to the mother one at a time. The mother said tot he first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?" and the nun said "I stole a kid's bike." The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water. When the nun did she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent.
The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!" The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."
The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"
Top 20 Signs It's a Bad Day
1) You wake up face down on the pavement.
2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
4) You see a ''60 minutes'' news team waiting in your office.
5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
6) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
7) You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
8) Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
9) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.
10) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
11) Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
12) Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
13) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
14) You wake up and your braces are locked together.
15) You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
16) Your blind date turns out to be your ex.
17) Your paycheck bounces.
18) You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
19) Your pet rock snaps at you.
20) Your wife says, ''Good morning, Bill'' and your name is George.
World's Toughest Cowboy
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous.
A night of tall tales commences.
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."
The second chimes in, "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
I just came back from court and I had to go to clear my name because someone is using my social security number or my drivers license. The Judge dismissed the case because the Police Officer did not show up to present his side of the story.
The funny thing is that this the second time I had to clear my name because the same incident happened to me a couple of months ago for the same thing. I need to go to the D.M.V. and see what I can do more to prevent this type of thing from happening to me a third time.
Henshin a go-go baby.
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
Thanks for the laugh, ME go pink HAHAHAHAHA, not unless someone pays for me to go on Extreme Makeover first sweetie
Smooches
Michelle xx