thedarkness

John & Marsha!

John & Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted.
A few moments passed "An ambulance just drove by"
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company" he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike"
"The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!!
Dad cautiously asked "How do you know they are having sex??"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony too"


The Phone Call!


((((RING)))) (((RING)))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

Brief Pause...

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? .....Is this 555-7039??"


Perfect Girl!

A friend asked me the other day why I never got married. I replied "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."
"Oh, come on now," said my friend. "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."
"Yes, there was one girl... once. I guess she was the one perfect girl -- the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything... I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."
"Well, why didn't you marry her?" asked my friend. I shrugged my shoulders and replied, "She was looking for the perfect man.


Circus!

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired navy chief in his mid-sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her; feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired chief and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old chief replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."


You're Probably Aged 23 to 28!


You learned to swim about the same time Jaws came out and still carry the emotional scars to this day.

You could sing "99 Red Balloons" in English and in German.

You're starting to believe that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.

You did the LeFreak with Chic.

"All-skate, change directions" means something to you.

In high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and over again.

You wore anything Izod, especially collar "up," or the windbreakers that folded up into a pouch you could wear around your waist.

You owned a Jordache anything, or you remember when Jordache jeans were cool.

You even dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, Rick Springfield, or Cyndi Lauper video.

You actually know who Rick Springfield is.

You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you in the "tail gunner" position.

Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language.

You ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon.

You had a poster of Bo, Luke & Daisy Duke.

There was nothing to question about Bert n' Ernie living together.

Knickers and leg warmers were cool.

You ever wanted to learn to play "Stairway to Heaven" on the guitar and choreographed "Dancing Queen" by yourself in your room.

You were afraid of the Sleestaks on Land of the Lost.

The first time you ever kissed someone was at a dance during "Crazy for You" by Madonna.

You ever used the phrase "kiss mah grits" in conversation.

You had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding.

You know who shot J.R.

This rings a bell: "...and my name, is Charlie. They work for me."

You ever had a Dorothy Hammill haircut.

You sat with your friends on a Friday night and dialed "867-5309" to see if Jenny would answer.

You owned a pair of Rainbow suspenders just like Mork used to wear.

You remember when your cable TV box had the three rows of numbers and you had to move the selector switch accordingly.

Two Words: Feathered hair

Your jaw would ache by the time you finished those "brick-sized" packages of Bazooka gum.

The phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.



There was this redneck that walked into a ...

There was this redneck that walked into a bar and ordered a beer. While he was waiting on his drink he noticed a jar of money sitting on the counter. When the bartender came back the redneck asked the bartender about the money.
The bartender replied, "Well, this money is for the goat we have outside."

The redneck was puzzled so he asked again. "What exactly is this money for."

The bartender replied. "Well, We have a goat outside and he just lays there and never moves or hollers or anything and who ever can make him holler gets this money."

So the redneck finished him beer and goes outside.

He comes back in and the goat is laughing so hard and can't stop. The bartender askes how he did it and the Redneck won't answer. So the redneck walks out of the bar with the money.

A week later the Redneck comes in and sees the same bartender. He orders the same thing. And this time he sees another jar of money. He askes the bartender what this money was for.

The bartender replies "Well, ever since you got that goat to laugh, we can't get him to stop. So we made another jar. Who ever can get that goat to stop laughing gets the money."

So, just like last time he finished his beer and went out side.

Well when he came in, the goat was crying. The bartender was wondering how he did it and the redneck replied, "A redneck never lets out his secrets."

So, he took his money and left.

About a week later the redneck came back and he saw another jar of money. So, he asked the bartender what this jar was. The bartender replied "Well, you have us all wondering how you did it. First you made him laugh then you made him cry and we want to know how you did it."

The redneck just sat there laughing. He says "Well, to make him laugh, I told him my penis was bigger than his and to make him cry, well, I proved it to him."


Last night missdates and I had a movie night and watched the Kevin Smith film "Jersey Girl." It was a good movie and Liv Tyler is so beautiful.

When watching this movie, it reminded me on how much being a parent is the best feeling in the world. For those of you that are not parents, I don't envy you in the least bit. You may have your freedom and independence, but you can never understand the joy it brings to your heart when your child looks at you and the love in their face they have for you, words fail to describe it. The movie moved me so much, that I woke the twins up and layed them with us in the bedroom for the night.

I hope everyone has a good day and hug someone you love.

Henshin a go-go baby.