A Haunted Marriage.
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old woman would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared her They believed she practiced blackmagic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old woman liked the fact that she was feared. To everyone's relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 68.
He had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, he went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
His neighbors, concerned for his safety, asked,
"Aren't you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The Man put down his drink and said, "Let her dig.
I had her buried upside down......."
A Holiday in the Caribbean!
A woman goes on holiday in the Caribbean, whilst staying at her hotel she meets a big black guy. After a night of mad passion she asked for his name.
He replies: If I tell you, you will laugh! The woman promises she wont laugh, so he says: My name is SNOW!
She laughs and says: My hubby wont believe me when I tell him had 10 inches of snow every night in the Caribbean!!!
The Sock!
A guy comes down for breakfast one morning and sees his wife at the stove with the frying pan on, and one of his socks in it.
Husband: What the fuck are you doing?!!
Wife: I'm only doing what you begged me to do all last night!!
Husband: I wasn't asking you to COOK MY SOCK !!!
The Maid.
There was once a man whose wife had gone for a vacation. When she comes back from vacation and starts reorganizing her wardrobe, the wife finds that there are two panties in her dresser which do not belong to her. Seeing this, she gets very angry and calls her husband and asks him , "Whose panties are these?" Taken aback, he replies, "I have no idea"' She gets really irritated and asks him to tell the truth, and then calls the maid. She questions the maid and asks her who these panties belong to. The maid replies, ''Madam, how do I know? These panties don't belong to me. I don't wear panties, you can ask Sir, he knows it.''
George and Harry's European Vacation.
Two friends, named Harry and George, go on a trip to Europe, where they have a great time. When they get back, Harry meets up with his pal Phil to tell him all about it.
"One of the first places we went to was the leaning tower of Pisa. It was really neat."
"Cool. Did you go up inside it?"
"No, we couldn't, since George is a cripple. But we did go to visit the Cathedral of Notre Dame in Paris. That was really neat."
"Cool. Did you go up inside it?"
"No, we couldn't, since George is a cripple. But we did go to visit Big Ben in London."
"Cool. Did you go up inside it?"
"No, we couldn't, since George is a cripple. But we did attend mass at the Vatican."
"Really? What happened?"
"Well, the Pope made the sign of the cross, and George dropped his right crutch, and he dropped his left crutch."
"Cool. What happened then?"
"George fell on his ass. He's a cripple, you know."
Add It Up: Relationship Guide.
For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system.
Simple Duties:
You make the bed..+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pllows..0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets..-1
You leave the toilet seat up..-5
You leave the toilet lid down..-10 after the lights are out..-30
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings..+5
But return with beer ..-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing..0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something..+5
You pummel it with a six iron..+10
It's her father..-10
Social Engagements:
You stay by her side the entire party..0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy..-2
Named Tiffany..-4
Tiffany is a dancer..-6
Tiffany has implants..-8
Her Birthday:
You take her out to dinner..0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1
Okay, it is a sports bar..-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night..-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team..-10
A Night Out With The Boys:
Go out with a pal ..-5
And the pal is happily married ..-4
Or frighteningly single ..-7
And he drives a Mustang..-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ..-15
A Night Out:
You take her to a movie..+2
You take her to a movie she likes..+4
You take her to a movie you hate..+6
You take her to a movie you like..-2
It's called DeathCop 3..-3
Which features cyborgs having sex..-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15
Your Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly..-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ..-30
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too"...-800
The Big Question:
She asks, "Do I look fat?" ..-5
You hesitate in responding..-10
You reply, "Where?"..-35
Communication:
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression ..0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep.. -20
Well the court thing is all settled, I went and the guy lost the case. Three people showed up as witnesses against the guy, the police officer who took the report, the lady he hit and myself. After the Judge heard all the testimonies, he ruled that the guy was at fault and had to pay a fine of $140.00 dollars for failure to yield at an intersection. So hopefully now I can have his insurance pay for the damages done to the Tahoe.
Last night was fun, I wanted to thank the host and hostess of the party NinjaWiener and her man for inviting us into their home. There was a lot of drunken debauchery present and I will upload the pictures and we can all laugh at the drunk people. I had the opportunity to meet a lot of new people and finally meet some of the members, which was the high light of the evening for myself.
Henshin a go-go baby.
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old woman would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared her They believed she practiced blackmagic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old woman liked the fact that she was feared. To everyone's relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 68.
He had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, he went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
His neighbors, concerned for his safety, asked,
"Aren't you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The Man put down his drink and said, "Let her dig.
I had her buried upside down......."
A Holiday in the Caribbean!
A woman goes on holiday in the Caribbean, whilst staying at her hotel she meets a big black guy. After a night of mad passion she asked for his name.
He replies: If I tell you, you will laugh! The woman promises she wont laugh, so he says: My name is SNOW!
She laughs and says: My hubby wont believe me when I tell him had 10 inches of snow every night in the Caribbean!!!
The Sock!
A guy comes down for breakfast one morning and sees his wife at the stove with the frying pan on, and one of his socks in it.
Husband: What the fuck are you doing?!!
Wife: I'm only doing what you begged me to do all last night!!
Husband: I wasn't asking you to COOK MY SOCK !!!
The Maid.
There was once a man whose wife had gone for a vacation. When she comes back from vacation and starts reorganizing her wardrobe, the wife finds that there are two panties in her dresser which do not belong to her. Seeing this, she gets very angry and calls her husband and asks him , "Whose panties are these?" Taken aback, he replies, "I have no idea"' She gets really irritated and asks him to tell the truth, and then calls the maid. She questions the maid and asks her who these panties belong to. The maid replies, ''Madam, how do I know? These panties don't belong to me. I don't wear panties, you can ask Sir, he knows it.''
George and Harry's European Vacation.
Two friends, named Harry and George, go on a trip to Europe, where they have a great time. When they get back, Harry meets up with his pal Phil to tell him all about it.
"One of the first places we went to was the leaning tower of Pisa. It was really neat."
"Cool. Did you go up inside it?"
"No, we couldn't, since George is a cripple. But we did go to visit the Cathedral of Notre Dame in Paris. That was really neat."
"Cool. Did you go up inside it?"
"No, we couldn't, since George is a cripple. But we did go to visit Big Ben in London."
"Cool. Did you go up inside it?"
"No, we couldn't, since George is a cripple. But we did attend mass at the Vatican."
"Really? What happened?"
"Well, the Pope made the sign of the cross, and George dropped his right crutch, and he dropped his left crutch."
"Cool. What happened then?"
"George fell on his ass. He's a cripple, you know."
Add It Up: Relationship Guide.
For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system.
Simple Duties:
You make the bed..+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pllows..0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets..-1
You leave the toilet seat up..-5
You leave the toilet lid down..-10 after the lights are out..-30
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings..+5
But return with beer ..-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing..0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something..+5
You pummel it with a six iron..+10
It's her father..-10
Social Engagements:
You stay by her side the entire party..0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy..-2
Named Tiffany..-4
Tiffany is a dancer..-6
Tiffany has implants..-8
Her Birthday:
You take her out to dinner..0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1
Okay, it is a sports bar..-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night..-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team..-10
A Night Out With The Boys:
Go out with a pal ..-5
And the pal is happily married ..-4
Or frighteningly single ..-7
And he drives a Mustang..-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ..-15
A Night Out:
You take her to a movie..+2
You take her to a movie she likes..+4
You take her to a movie you hate..+6
You take her to a movie you like..-2
It's called DeathCop 3..-3
Which features cyborgs having sex..-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15
Your Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly..-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ..-30
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too"...-800
The Big Question:
She asks, "Do I look fat?" ..-5
You hesitate in responding..-10
You reply, "Where?"..-35
Communication:
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression ..0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep.. -20
Well the court thing is all settled, I went and the guy lost the case. Three people showed up as witnesses against the guy, the police officer who took the report, the lady he hit and myself. After the Judge heard all the testimonies, he ruled that the guy was at fault and had to pay a fine of $140.00 dollars for failure to yield at an intersection. So hopefully now I can have his insurance pay for the damages done to the Tahoe.
Last night was fun, I wanted to thank the host and hostess of the party NinjaWiener and her man for inviting us into their home. There was a lot of drunken debauchery present and I will upload the pictures and we can all laugh at the drunk people. I had the opportunity to meet a lot of new people and finally meet some of the members, which was the high light of the evening for myself.
Henshin a go-go baby.
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I went to the first prom, so I could really go either way with it.