Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing Home Residents. They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her husband had come to the nursing home. The other woman said that her sex life was great! "The secret to great sex is this," the woman told her, "when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!" Ethel says, "I'm going to try that tonight!" When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes. Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move. It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, her husband yells "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an ass!"
Sandwiches
Two men went into a diner and sat down at the counter. They ordered two sodas, took sandwiches out of their packs and started to eat them.
The owner saw what was going on and approached the men. "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here," he complained.
The two men stopped, looked at each other, and then swapped their sandwiches.
The Energizer Bunny
The Energizer Bunny, known best for "going and going and going..." passed away last evening. Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was
caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation.
Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming...
Can you speak Lesbian?
1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet.
2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke.
3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
Militia Etheridge.
4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.
5. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A Lickalotapuss.
6. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders.
7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung.
8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?
She was found face down in Ricki Lake.
9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have balls.
10. What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes.
11. What's the definition of confusion?
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.
12. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker.
Children
HOW THE BIRTH ORDER OF YOUR CHILDREN CHANGES THE WAY THINGS ARE DONE:
Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
Swallowing Coins
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
Okay, this week the class ahead of us graduate this Firday. First they have to complete their practicals. The practicals is where they get to put what they learned over the past, (18), eighteen weeks into real life scenarios.
We get to go and get to learn how to drive our patrol cars properly. That means we get to drive them at break neck speeds and roll code 3, which means lights and sirens. I am looking forward to it so much.
I qualified last week on the handgun portion of the academy. We had, (2), two qualifications, (1), one day and, (1), one night shoot. Twice on each shoot and on each one I scored a, (249), two forty nine and a, (250), two fifty consecutively. I never shot a semi-automatic handgun before. I guess all those lonely Saturday nights finally paid off.
Henshin a-go-go baby!
Sandwiches
Two men went into a diner and sat down at the counter. They ordered two sodas, took sandwiches out of their packs and started to eat them.
The owner saw what was going on and approached the men. "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here," he complained.
The two men stopped, looked at each other, and then swapped their sandwiches.
The Energizer Bunny
The Energizer Bunny, known best for "going and going and going..." passed away last evening. Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was
caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation.
Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming...
Can you speak Lesbian?
1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet.
2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke.
3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
Militia Etheridge.
4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.
5. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A Lickalotapuss.
6. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders.
7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung.
8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?
She was found face down in Ricki Lake.
9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have balls.
10. What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes.
11. What's the definition of confusion?
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.
12. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker.
Children
HOW THE BIRTH ORDER OF YOUR CHILDREN CHANGES THE WAY THINGS ARE DONE:
Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
Swallowing Coins
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
Okay, this week the class ahead of us graduate this Firday. First they have to complete their practicals. The practicals is where they get to put what they learned over the past, (18), eighteen weeks into real life scenarios.
We get to go and get to learn how to drive our patrol cars properly. That means we get to drive them at break neck speeds and roll code 3, which means lights and sirens. I am looking forward to it so much.
I qualified last week on the handgun portion of the academy. We had, (2), two qualifications, (1), one day and, (1), one night shoot. Twice on each shoot and on each one I scored a, (249), two forty nine and a, (250), two fifty consecutively. I never shot a semi-automatic handgun before. I guess all those lonely Saturday nights finally paid off.
Henshin a-go-go baby!
VIEW 25 of 49 COMMENTS
mistressvamp:
And quite tasty with some cinnamon sprinkled on top. 
mistressvamp:
Yuppers, don't ask me how I figured that one out cause I can't remember but it is damn tasty. 