theburningred

Haven't written in a few days-
Saturday morning gorgeous day out. Perfect day for trouble- Just got home (from last night) i maintain the tame though. Tears in my eyes, and I'm sore.

I'm listening to L7 (hungry for stink)- blast from 10 years back. Can't believe i didn't manage to lose this CD. I lose everything. I have a hard time remembering a time when i knew where everything was. Try as I might- I live a very very disorganized life. My apartment is nice on the surface, look past that and it's incomplete- I haven't done the dishes in almost 2 weeks- sad thing is there are only 2 dishes in the sink and everything else in the dishwasher- wonder if it makes me lazy or if i think someone will magically show up and clean up after me. I have no problem picking up the mess left behind by others but for the life of me i can't get my own shit together...

enough ranting- Last night's Hoobastank show was postponed so the chaos that could have been wasn't- that sux. I get to go in 9 weeks- still that seems like forever away.

i had a friend in town this week from out of state, great guy strange relationship he and i have. We first met 3 years back in Vegas. I should have left it there because everyone knows what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.


Nothing really happened when we were there since it was my last night and i wasn't up for a one night stand.


Basically he got me and my roommate drunk and let us spend his money on the blackjack tables. At the end of the night he gave me his number and i threw it out. if it wasn't for my then roommate pushing me to call when i got home i know i wouldn't even be typing this. But she did, and here i am.
So him and i maintained a long distance relationship (guess you can call it that) for about 2 months, talked on the phone for 3 hours a night, emailed all day long, - we agreed we weren't going to see anyone else. So he makes a trip here- stays with me. And after several days, some uppers and downers and even meeting my mother the guy tells me he's in love, wants me to move out west and get married. And yes i was in love with the idea but terrified. This would have meant me giving up my life here and starting off brand new.

I sent him back on a plane ASAP and went about my life. We maintain a friendship we both go about our lives. We chat 2-3 times a month. He gets new girlfriend- tells me he still cares for me. So back to the present. He's here again and tells me he is going to wife this girl. Unless I say there is something here for him. What am i to do? No clue- so again i sent him on a plane back out west. My mother says I'm dumb- and maybe i am- but the thought of being that idealistic to someone scares the shit out of me. i'll die an old lady because i turn down all the right proposals and always chase down a dream that would be a nightmare if turned to reality. This has to be like the 5th guy I've fucked up llike that. I don't feel great about that.

That's enough to make me sick enough to make me want to disappear-

enough for me to not want to stay in this apartment and go bake in the sun on the beach with a mai tai in hand.


enough to make me want to crank up some machine head and go crazy~

for now I'll go christmas shop- FOR MYSELF! Everyone else can kiss my behind....