Close Encounters of the Douchebag Kind:
This morning I went to my favorite cafe, and I'm sitting at an outside table, reading the paper, enjoying the atmosphere. It's a nice morning.
Then, a giant SUV pulls in, takes up a residential parking space (despite these being clearly labelled as such; but they don't have meters, you see). Two guys get out, one goes in to get coffee, presumably; the other pulls out his cell and struts around, bellowing not one, but two conversations, pacing back and forth, turning in all directions. (I might point out that I rarely see anyone park in those spots, as everybody knows they're for the tenants above the coffee shop; but the last time I did see it, it was a guy in a giant SUV, who got out of his vehilcle already talking loudly into HIS cell phone.) Clearly, this was his world, the rest of us are just living in it.
After the guy's friend comes out, he asks to borrow some chairs from the table I'm at, I say "Sure", and they pull up the seats right next to me and proceed to have a REALLY LOUD conversation right there, which in itself is no big deal, but these guys are Superdouches.
Some guy then rides up in his car, and starts yelling out his wondow at them; turns out to be one of the friends Douche 1 had just spoken to on the phone. After yelling jovial inanities at each other for awhile (I know I might sound like a grumpy old man here, but trust me, if you were there, you'd want to throw a knife at them at this point), 3rd Douche pulls away, only to return on foot, yelling to his two friends while still 20 yards away (at least he parked in the right area... I think). They then have another loud conversation, the premise of which is this: "All those people who drive hybrids are shitty drivers.... They're so stupid...etc etc. None of them know how to drive-- NONE OF THEM!" This goes on for about four or five minutes.
Now, I drive a hybrid. I picked it out for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is the environment. Yep, it's still a car, but a car that can get over 50 miles per gallon, and a vast improvement over the modified tanks so many of our fellow citizens feel the need to drive. You know, the ones that take up 1.5 parking spaces, suck up precious oil like water, and are used to transport douches from strip mall to strip mall, generally. (Sorry if you own one, I know some people have families and feel the need for one; but for a lot of these people, it's about the power trip, I believe; "I am bigger/taller, therefore I am more imporant"; or rather, "I need to feel big and tall and protected; please fear me...")
Anyhooo, I'm trying to concentrate on my paper, but as these guys are so loud, and are practically right in my lap, they're rather hard to ignore. I feel the urge to say something; the coffee is surging through me; but the Better Angel of My Nature steps in, and says, "These guys are ignorant, what good would it do?"
Honestly, I've heard this shit before, almost always out of the mouths of drivers of SUVs and mega-trucks. Which is ironic, considering that whenever I've had people pull dumbass moves or show a lack of basic driving manners, it's been one of these guys almost 75% of the time. Someone pulls out in front of you? SUV. Someone cuts in front of you, without signalling? SUV. Someone tailgates you when you're already going 10-15 mph over the limit? Mega-truck. And on and on.
I think I've had that experience ONCE with a hybrid; and I remember it because it was such a rare event. In fact, from what I gathered by overhearing the conversation, Douche 1 was mad because someone was waiting for something that they didn't need to (in his opinion), and he drove around her, and she glared at him. Yep, she sounds like a real reckless, dumb bitch. He probably ran over a group of kittens as he reached down to turn up Bon Jovi on his stereo.
But I hold my tongue, finish my coffee, and get up to go. As I fold my paper, I offer the guys my table. "Hey, you're the best!" they yell out jovially, and stand up to take my table. Then I add, conspiratorially, "I've gotta go drive my hybrid home."
They were silent for a second, then Douche 1 yelled out, "Bu you know how to drive it right?!" I just nodded my head as I walked back to my car.
So shit, maybe they at least got a reminder that you MAY at least want to think twice before you yell out a bunch of insults in public without knowing who's around you. At least, I'd like to think so.
Once again, if you drive an SUV, my apologies. Chances are, if you're on SG, you're not a douche. But respect the hybrids, muthafuckas. We are the future, at least for awhile. (Jetpacks are next.)
This morning I went to my favorite cafe, and I'm sitting at an outside table, reading the paper, enjoying the atmosphere. It's a nice morning.
Then, a giant SUV pulls in, takes up a residential parking space (despite these being clearly labelled as such; but they don't have meters, you see). Two guys get out, one goes in to get coffee, presumably; the other pulls out his cell and struts around, bellowing not one, but two conversations, pacing back and forth, turning in all directions. (I might point out that I rarely see anyone park in those spots, as everybody knows they're for the tenants above the coffee shop; but the last time I did see it, it was a guy in a giant SUV, who got out of his vehilcle already talking loudly into HIS cell phone.) Clearly, this was his world, the rest of us are just living in it.
After the guy's friend comes out, he asks to borrow some chairs from the table I'm at, I say "Sure", and they pull up the seats right next to me and proceed to have a REALLY LOUD conversation right there, which in itself is no big deal, but these guys are Superdouches.
Some guy then rides up in his car, and starts yelling out his wondow at them; turns out to be one of the friends Douche 1 had just spoken to on the phone. After yelling jovial inanities at each other for awhile (I know I might sound like a grumpy old man here, but trust me, if you were there, you'd want to throw a knife at them at this point), 3rd Douche pulls away, only to return on foot, yelling to his two friends while still 20 yards away (at least he parked in the right area... I think). They then have another loud conversation, the premise of which is this: "All those people who drive hybrids are shitty drivers.... They're so stupid...etc etc. None of them know how to drive-- NONE OF THEM!" This goes on for about four or five minutes.
Now, I drive a hybrid. I picked it out for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is the environment. Yep, it's still a car, but a car that can get over 50 miles per gallon, and a vast improvement over the modified tanks so many of our fellow citizens feel the need to drive. You know, the ones that take up 1.5 parking spaces, suck up precious oil like water, and are used to transport douches from strip mall to strip mall, generally. (Sorry if you own one, I know some people have families and feel the need for one; but for a lot of these people, it's about the power trip, I believe; "I am bigger/taller, therefore I am more imporant"; or rather, "I need to feel big and tall and protected; please fear me...")
Anyhooo, I'm trying to concentrate on my paper, but as these guys are so loud, and are practically right in my lap, they're rather hard to ignore. I feel the urge to say something; the coffee is surging through me; but the Better Angel of My Nature steps in, and says, "These guys are ignorant, what good would it do?"
Honestly, I've heard this shit before, almost always out of the mouths of drivers of SUVs and mega-trucks. Which is ironic, considering that whenever I've had people pull dumbass moves or show a lack of basic driving manners, it's been one of these guys almost 75% of the time. Someone pulls out in front of you? SUV. Someone cuts in front of you, without signalling? SUV. Someone tailgates you when you're already going 10-15 mph over the limit? Mega-truck. And on and on.
I think I've had that experience ONCE with a hybrid; and I remember it because it was such a rare event. In fact, from what I gathered by overhearing the conversation, Douche 1 was mad because someone was waiting for something that they didn't need to (in his opinion), and he drove around her, and she glared at him. Yep, she sounds like a real reckless, dumb bitch. He probably ran over a group of kittens as he reached down to turn up Bon Jovi on his stereo.
But I hold my tongue, finish my coffee, and get up to go. As I fold my paper, I offer the guys my table. "Hey, you're the best!" they yell out jovially, and stand up to take my table. Then I add, conspiratorially, "I've gotta go drive my hybrid home."
They were silent for a second, then Douche 1 yelled out, "Bu you know how to drive it right?!" I just nodded my head as I walked back to my car.
So shit, maybe they at least got a reminder that you MAY at least want to think twice before you yell out a bunch of insults in public without knowing who's around you. At least, I'd like to think so.
Once again, if you drive an SUV, my apologies. Chances are, if you're on SG, you're not a douche. But respect the hybrids, muthafuckas. We are the future, at least for awhile. (Jetpacks are next.)