the_o_man

Hello eveyone ...I hope someone reads this and makes some sense out of it 'cause right now i'm very drunk & upset --How do i begin ...it hurts to write about this.I met this wonderful ,intelligent,beautiful and open minded woman a few months back from two very close friends of mine. The chemistry was bouncing off the charts ! We hit it off from the start and WE both dicussed how we were not looking for a relationship. So we continue to see each other , go dinner , drinks and parties with friends. It was soo very cool i had a great girl for companionship who just wanted to go out and have a good time. No strings attached no lil bullshit spats .It was all good. I'll admit as time went on i grew fond of her but kept the real emotions/feelings {me} out of the relationship. I said to myself don't get hurt take it for what it is because that's what we agreed to in the beginning .I did just that ...then one night in bed we were talking ...{Now this hurts alot} and we were in each others arms and she told me that i make her feel secure , safe and beautiful. That was nicest thing a lover has ever said to me ...I was actually building the courage to speak. I was trembling ...then at that moment she tells me she loves me . I kissed her ever so softly and must have hugged her for about a full 2 minutes. I know that does sound like along time but all i can remember is how happy i was and that i did not want it to go away. I never felt a love like that in my life. When i ended the hug i kissed her again and told her how much i loved her and that i wanted to tell her sooner . {this was at 6 months into the relationship} Well for the next 2 1/2 months was cosmic . I have expressed my feelings to John & Cyn for introducing us and things could not have been better. This is where the story takes a very dramatic turn for me. I come home from work one night and i'm checking my answering machine and to my delight the honey invited me over for dinner. Kewl ...packed a bag and headed over to her house. Upon entering she did not look right to me so i figured she is still unwinding from work. Ya'know give the girl her space .I proceeded to the shower did my thing and greeted her in the kitchen and with some flowers i picked up for her. She had a very distant look on her face ...I asked what was wrong ...she stated "nothing" . In the back of my mind something is up and she's gonna bottle it up inside. I let her know i'm here if ya want talk about it. She thanked me but declined. The dinner was very tasteful but the enviroment was extremely fucking hostile. I'm the type of guy that if ya don't wanna talk ...no problem i'm not gonna pry into your head it only leads to bullshit spats. As the night grew on we watched a little telly before finally heading to sleep. We clean up and head for bed. I tuck her in wrap one of my legs around her and give her a soft goodnight kiss. {She was still in this nervous type of mood } I managed to fall asleep first cause when i rolled over i notice she was awake and crying. I jump out of bed to flick on the lights...I said in a calm voice "Baby what's wrong" ? Are you ready for this cause i wasn't ..." She says i can't do this anymore " I'm like what ?!! I thought my balls were gonna explode!! I was like why ?!! Please explain this to me? !! And the fucked up thing was she couldn't. I stood there with a blank look on my face saying No fucking way!! I thought i was dreaming ...i started to pinch my forearm for the hell of it...don't know why i just did. I'm an emotional guy I stood there and the tears rolled off my face like never before. I finally managed to muster the strengh and turn around. As i'm getting dressed i feel her hands on me telling me that she's sorry and that she LOVES ME!! I'm starting to lose composure now cause the tears are coming out of me like you wouldn't believe. I make it to the door but she is their first...she doesn't want me to leave saying come back to bed to late to walk home and all of that jazz. I just left and did not speak more than 25 words to her since i turned on the light. The first couple of days were the worst the pain... i remember breaking down in tears after a fellow worker said hello to me ....just hello. I couldn't even speak to him .Not that i did not want to but simply couldn't. Now after several weeks of getting back to my routine of work ,going to the gym and whatnot i kinda felt like my old self. Now with that said { i hope i'm not rambling...just wanna tell it like it is } my friend John & Cyn were to get married ...Cyn & "Kerri" are best friends hence she is going to be in the wedding party. I had to deal with it one way or another. On a sad note John's pop passed away the day before the wedding ceremony. He was ill for a while but started making excellent progress and we were hoping and thinking that he would be able to attend but it did not work out that way. Rest in Peace Hank All in all the wedding was a difficult day on many levels.I think everyone enjoyed the day to a certain extent. I actually spoke to Kerri 'cause she kept to herself the whole day and sat in the corner it was kinda sad. She agreed to dance {it was not a slow dance } . After that she went back to her corner ..it was weird but i threw it out of my head. The next day was the wake for Hank...it was a sad day . The day after was the funeral and the gang stayed together for the whole day and night eating & drinking. Later Kerri and i spoke ...she was concerned for me asking "how was i " type of conversation . I was ok . To make a long story a little bit shorter i ended up in bed with her. Spent the night { what an asshole i am!!!!} I wake up she is already up and kind of perky i might add so i continue to get dressed and manage to leave. Now as i'm leaving she gives me a kiss like she used too and tells ME not to be a stranger. I was like o.k. Cool i'm saying to myself ...ya'know we might try to make it work this time. That was the last time i ever saw her! We have no phone contact and she deletes any e-mail i send whether it's a joke or a "Hi how are you " type thing. She sends me an e-mail saying it's not good idea we do this anymore.Like before no reason for the sudden break. I'm more fucked up now than i was before!! I need some kind of explanation or closure for her behavior... I know you don't know me at all ....but to those who do know me take me for being an honest straight shooter type of guy. I still love her very much and she tells me the same but she is not involved in my life at all. Having trouble dealing with this... any input would be appreciated. Thanks Paulie