Dear Alcohol,
I thought I'd take a minute to discuss some troubling factors with you.
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours...your
many sides and dimensions are mind-boggling (different than beer goggling,
which I'll touch upon shortly.) Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there
when needed -- the perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and
you're even there around the holidays, with a touch of cinnamon, you warm
us even when stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately,
I've been wondering about your intentions. You see, I want to believe that
you've got my best interests in mind, but I feel that your influence has
led to unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important,I
question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity
occurs at 5 AM.
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, and though cooking is far from
my specialty, why you suggested that I eat mashed potatoes with
barbecue sauce coupled by a veggie corn dog and some stale corn chips (washeddown with cranberry juice and topped off with a Kit Kat) is beyond me.
Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went a bit too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me I need to do yoga
more to increase my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by
causing me to fall down the stairs. Completely unnecessary.
4. Spelling Bees: Reference point 1 (Phone Calls) above, but even if
calling 411 for Will Smith's number IS a grand idea, the fact that you temporarily suspended my ability to spell his name surely amused the
operator. Surprisingly enough, he didn't seem to be listed.
5. Pictures: This is a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the
last point below, but the following costumes are heretofore banned from
being placed on my head in public: Indian Wigs, Sombreros, Bows, Ties,
Boxes, upside-down cups, bras.
6. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most
likely do not. PLEASE do not request that I go over and see if in fact,
I do actually know that person. This is similar to the old "Hey, you're in my
class" syndrome circa 1996 at SU, and should heretofore be rendered
illegal. Coupled with this is the phrase "Let's Make Out." While I may be
thinking this, please reinstate the brain-mouth block that would keep this
thought from being a statement, especially in public.
Further, the subsequent hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a
little penance for our previous evenings' debauchery may be in order, but the 2pm
Hangover Immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that if the proper
steps are proactively taken on my part (i.e., water, vitamin B, bread
products, Advil) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen
with a bag of pretzels, the hangover to be quite minimal and no way
interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day, for that matter) activities. Come on now, it's only fair -- you do your part, I'll do mine.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our relationship for some years now, and want to
ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when
we just don't know what to do with the extra dollars in our pockets. In
order to continue this relationship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no
later than Thursday at 5pm (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions and
hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership. Thank you for your
prompt attention to these matters.
Sincerely - your biggest fan Paulie O
I thought I'd take a minute to discuss some troubling factors with you.
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours...your
many sides and dimensions are mind-boggling (different than beer goggling,
which I'll touch upon shortly.) Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there
when needed -- the perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and
you're even there around the holidays, with a touch of cinnamon, you warm
us even when stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately,
I've been wondering about your intentions. You see, I want to believe that
you've got my best interests in mind, but I feel that your influence has
led to unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important,I
question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity
occurs at 5 AM.
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, and though cooking is far from
my specialty, why you suggested that I eat mashed potatoes with
barbecue sauce coupled by a veggie corn dog and some stale corn chips (washeddown with cranberry juice and topped off with a Kit Kat) is beyond me.
Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went a bit too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me I need to do yoga
more to increase my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by
causing me to fall down the stairs. Completely unnecessary.
4. Spelling Bees: Reference point 1 (Phone Calls) above, but even if
calling 411 for Will Smith's number IS a grand idea, the fact that you temporarily suspended my ability to spell his name surely amused the
operator. Surprisingly enough, he didn't seem to be listed.
5. Pictures: This is a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the
last point below, but the following costumes are heretofore banned from
being placed on my head in public: Indian Wigs, Sombreros, Bows, Ties,
Boxes, upside-down cups, bras.
6. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most
likely do not. PLEASE do not request that I go over and see if in fact,
I do actually know that person. This is similar to the old "Hey, you're in my
class" syndrome circa 1996 at SU, and should heretofore be rendered
illegal. Coupled with this is the phrase "Let's Make Out." While I may be
thinking this, please reinstate the brain-mouth block that would keep this
thought from being a statement, especially in public.
Further, the subsequent hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a
little penance for our previous evenings' debauchery may be in order, but the 2pm
Hangover Immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that if the proper
steps are proactively taken on my part (i.e., water, vitamin B, bread
products, Advil) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen
with a bag of pretzels, the hangover to be quite minimal and no way
interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day, for that matter) activities. Come on now, it's only fair -- you do your part, I'll do mine.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our relationship for some years now, and want to
ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when
we just don't know what to do with the extra dollars in our pockets. In
order to continue this relationship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no
later than Thursday at 5pm (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions and
hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership. Thank you for your
prompt attention to these matters.
Sincerely - your biggest fan Paulie O
I've been a hard drinker for many a year,
And I always fall over on ten pints of beer,
So now when I drink, I sit on the floor,
And I never will risk falling over no more.
chorus: And it's no, nay, never,
No, nay, never, no more,
Will I drink and fall over,
No never, no more.
I went to a bar that I used to frequent,
Despite having sworn that I'd give up for Lent,
I asked for two pints, but the barman said "Nay!
You'll only fall over like you did yesterday."
I'll pulled from my pocket two shiny gold pounds,
And I managed to do it without falling down,
The barman said "Sir, please choose from this list,
And I'm sorry if just now I thought you were pissed".
I think that I'll stick now to stiff drinks and shorts,
Like whiskey and ponche and pernods and ports,
Cut down on the volume of all that I drink,
Then at least when I throw up I won't block the sink.
I'll go back to my girlfriend, confess what I've done,
And if she should hit me I won't turn and run,
I'll promise to give up... but if I should fail...
I'll see you next Thursday for ten pints of ale
if we're gonna do lengthy poems about it.. may i submit one from my fav poet.. shel silverstein:
DRINKIN' FROM THE BOTTLE
Drinkin from the bottle and singin from the heart,
Cryin blues in motel rooms,
Lord, the hard times werent that hard.
And some fell in, and some fell out and some just fell apart,
Drinkin from the bottle and singin from the heart.
Harlan sing us "Heartaches By the Number", one more time.
Johnny tell us how that woman helped you walk the line.
Willie sing us "Hello Walls", cuz we all know our parts.
(hello hello)
Been drinkin from the bottle and singin from the heart.
That blonde there, sittin on the floor,
My sad song made her cry,
I think she caught my zipper,
Bout the time I caught her eye.
For she can take my body home
But whos gonna drive the car?
We been drinkin from the bottle and singin from the heart.
Drinkin from the bottle and singin from the heart.
Cryin blues in motel rooms,
Lord, the hard times werent that hard.
Some fell in, and some fell out and some just fell apart.
Drinkin from the bottle and singin from the heart.
Now I sip my Chevis, from a fancy crystal glass,
A young, ambitious, eight-piece hot band,
A-pushin at my ass.
Well, I was singin for the money,
I think back to the start,
When we were drinkin from the bottle and singin from the heart.
So lets start drinkin from the bottle, singin from the heart,
Cryin blues in motel rooms,
Lord, the hard times werent that hard.
Some fell in, and some fell out and some just fell apart.
Drinkin from the bottle and singin from the heart.
Drinkin from the bottle and singin from the heart.