Whoops.

Okay, so a lot of time has come and gone since I last posted. Well, not a lot in the grand scheme of things. The world is millions upon millions of years old, and this was only like a month. It feels like it has been a long time though, because I am not stretching my writing muscles, not opening the flood gate of words that is dammed up in my head.

That probably sounds weird, but I can honestly feel the sensation of words building up in my head, and then sometimes when I talk, they get jumbled on the way out. The jumbling lets me know that I am not doing enough to aid them, and it also slightly embarrasses me when I get tongue tied for no good reason. I figure that is just the words making a rush when they see the exit opening up, so I don’t feel too bad about it.

At the same time that I have been not writing, I have been not doing other things as well. Or at least I have been not fully not doing things.

Some of you may have read that and thought “that’s not grammatically correct” and you’re right, it’s not, but this is my blog and my rules, so I write what I please.

I don’t write lists, but I always have a running idea of what I need to be doing, and what the importance of it is.

I should be reading more.

I should watch those shows I have been meaning to.

I should be outside more.

I should watch that movie I was looking forward to.

I should be writing every day.

I should clean this room.

I should exercise.

I should…

Inevitably some of that turns into I will do this, but I am still aware of what I should be doing. The kicker is, none of the things that I should be doing, are things that I have to be doing.

I realized that the other day, I realized that I don’t have anything that I have to be doing right now. I have been done with college for a few years now, so that is off the docket. I paid off my student loans this year, so I am not working towards those. I don’t have deadlines with my job, so there isn’t anything work related I have to do. It is interesting to realize something like that, it allowed me to relax a little and be less harsh on myself, but it also showed me that I should be looking for something that I have and want to work towards.

I do not think that I am wasting any of my time currently, nor do I think that I am wasting my potential, but I do think that there are some changes that need to be made.

I was reflecting the other day on the choices I make, which ones make sense with the life I want to live and which ones don’t. I can see what adjustments I should make, and I can see what I will have to reteach myself, but they are good things to do. I believe that.

My shoulds are becoming wills, and they are doing it at my pace. Ask my parents, or anyone that knows me well, and they will tell you that I have always had my own schedule when it comes to things I want to get done, and things I say I will get done. I do the things, but it could be slowly or quickly, you and I never know what it will be.

I don’t know if it is the sun being out, the forth coming vacation, or just much needed adjustments, but whatever it is, I like where my head is these days. My thoughts feel like they are clearer, and I am feeling optimistic about things as well.

The last time I felt like this, I made some really good decisions and changes in my life, unfortunately I didn’t choose to learn lessons from them, and some things returned to what they once were, such as my weight. This time though, I am more cognizant of the big picture, and I am making decisions to mirror that vision.

I WILL be writing more, and hopefully you won’t mind reading it.