Not all men?
It has been over a week since a young man decided to go on a shooting spree, all because the women he wanted, wouldn’t give him the time of day. A 22 year old man decided that he was tired of being the nice guy, and that he would go ahead and go after the sluts (his words) that had passed him over all these years.
I have waited this long because I wanted to see how it might play out, but also because I wanted to see what reactions would be, to get a feel for it all. There have been two ends of the spectrum for this, one being the #YesAllWomen stories and tweets coming from women around the world, the other is the #NotAllMen tweets and diatribes. The women’s stories being presented are heartbreaking and eye opening. The men that decide they have to defend themselves instantly are creating different feelings for many people, including me.
I have read blogs addressing this subject, and I am aware of the backlash they are getting, that backlash is misogynistic, ill informed, and even full of rage. I get why men feel defensive when it comes to subject matter like this, I get why they say it is Not All Men, but it is enough men. It is enough men that feel like that young shooter, that they deserve something from women. It is enough men thinking this way, that Yes All Women needs to exist, and it is times like these that we need to sit back and listen.
As I drove to the lake last week I thought about a young man that had posted a video to Youtube, declaring himself to be a great guy, but somehow he had never been kissed, never had sex, and because of this he was going to go to a sorority and kill the women that had not given him the time of day. I was driving my pickup, listening to music, enjoying the countryside as I drove, but I was also cussing up a storm as I went over this subject in my head and out loud.
The thing of it is, no person is ever owed anything, especially when it comes to anything sexual. We all deserve love, but we are not owed it.
This young man also did one of the things I really hate to see happen, he did the instant flip. The instant flip is something I would see when I was working at the bar all those years ago. This is when a guy will approach a woman, get turned down, and suddenly declare said woman to be a bitch, or ugly, or anything negative really. I never saw the logic of this, I understood the hurt ego of it, but the math did not add up for me. You just found this woman attractive enough to approach, but then suddenly she is horrible simply because she said no.
People of the world are allowed to say no.
I kept driving, kept hashing out the ideas in my head, how I would address them here, and whether I would just cuss from start to finish, and then I started to wonder about the other side of things. I started to wonder what it must be like to deal with this kind of attention on an every day basis, what it must be like for a woman in this world. The thing about subjects like this, is that I can’t understand the other side, and a lot of that is because I just cannot fathom what it must be like to deal with this.
Neil Gaiman said it very well on Twitter when he said the following. “The #YesAllWomen hashtag is filled with hard, true, sad and angry things. I can empathize & try to understand & know I never entirely will.” Like Mr. Gaiman, I realize that I can feel for women going through this type of situation, that I can feel anger at men that will put them through this, but I can never understand what women feel. As I reflected on that, two situations from my past came to mind.
The first was something that happened after I had first moved to Grand Forks to attend the University of North Dakota. There I was, a small town boy, in a bigger city, getting used to all the changes and differences. One night a group of us were walking around campus, we were a mixed group, and I can’t recall if we had had a few drinks or not, but we were just out for a stroll enjoying the night. We walked through an underpass and neared one of the dorms, when a young lady walked our direction. I was feeling happy and enjoying life, so when she neared, I said hi loudly to her. I don’t recall if I said more, but she didn’t say anything and just hurried on. I was kind of surprised she hadn’t said hi back, and then a friend of mine told me not to do that. Of course I was butt hurt about the situation because I was just trying to be friendly, I was just trying to say hi, that was all. Then he said “well yeah, but she doesn’t know that” and he explained a bit more.
You see, I am a big guy, which can be intimidating, though I would never think of myself that way. I can be loud as hell, especially if I have had a few drinks, and that can throw a person off as well. I thought about it, and I saw what he meant. That young woman had no idea what I was trying to do, or if I was going to do more than just say hi. Somewhere in that woman’s life she had more than likely dealt with unwanted advances from someone who played it off as them just being nice. That young lady put her head down and hurried along, hoping for the best. I imagine that she did get the best outcome for her, but to me it was something completely out of the ordinary.
I came from a small town where you said hi to people, and they smiled and said it back, but that was because we basically knew everybody here on some level. I had to become aware that not every situation I see as completely innocent will be seen the same by someone of the opposite sex. I might not be one of the guys that will cause that kind of situation or feeling, but she had to think of me that way for her own good and safety. That is something I will never fully understand, because I will never feel it.
The second thing that came to mind when I was thinking about what Mr. Gaiman said, was something a close friend had said to me a few years back. One of my best friends is a woman I have known for a while now, and on a couple occasions she had gotten almost as drunk as I was known to be on occasion. It seemed a bit out of character that she was that drunk, so I asked her about it. She told me that she felt safe with me, that she knew nothing bad would happen if she was out with me, so she could let loose, and sometimes that got the better of her. I was honored by that statement, of course, but it made me think as well.
I would go out with my friends, and if I felt like getting really drunk, I could. I could get hammered, and the worst that would happen to me is a really bad hangover. A woman cannot go out and experience the freedom that a man can, because she has to pay close attention to what she is drinking, and how much she is drinking. A woman has to wonder about the person buying her drinks, what his motive might be, things of that nature. A man just has to drink what is placed in front of him, and hope it doesn’t taste horrible.
I will never have that voice in the back of my head warning me about what I am drinking. I will always feel that comfort level because it just is that way for me. To have a friend tell you that they know they are safe with you, and that allows them to relax to the level that you always are at, well it is kind of a shock. It is a shock because I would have never even thought of that, which in and of itself is a very glaring thing.
The Yes All Women hashtag needed to exist so that this information can be talked about and seen. This hashtag needs to be there so that someone will have their eyes opened like I did by the previous two instances. Yes All Women is a good thing, and not something that should be railed against.
Yes, there are plenty of men issues that can be brought up and looked at, but I think the Men’s Rights Activists are going about it all wrong. The worst of them take us back at least four steps every time they go off on a tangent. A great deal of Men’s Rights Activists are overly misogynistic and hateful, and this will never do anything for society as a whole.
There is a time and place for things to be discussed and looked upon, right now is the time for women to talk about what society makes them deal with, the place is the internet and other news sources.
Women deserve a voice.
Sometimes us men need to shut up and listen to it.
