the_matt79

A Cart of Lemons?

When life hands you a cart of lemons that you then place in front of the horse, who do you make lemonade for?

Lately I have been finding that I when life is handing me lemons, I put the cart in front of the horse, and I am not excited about that.

Life, love, work, just in general, if I am handed lemons, or I see lemons off in the future, I get that cart out, and put it in front of that horse.

I am not a fan of living like this, but I seem to be able to keep it to initial reactions, which is nice in a way. Although my initial reactions can last for a few hours, and can include me dwelling on things and trying to figure them out by seeing if I can read into them. Thats the part that isnt as much fun for me, and possibly those around me.

I dont know where exactly I got it from, and I dont know if everyone does it, but I tend to see a possible bad thing down the road, and immediately I relate that to the current situation. I know in the past I have avoided things and people when I could see that possibility out there. It really isnt fair to myself, and to anyone else that might be involved, but damned if I dont do it.

I am, however, getting better.

You see, if you notice you are doing something, you can start to look at why you are. Right now, its fear, and self preservation. The thing is, what I fear, it wont kill me, it literally cannot kill me. That takes self preservation out of the mix, as I will be alive after all is said and done, so it just leaves fear. Fear is a big one though.

The crazy thing about it is that there are so many possibilities out there, and a vast majority of them are good, but that fear thing sneaks in there. It tip toes in and then it shines a blinding light on the possible bad things that could happen, drawing your focus to only that which scares you. I think this feeds it, makes it stronger, and thats what it wants. The strength you give it, makes its voice louder, its words gain heft, and your will is slowly bent.

Fear doesnt want you to live. Fear doesnt want you to take chances. Fear wants you to sit on your ass at home, hoping that the best things out there will magically show up at your front door. Fear doesnt want you to know that the world doesnt work that way.

There have been things in my life that I have faced the fear of, going away to college, going to grad school, things of that nature, and I am definitely better for having done that. Now it is time to face a new batch of fears, and to make myself look away from the negative possibilities. I just got my eyes checked, so my sight is better than ever, I just have to strengthen my neck muscles so I can turn away from the negatives ahead, and see the positives.

Most of all, I have to throw all that aside, and just live now. I cant always fear the future, because the future is not guaranteed. There are tragedies and illnesses out there that can cut that future down, and youre just left with the now. Right now, I am pretty happy, and I am excited about possibilities, so I am going to go ahead and teach myself how to look at just that. I am going to teach myself to ask questions when I am unsure, rather than think I know what is going on. I am going to teach myself to just be confident about the now, and let the future sort itself out.

I know that sounds like a large order to take on, but I am pretty damn stubborn, and definitely persistent, so I will succeed.

So as you finish reading this, go ahead and picture me riding a cart, horse hooked up in the front, and I am drinking a cool glass of lemonade, smiling and waving as I drive past you