the_matt79

Another day older and...

...deeper in debt? Nah, that's something I actually have a pretty good handle on, so that's something.

As some of you may have noticed, I had a birthday last week, and I found myself thinking a lot as the day approached and then passed. The number itself doesn't bother me, never has really. I know how I act, I know how I feel, and so I don't really worry about how old I am...but I do think about what I have and haven't done. Somewhere in my 34 years, I have picked up ideas that I should have done some things by now, and accomplished others along the way. Sometimes thinking about this over shadows what I have done, and what I have accomplished, and I get slightly irritated with myself for focusing on the things missing, when the things present are what I should look at.
So what haven't I done?

Found the right girl, settled down and had a family. When are you supposed to do that by? Should I put a timeline on it, and if I haven't done it by then, call it a day and fade away into bachelorhood? Wow, that sounds so much better than winding up a spinster, why do women get the short end of that stick? Anyway, yeah, I want to be a dad, I want to have a family, and I don't want to be the old dad that can't do stuff with his kid, so I guess that date is getting closer, but I'm not scared or anything. No, I will let this play out too. If I can convince myself to take better care of myself, then I can still be an active dad for any kids I have. So, no need to worry about this one as far as I can see.

Found my career, excelled at a vocation, and loved going off to work. Nope, haven't done that yet. I went to college with the idea that I would take classes that interested me, and challenged me. I did that, I got my degrees, I feel good about that, but there's something missing. Will I get to use my Anthropology degrees, will I find that museum out there that I have always dreamed of working in? I don't know, but I also know that I am open to all manners of job opportunities. Hell, I never figured I would work for the railroad, wasn't ever sure I would like it, but I had a need for a decent job, and so I started there. Over six years later I have paid down my student loans significantly, I have purchased a pickup, have investments and savings, and I know that I am not going to be shackled by these debts in the near future, not like I would have been if the last six plus years didn't exist. Maybe I become a practicing Anthropologist, maybe I don't, but I still love everything that went into my education. Maybe I will try something new, and maybe I won't like it, but I know I am capable of finding a job out there that will challenge me in a way that I love, and I do not doubt my ability to pay my way through this life of mine. So, yeah, I'm good here too.

What else "should I have done by now"? Well, the more I thought about it, the more I realized I shouldn't think about it. I shouldn't dwell on what I haven't done, what I haven't learned, what I haven't pursued, because that won't help me move forward. A lot of the time I will say, I ain't dead yet, in jest, but I know that isn't the way to push yourself forward either. I say it because I want to tell myself that there is still time, but I know I let myself use it as a procrastination technique, because I have a lot of those, but I don't always use it like that. That's probably why I allow myself to go back to that saying when I know I should be doing something more productive, or at least more productive sounding. I will let you know when I figure that one out.

So I chose to think about something much more pertinent to my actual dilemma...what was I going to read? I told myself to clear off what I had in my currently reading category on www.GoodReads.com but after that, what was I going to do? After much hemming and hawing, I decided that this year will be predominantly classics, and non-fiction. I will mix in the modern day bit of fiction here and there because there is too much greatness to ignore it for a whole year, but the plan is pretty steadfast otherwise.

I have been watching a lot of documentaries on Netflix Instant, and they have been making me think, making me reflect, and that's why I want to read the non-fiction. I want to read biographies and learn about people, I want to read things that make me think, that make me ask questions, that challenge me to do more than just devour the words between the covers as I am wont to do sometimes. So there will be some philosophy, some theory, some biography, interviews, essays, these are the type of things that will fit under my non-fiction umbrella.

I decided to go with the classics because I want to see what I can learn from them. I have read many authors say that if you want to write, you have to read, and I believe that is true. That being a truth I believe, I want to read more of the classics so that maybe I can see what there is to them that sustains them from one generation to the next. I truly doubt that they stay on their pedestals merely because schools teach them, or that we are told they should have that lofty position, so let's see if my brain will find the things that keep them there. I think that will be a fun exercise for me to take on, and who can argue with reading classic literature, nobody, that's who!

This type of reading is something that will help me with my writing, and the dream of pursuing that, I believe this to be true. Maybe you'll see the effects of it, here in this blog. Maybe my voice will take on a new form, which I doubt, but it might hone it a bit. Maybe my vocabulary will grow, which I would not be mad about, not even a little bit. Maybe I will just be entertained for twelve months, and if so, that's fine with me.

So what does all this mean, what are these ramblings telling you?

I am going to be fine, I have a long ride on this planet ahead of me. I won't fault myself for not doing some things or accomplishing others. I will continue to pursue the dream that I set before me, and I will enjoy that pursuit. I am going to constantly learn about this world, and about myself. I am going to challenge myself in ways that others can't, simply because they can't see what is going on in this head of mine. I am going to open myself up to this world I live in, the people that share it with me, and the words that have been written down. I am going to write my own, I am going to embrace those that welcome me into their lives, and I am going to let this world show me wonders I didn't know I would be capable of seeing.

I am 34, and I am fine.