the_matt79

No Idea

This wont be my usual kind of post, because right now I am not in my usual state of mind.

I am having one of those nights where I dont know how to articulate anything, and for someone that talks a lot, thats kind of a big deal.

I dont know if it appears like I know what I am doing, but more often than not, I dont. What I do instead is I have a general idea of things. I know that my life should be about at point C or D about now, but I have no idea what point I am actually at, probably point 3. See what I did there, I used a different point describer, and why did I do thatbecause no one knows where they should be at any given point in life.

How can I say that? Easy, I typed the words, so I said itbut seriously I said it because I think trying to pin point when we do things in life, is how we drive ourselves crazy. Yeah, we grow up and we have a general idea of where we should be and at what point we should be there, but none of that is set in stone and none of it ever will be. Tonight I lost track of that and I let myself spiral a bit, this is not something I would suggest you do. Yeah, not fun. haha

But the thing of it is, I am moving in the right direction, and as much as I can put myself in a spiral, I can climb out of it as well. If I want to sit here and think of the things that I dont like or that I think I am not trying hard enough to achieve, well yeah, there I go into the wrong head space. After some talking and some thinking I can see what I should be looking at, and some of the things appear in both, they just show different sides.

I think that is really what most of this comes down to, which side of things you look at. Tonight I was not looking at the right side of it, but at the same time, it allows me to get perspective. I wouldnt say that you need to get in a bad head space every time you want to find perspective, but I do know more of where I want to point my efforts because of what I thought tonight.

Hell, I had envisioned this blog to be something completely different than what it is currently turning into.

I dont look at the fears I have about life very often, and because of this, when I do, it gets a little overwhelming quickly. I fear making changes. I fear failing once I have made those changes. I fear that I might build something up to big in my head and that it wont live up to that. I fear that I will miss out on something because I am not on the right path.

You know what those fears have in common, the fact that they are common fears we all feel in our lives at some point in time and on some level. They arent unfathomable fears, and because of this, they can shake us more than others. I will address them however.

Change is something I have to make in my life, because I have done as much as I can with where and who I am right now. I dont plan large changes in who I am, but I know it is time to try a new situation on for size and see how I can cope and thrive when I do. These is change worth making, and so I shall.

Failure is always a possibility, and that is unavoidable, but it doesnt have to be the thing you focus on. I plan on making some rather big changes in my life, and I know I might fail once I make them, but I also know that it is worth it, and that I will learn from any failures I encounter, but I also know that I am strong enough to weather any failures I encounter. I have been living a life that I am proud of, and there have been failures in it, but they havent been anything that I couldnt pick myself up from and in turn dust them off. I plan on living a long life, and I know there will be failures in that time, and I am okay with that.

Building things up in your head, thats a slippery slope that can be one that we encounter. We want something so much that we turn it into something that it isnt, and when we get it, it cant possibly match up. This is when our minds fight us, and it is one of those things that can show us what we truly want in our life. There is a reason you are building that thing up in your mind, and that is how this can actually be turned into a tool for us to use. Maybe you built up that situation or that relationship up in your head, and then it wasnt what you thought it would bewell that sucks, but it does show you that you want that situation in your life, that you want that kind of relationship. Then this building of things can be turned from a fear into a tool, something that we can learn from and move on from.

The fear of missing out on something, this is a tough one. On one hand you can have this fear come into your life and you deal with it by trying to do everything. Whether that be work commitments, social interactions, learning opportunities, or really anything that you fear missing out on. Once you say yes to everything that comes along, you start to stretch yourself thin, you run the risk of being exhausted, these are some of the downfalls of missing out on things. On the flip side of it you might fear missing out on getting everything you can from one specific thing, and then you run the risk of missing out on so many other things, even though you are getting everything you can from that one specific thing. So what do you do with this one? For me, it took a while, but I learned that things I missed out on, werent really missed out on. What I mean is that I have done the things in my life that I wanted to do, and because of that I have become who I am, and I like that guy. So yeah, I missed out on some things, but did I really miss out? No.

I didnt really see myself walking away from writing this, with a clear head, but I definitely have. Talking to someone that understands me as I was starting it definitely headed me in the right direction. I almost avoided that talk, but when someone throws you a rope, a life preserver, a means of climbing out, you take it dammit, you always take it. You might want to be stubborn and wallow, but you shouldnt, so dont.

Easier said than done? Sure.

Is it wrong? No.

Hopefully you know what I mean as I ramble on through this, as this blog is as much for you as it for me.