the_happy_pig

'What do you want?'

That's a question that's been asked of me a lot recently. Not in the material sense of the word either. And, it has to be the hardest question I've ever been asked.

Now as I'm sure you may be aware, I've not been on a particularly good one for most of my time on the site. To be frank here, my life fell into very tiny pieces when I joined, and it's only recently that I've been able to start making headway into picking them back up. I've made a lot of progress into what's been going on, and I've made some massive leaps in some areas, but maybe steps backwards in others. It's taken me quite a while to get where I am now.

But the question remains.

And I have no idea how to answer it. I've spent a large part of my life being dictated to as to what I should do/be. And now I'm here, no one's dictating, and I've had some time to adjust to being on my own. But this 'adjustment' has had some scary effects. I now have to sit down, and figure out exactly what it is that I want.

And I'm drawing a big blank.

I've never really thought about what I want. As I said, it's generally been dictated to me. Or I've lost myself in someone else's life. No, not meddling or anything like that, my ex was (still is as far as I'm aware) studying for a PhD, which caused so many problems in her life that I just got wrapped up in what was going on with her so that I didn't have to think about what was going on with me. The girlfriend prior, well, she was something completely different. She had personality problems beyond the dreams of psychotherapists. She demanded a lot of attention, of which I was only too happy to oblige.

But here I am now. I used to have that intrinsic bloke streak, you know the one, the one where to protect yourself, you hide your feelings, so that no one will ever know how you feel because after all, showing someone your feelings is basically giving them some form of ammunition isn't it? It got to the point that even my feelings were being dictated to me by someone else. Well, that's kind of changed now. I've been able to stick up for myself, and actually try to confront what's going on inside me. But, what the hell do you do with these feelings now you know you have them?

So, what do I want? I have no fucking idea. I guess I want what everyone else wants, to be happy. But is that too broad an answer? Should I want specifics? I've tried a number of 'lifestyles' I suppose, I've lived on the streets heavily involved in drugs, lived with a girl who I nearly got married to and bought a house, and I lived in a fantasticly nice place, with a great girl, had a good job and the car I always wanted to own, Sky TV and soft furnishings, the whole deal. None of that lot worked.

So what do I want? A million pounds? Financial freedom? Someone to fill my empty life with? Children? A dog? A cheeseburger?

Fuck, it's a hard one.

The one thing I know I really want is to be able to look in the mirror and like the guy that's stood there looking back at me.

I'm trying, harder than you probably realise.

So then, what do you want?