the_baron

IT damn right??? I guess im not quite awake yet. Anyways, are you still coming by yourself, or are you bringing someone?

that was such a great comment.

some notes, in response (blah blah blah):

i love that you know the two verses of the tigger song. tiggers ARE wonderful things.

saturday was definitely good times. i will never cease to be amazed at the way interaction between people is so affective
(and i DO mean affective with an A)

this person insists on assuring me that he has little to do with changes i have recently experienced within myself... i wish he would realize that it isn't true. the degrees to which i have changed could not have been as they are without his involvement.
similarly, i'm not saying that your saturday night would have been better or worse had the company/circumstances been different, but they would not have been the same.
and that goes for me, too.
thank you, j.


i don't have lots of drama in my life, really. it's something i try to stand back from, to look at from the outside, difficult as it may be to do so.
perhaps i only say i don't have any is because there was recently a time when i really DID feel completely surrounded by "drama", but perception plays a huge role there - do we think it's a big deal? do we really CREATE this drama ourselves with the fear and our reactions and all that.
we are each responsible for our own response.

i don't wish i were back in high-school, and if i didn't have such strength against regret i would wish i could've done better with that school career - we discussed this...
but yeah - high school is in the past.

i totally agree with you about all the things we have to work on and relationships, etc.
i don't think it will ever end. we really will always have work to do. why do we let that inhibit our opportunities for further expansion?
you push to the top of a hill and the view reveals mountains on the horizon. isn't it nice to have someone to talk to while you sweat your way up and skip down to the next beginning?

(?) did i ever give you this quote:
"To fall in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult, our human loneliness is cause enough. But it is a hard quest worth making to find a comrade through whose steady presence one becomes steadily the person one desires to be." ~ Anna Louise Strona

with any relationship, with ourselves, with our friends, with our lovers, it is important to remain 'conscious' and 'aware' and 'forgiving',
among other things.

we live, we learn, we grow, we get better... we love if we're lucky.
i feel truly blessed.


fear and dreams always collide.
when we have something like "a dream" or "a fantasy" the idea of not attaining it is somewhat fearful, wouldn't you say?
so, (as you DID say)... in order to even step in that direction, we must confront, conquer our fear.
something i try to remind myself of is that dreams evolve with us as human beings...
i may get so far in one direction, conquer the fear (which may be the lesson itself, who's to say) and consequently change my mind... my dream may develop differently based on smaller accomplishments, adjustments i make along the way. i will sometime get a better grip on the boulder.

sometimes i think that perhaps my fantasies are only consolations in the first place.
but i try so hard to remain in this moment - in each "now"... they say it's where god lives.

the things i was taught from a young age seem contradictory to me. reconciling them is growing more and more difficult on one hand, and simpler on the other.
if i encounter something that frightens me i am inclined to just adapt...
the fear is what scares me the most because, in my opinion, it is the opposite of free... which is also contradictory because we can find so much freedom in confronting our fear and because the acknowledgement of fear's power is a yoke in and of itself.
bleh.

think about the way we sacrifice - think about how "for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction"... think about that where in regards to risk and accomplishment.
we get what we give, ya think?
sometimes i feel jaded and decidedly DON'T think i get what i give, but i'm just kidding myself and being selfish.

we are all human. we suffer that same condition.

we gain in losing, though, j.
"failure is the mother of success"

i told someone recently, regarding attitude, that the more i lose, the more i realize what i have and relish it.

the rug is pulled from beneath us and we develop a better relationship with the floor... nothing would stand without our foundation and when all is lost, we have at least the one thing, the ONE.

(crikey, i'm getting all philo ...)

mmm, but there's this poem by rumi that i posted in someone's journal a few weeks ago...
one of the last lines says something like "oh, sweet bitterness, i too have been covered in thorns"

you said: "The idea is growing in my mind but isn't complete yet."
(?)can i just add: never expect it to be complete

i'm not a writer, so i can't answer your question.
maybe it's a bit of both?... maybe he writes for himself and for others. it's communication. it's cathartic. it's entertaining. it's like many things.
kahlil gibran is where i pulled that quote i had on saturday : you speak when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts
perhaps it's why we write.
i don't know.

your IGFs remind me of something like pandora's box, but i'm not familiar enough with the mythology to back it up.

but the word, the word "love"... it just isn't enough. in fact, sometimes i feel like it's benign.
maybe many women are like me in that we busy and worry ourselves SO much with love ... and really(at the heart of the matter), it's no trouble. heh.

we overdo so much so much.
isn't it funny? sad, but amusing.
there seems to be this see-saw power-struggle something-or-other that goes on between people engaged in a relationship where we depend on each other. we can't do it all alone.
which maybe is why i find that quote up there about a comrade so amazing - because really, i think we just want to be with our best friends forever, you know?
that love that endures ... that unconditional acceptance and individual honor?
i don't know what i'm talking about... i'm in the same place you are, man. with miles to go before i sleep and all that. i think i know something but i really just can't tell because it isn't all about me.


having a commitment like marriage disintegrate is so painful.
i watched my mother go through relationships like crazy... and obviously the relationships i've been in before have failed (but what did we say about failure)
i'm just tired of the pattern, you know?
i thought such a thing was guaranteed when i was a young girl listening to fairy tales. somewhere inside me that little girl still exists, she wants to be a princess, but as an adult i'd rather never be married than to break a family that would be stronger mended - even if i do want the 'happily ever after' - honestly, there will be lots of sadness. i don't think marrying someone will "complete me". spending your life with someone is a CHOICE - back to that "conscious, aware, forgiveness" thing.
of course, i haven't been there yet, and i can't say my mother ever did the wrong thing, or that my father did, or that all the hundreds of other people i've met who have chosen to reneg their vows haven't done what's been in their best interests.
still - working to heal from so many broken relationships, accepting the growth however tiring it may be, moving ON,
... shit ... i lost that thought - it was a big one.
something about how it's worth it, right?

the thing about "forever love" is that, in my humble opinion, love IS forever. to quote many sources, it's stronger than pride, stronger than death, stronger than ... anything. it does not fail.
it's why i truly believe in that "home is where the heart is"... it's why i'm "always coming home" and "always in love".
i don't believe that love is ever the wrong reason to do something but then i think about how love isn't always reasonable... and then i throw other individuals into the equation and am reminded that i can only be responsible for myself - and that those other people probably have the same opinion.
and it's how hurt gets involved. haha!
but we get through it. invincible as long as we're alive


we take it upon ourselves to respond to situations in ways that are open and (hopefully) healthy, keeping in mind what we know about change - it is the only constant.


i don't like chocolate enough to be content with it.
but love is still under all the everything-else, if it's real.


i'm not making any sense.
oy.



yeesh, we leave long notes

and words don't work.


*edited to complete some short thoughts and correct my anal ass typing. *



[Edited on May 18, 2004 2:42PM]