the_baron

Okay, so I lied, sue me!

I swore to myself that I would never regret anything. Yet now I find myself faced with a dilemma. Yesterday, April 15th. Ten years ago on that day my grandfather passed away. He had Shy Dragers Disease, an advanced form of parkinsons that kills within 4-6 years. We could see almost on a daily basis sometimes the degredation as it took place. I remember when it was first diagnosed, he wasn't that bad, he still went to the grocery store everyday, still drove around and did meals on wheels. He still took us golfing, and to six flags. And fishing, I always loved going fishing with him. I haven't been fishing since. It's kind of hard to do it with him not there. But then eventually he had a hard time walking, his body was wracked with constanst shaking. It became harder and harder for him to voice his words, and before long he couldn't even write.

I remember one of the last conversation I had with him, it was about a week before he died. He took me to the colset in the hall, and he reached up into the top of the closet and pulled out his pair of golf shoes. He had gotten them recently and only worn them once or twice. He pulled them out of the little grey tom thumb bag they were in, and handed them to me, he said, "I want you to have these, I won't be able to use them anymore." I took them but shook my head, I said "It's alright grandaddy, you'll still go golfing again, it'll be okay."

So lately I've been reading this book, tuesday's with Morrie. In the book, this guys old college professor is dying, and he's attending his last "classes" They talk about life, living, death. Morrie tells him, I know I'm dying, I accept that, but I am not giving up, I'm going to live what's left the best I can. I see my grandfather in him alot. Even up to the end my grandfather refused to give up. I really admier him for that. I now though that I handled things differently. I never really told him how much I loved him, and how truly inspiring to me he was. He was perhaps the greatest role model that I have ever had, and to this day, I still make alot of my decisions, by asking myself what would granddaddy have done? I wish I could have accepted his death. Been upfront with him about it, and helped him truly enjoy the last of his life instead of trying to shelter both him and myself from what he knew was inevitable and coming soon, and what I just couldn't accept. Now I am stuck with these feelings, I don't want to just discard them, say that I can't regret it because it's the way it happened, but I don't want to be left regretting those moments, because I knew he wouldn't, and I know he wouldn't hodl it against me.

He was hte most loving, kind, and gentle man that ever lived I think. He served in the US Army, and because a full bird colonel. He was loved by all his troops, from lieutenants, to privates. He served two tours in vietnam, though he never spoke of what happened there. We know he used agent orange, because it was the chemical responsible for him developing parkinsons. When he retired he did alot of charity work, he did meals on wheels, and he continued to do it when he could no longer walk. He always did everything he could for us. and always helped out anyone who needed any help.

The morning he died, I was getting ready for a state competition for Latin down in San Antonio. My grandmother woke us up at 6:00 to tell us to get up and watch out the front door the ambulance and firetruck were on the way. They pronounced him dead on the spot. His time of death was about 12:30. At night he used to stop breathing for a couple minutes at a time, but then it would just start up again, and he would be okay again. But this time he stopped breathing, and never started again.

I left that morning on the latin trip and ended up placing in one of the competitions. It didn't sink in at first. A week or so went by, and there didn't seem to be much difference. But then we left, and we drive back to Alabama for the funeral. It was one of the longest trips of my life. When we went to the funeral all of my extended family wa there, all of his brothers and sisters. Their children. And the army. There was a general there who had worked with him to give the funeral proceedings, and a full military band. This is the part I remember most of all. There was one lone trumpet, and 7 soldiers with guns. He played taps, and the soldiers fired their 21 gun salute, and then they lowered the American flag. It was then Irealized he was gone, and I cried. For a very long time. I'm crying right now just writing about it.

I can still feel those shots as they echo through the silent cold early morning air. And the crystal clear sound of that trumpet. When it was over with the general came over, and shook my hand and gave me a hug. he told me everyone who had ever worked with my grandfather truly loved him, and he was very sad to see him go.

Right now it angers me, My grandfather was cremated, and sits on the shelf in my grandmothers bedroom.

I want him to go to Arlington, that's where he deserves to be. He loved this country with every ounce of his heart, and he should be in this countries greatest cemetary.

I miss him, alot. I wish I could tell him.

I'm sorry if this brought you down, I needed to say it. I cried alot then, and I cried alot tonight. But it's good crying.

I wish I could change the past, and tell him what he means to me. I wish I believed in god, and I believed in heaven, because then I think I could pray to him, and he would tell my granfather for me. But I don't, I guess it doesn't matter then, because there's nothing left of my grandfather to know. But I know, and that's enough.

I'm thinking about the idea of living every day, like it could be your last. If you died tonight, could you die in peace? Would you said everything that was needed to be said. Would you have told everyone how you felt. Would you feel like you had accomplished everything you had wanted to accomplish? Would you be the person you wanted to be when you died?

I'm been thinking about it, and I think if I died tonight, I would regret it. There's so many people that I have things left to tell. So many things I think I still want to do, and Sadly, I'm not quite the person I want to be yet. I think I should change that. Tie up loose ends, make te changes I want to make, and make plans to do the things I want to do. Maybe figure out if the things I think I want to do, really need to be done...

So many things to think about...

"Grandaddy, I love you, You've been a guiding light and an inspiration to me in all the dark times times of my life, and a heartfelt companion in the bright. May you always be in my heart and in my thoughts, from this life to the next, from the lowest realms of hell, to the highest realms of the Buddha."