the_baron

i love it when that happens.
lost in translation, i have to say, is one of my favorite movies (but i totally have a celebrity crush on bill murray, sooo - and john cusak but that has nothing to do with anything. and adam sandler. nevermind, i'm way off topic.)

SO!
you had a good time in tyler, then.
i got your note and you were apologizing for something i can't remember but there's no need to apologize, we all had a great time.
you missed some crazy stunts, though

i'm really happy that you got all your stuff taken care of.
i'm packing up my shit right now because my family is moving into another abode, and i have certain things laid out that i will not pack... essentially i'll be living out of a couple suitcases for the next couple months, i think. i have this foot-locker that i keep my art supplies in and i'm thinking that's going to change - i'll pack shit up in that to take, but damn that bitch is gonna be heavy - i better do some serious arm work over the next few weeks!

ah and dj monk was so The Greatness.
riottsiren posted a picture of him in her comment on my journal from yesterday.
there's a picture of the three of us in her journal, too.
we had such a great time, got to boogie down, and ended up in the "v.i.p." just above and behind the dj booth, so we had a GREAT view while he spun and they had these screens up to display graphics and since we were just on the other side of it we got to watch them up-close coming through the other side (does that make sense?) and then they would blow all these bubbles and the light would shine through the bubbles and display the little prismatic orbs on the screen over-top of the graphics already there... and little miss riott is exactly what her name insinuates - she's a siren... and a riot. i had so much fun. her boyfriend is a blast, too. he was all into the music and pumped up and singing along to most of the samples and dancing all precious and just being good.
fun times.
but i'm glad you got a chance to relax and hang with your fam and see a show, etc.

i was supposed to hang out with this dude tonight, but i haven't heard from him.
i kindof gave him a little bit of the runaround and told him to use my email at work because it's more complicated and i should just tell him that i don't want to hang out anymore... it's just that he's been a great friend and i've totally appreciated his influence in my life but it's time for me to focus on what's up with me and for him to focus on what's important to him, i guess. i don't know.
but i'll be gone before much longer and he knows i'm going and i do want to bid him adieu appropriately, sooo... maybe i'll let him buy me dinner . hahaha! i know it's probably not the cool thing to do, but hey! i'll go dutch if necessary, he just never lets me , maybe because he has MANY more resources than i do. anyway - that was too much information.
my point was that i will spend the day packing and if i still don't hear from him, i'm going to take myself to a movie.

i'm going to be sliding into something somewhat anti-social.
i just have a lot to do, you know?
of course we have to keep in touch and we will see each other before we both leave (and we'll see each other while in new york, too - RAD!),
but i have to pack to move this week, as i mentioned, and then i'm going to be trying to go through all my shit and sell as much as possible and consolidate and minimize the rest and keep it safe here. and i don't really know how i'm going to go about doing that. and in all actuality, i'm probably just going to give my parents most of it. i know the bed i have in storage is better than what my mom sleeps on (and there will be room for it in this new place). i know that they could use my car because they have one they're making payments on now but mine is less expensive and almost paid for - one of their cars was recently repossessed and i think if they could just keep mine and turn in the other car then perhaps it would ease some of their liability, etc.
and the other crap... there's just not time to organize a garage sale or anything. i thought about ebay, but truthfully it's just too much of a pain in my ass and i don't have time for that shit. i could just give it to the community center and get a receipt to turn in with my income tax return or something.
i don't know. everything will be just fine.
bleh. i'm just going to kindof pack up and go! ha!
someone said something recently, a quote by anais nin, 'Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.'
so so so!
conquer the fear.

which is sortof what you've done now that you have all your shit together to submit your app.

we're so on our way!

wow.
isn't this all just WOW, J?

FUCK! SHIT! WHOA!~



okay.
i'm done rambling for the time being.
i don't even remember half of what i spewed, but it was probably too much/not enough,
and words don't work anyway.

i feel like my life is so changed.








[Edited on May 31, 2004 7:00AM]

I don't get to go and you fall asleep... sigh..

so,
let's go tonight
to see the dark crystal... with zeph and the gang

i love SGTEXAS!

maybe user=cupofkarma will still let us meet up at her place and then we can hang for a bit, maybe find a bite to eat, and then mosey on over to the theatre and see the shiz-ow.


dude, this is turning out to be a fabulous fucking friday!

lift the roof!

hahaha
i crack me up!

Dark Crystal!!! Hope you made the right choice. Wish I could have gone. Talk to you later.

I hated to come back too. We hung out in the city of Gruene all day. It was really cool, if your ever in New Bran. again you should check it out.

I don't think I've ever been toob'n down there and had a bad time.

Last time I went there I had to get 12 stitches when I stepped on a bottle. I don't remember that as much as the weekend really.. now it's just another story your remind your friends of 5 years later.

i know you would like this.

i feel blessed to have had two friends, both have made quite an impact on my life, recommend the book to me. i read it, and although the story very much represents ideas that have already long made sense to me, it is touching and endearing in a way that will scar your heart, keeping it with you always.

it is a best-buy. i'm sure you could find it at half-price books, but come on! six dollars?!
you will get much more than your money's worth, as is true for so much lit.

xox

so glad you could come out!

what did your friend go to jail for... hopefully not dwi 'cause that can be some serious bad shit.
i saw that you called last night, yes i'm really on top of things.
as of now i am kinda iffy about going, it was like pulling teeth trying to get myself worked in. but meh, whatever's clever.
i love toobing down the river though and know it would be much fun

so what are you bringing with, on the trip? as in food?

IT damn right??? I guess im not quite awake yet. Anyways, are you still coming by yourself, or are you bringing someone?

that was such a great comment.

some notes, in response (blah blah blah):

i love that you know the two verses of the tigger song. tiggers ARE wonderful things.

saturday was definitely good times. i will never cease to be amazed at the way interaction between people is so affective
(and i DO mean affective with an A)

this person insists on assuring me that he has little to do with changes i have recently experienced within myself... i wish he would realize that it isn't true. the degrees to which i have changed could not have been as they are without his involvement.
similarly, i'm not saying that your saturday night would have been better or worse had the company/circumstances been different, but they would not have been the same.
and that goes for me, too.
thank you, j.


i don't have lots of drama in my life, really. it's something i try to stand back from, to look at from the outside, difficult as it may be to do so.
perhaps i only say i don't have any is because there was recently a time when i really DID feel completely surrounded by "drama", but perception plays a huge role there - do we think it's a big deal? do we really CREATE this drama ourselves with the fear and our reactions and all that.
we are each responsible for our own response.

i don't wish i were back in high-school, and if i didn't have such strength against regret i would wish i could've done better with that school career - we discussed this...
but yeah - high school is in the past.

i totally agree with you about all the things we have to work on and relationships, etc.
i don't think it will ever end. we really will always have work to do. why do we let that inhibit our opportunities for further expansion?
you push to the top of a hill and the view reveals mountains on the horizon. isn't it nice to have someone to talk to while you sweat your way up and skip down to the next beginning?

(?) did i ever give you this quote:
"To fall in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult, our human loneliness is cause enough. But it is a hard quest worth making to find a comrade through whose steady presence one becomes steadily the person one desires to be." ~ Anna Louise Strona

with any relationship, with ourselves, with our friends, with our lovers, it is important to remain 'conscious' and 'aware' and 'forgiving',
among other things.

we live, we learn, we grow, we get better... we love if we're lucky.
i feel truly blessed.


fear and dreams always collide.
when we have something like "a dream" or "a fantasy" the idea of not attaining it is somewhat fearful, wouldn't you say?
so, (as you DID say)... in order to even step in that direction, we must confront, conquer our fear.
something i try to remind myself of is that dreams evolve with us as human beings...
i may get so far in one direction, conquer the fear (which may be the lesson itself, who's to say) and consequently change my mind... my dream may develop differently based on smaller accomplishments, adjustments i make along the way. i will sometime get a better grip on the boulder.

sometimes i think that perhaps my fantasies are only consolations in the first place.
but i try so hard to remain in this moment - in each "now"... they say it's where god lives.

the things i was taught from a young age seem contradictory to me. reconciling them is growing more and more difficult on one hand, and simpler on the other.
if i encounter something that frightens me i am inclined to just adapt...
the fear is what scares me the most because, in my opinion, it is the opposite of free... which is also contradictory because we can find so much freedom in confronting our fear and because the acknowledgement of fear's power is a yoke in and of itself.
bleh.

think about the way we sacrifice - think about how "for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction"... think about that where in regards to risk and accomplishment.
we get what we give, ya think?
sometimes i feel jaded and decidedly DON'T think i get what i give, but i'm just kidding myself and being selfish.

we are all human. we suffer that same condition.

we gain in losing, though, j.
"failure is the mother of success"

i told someone recently, regarding attitude, that the more i lose, the more i realize what i have and relish it.

the rug is pulled from beneath us and we develop a better relationship with the floor... nothing would stand without our foundation and when all is lost, we have at least the one thing, the ONE.

(crikey, i'm getting all philo ...)

mmm, but there's this poem by rumi that i posted in someone's journal a few weeks ago...
one of the last lines says something like "oh, sweet bitterness, i too have been covered in thorns"

you said: "The idea is growing in my mind but isn't complete yet."
(?)can i just add: never expect it to be complete

i'm not a writer, so i can't answer your question.
maybe it's a bit of both?... maybe he writes for himself and for others. it's communication. it's cathartic. it's entertaining. it's like many things.
kahlil gibran is where i pulled that quote i had on saturday : you speak when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts
perhaps it's why we write.
i don't know.

your IGFs remind me of something like pandora's box, but i'm not familiar enough with the mythology to back it up.

but the word, the word "love"... it just isn't enough. in fact, sometimes i feel like it's benign.
maybe many women are like me in that we busy and worry ourselves SO much with love ... and really(at the heart of the matter), it's no trouble. heh.

we overdo so much so much.
isn't it funny? sad, but amusing.
there seems to be this see-saw power-struggle something-or-other that goes on between people engaged in a relationship where we depend on each other. we can't do it all alone.
which maybe is why i find that quote up there about a comrade so amazing - because really, i think we just want to be with our best friends forever, you know?
that love that endures ... that unconditional acceptance and individual honor?
i don't know what i'm talking about... i'm in the same place you are, man. with miles to go before i sleep and all that. i think i know something but i really just can't tell because it isn't all about me.


having a commitment like marriage disintegrate is so painful.
i watched my mother go through relationships like crazy... and obviously the relationships i've been in before have failed (but what did we say about failure)
i'm just tired of the pattern, you know?
i thought such a thing was guaranteed when i was a young girl listening to fairy tales. somewhere inside me that little girl still exists, she wants to be a princess, but as an adult i'd rather never be married than to break a family that would be stronger mended - even if i do want the 'happily ever after' - honestly, there will be lots of sadness. i don't think marrying someone will "complete me". spending your life with someone is a CHOICE - back to that "conscious, aware, forgiveness" thing.
of course, i haven't been there yet, and i can't say my mother ever did the wrong thing, or that my father did, or that all the hundreds of other people i've met who have chosen to reneg their vows haven't done what's been in their best interests.
still - working to heal from so many broken relationships, accepting the growth however tiring it may be, moving ON,
... shit ... i lost that thought - it was a big one.
something about how it's worth it, right?

the thing about "forever love" is that, in my humble opinion, love IS forever. to quote many sources, it's stronger than pride, stronger than death, stronger than ... anything. it does not fail.
it's why i truly believe in that "home is where the heart is"... it's why i'm "always coming home" and "always in love".
i don't believe that love is ever the wrong reason to do something but then i think about how love isn't always reasonable... and then i throw other individuals into the equation and am reminded that i can only be responsible for myself - and that those other people probably have the same opinion.
and it's how hurt gets involved. haha!
but we get through it. invincible as long as we're alive


we take it upon ourselves to respond to situations in ways that are open and (hopefully) healthy, keeping in mind what we know about change - it is the only constant.


i don't like chocolate enough to be content with it.
but love is still under all the everything-else, if it's real.


i'm not making any sense.
oy.



yeesh, we leave long notes

and words don't work.


*edited to complete some short thoughts and correct my anal ass typing. *



[Edited on May 18, 2004 2:42PM]

had a good time last night.

good luck, again, with that whole thing.
thank you for the conversation and feedback,
and for showing up at the event,
i really appreciate it.

also,
it's time to update the journal, man.



happy sunday!

hmmmm. yes, i think i can definitly deal with you for a few hours. only a few though right?!
call me. i emailed my number.

come cook for meeeee i looooove food food yummmmy i answered your questions on the tooooobin

I want a big ass batch of that chocoalte pasta, tell me how much money you want, and there will be a brown paper sack on your front step in no time.

hahaha wish I could come tobin.. I'll be in Nicaragua... but I bet if you're cookin them... I smell your burgers from there.. have fun

wooooooooo school is fun!!!.. *stabs school*

good luck on finals!!!

awe,

*tear* I never got to meet either of my grandfathers.. atleast you have the memories man