thateagleguy

So, if my math is correct (and I went to Collinsville Public Schools so it very well may not be correct in the slightest) Monday would have been my parents 48 wedding anniversary. I had my own demons to slay that day and thus didn't even give it a thought until that evening. I consider this to be a bit of a victory. I have really been working on just letting go. I am going to butcher this story but here goes: A man in a large and crowded waiting room comes in alone. He tells a joke loud enough for the room to hear. The entire room gives way to roaring laughter. The man tells the exact same joke with very little difference in inflection and tone a few minutes later. Several people still laugh although some a bit halfheartedly. A few minutes later again he tells the same joke. Even fewer people laugh and some look either concerned or annoyed. The man continues to wait a few minutes and tell the joke until not one person laughs. At this point the man addresses everyone again and says in so many words: You can let go of the joy of that joke? It affects you less and less over time. How many of you use some awful or tragic memory to open up pain and grief long after it should have that effect on you? I often bemoan the fact that people put so much energy and time into placing blame instead of fixing a problem. Then I asked myself how many ghost I have lingering. How much time and energy have I wasted holding on to people or events that are no longer there? Some really not there anymore, as in dead, or in several cases I hold on to a person that no longer exist in essence. That girl I had a crush on when I was 16 years old physically is the mother of 4 and married a doctor. Emotionally and truly the person I longed to be with is gone forever. Amy will never be back. Time, circumstance, progress, and what I know for me and I hope for her is personal growth has killed that girl. Just as well, the 16 year old me is gone forever too. Hell, I even enjoy killing off earlier versions of myself. I hope that each time it is an upgrade. That is at least my aim. I am to evolve and become more everytime I kill the 'me' that you know. Some people cannot keep up with the changes both subtle and glaring. Some don't deserve to. I am lucky in that she is there as a partner in my murders and cheers me on each time. I acknowledge the past and take note of lessons learned but never want to be shackled with woes and regrets of what could have or should have been and what or who once was.