teva

Youll have to excuse me for this blog sounding scattered/non-coherent. I'm basically trying to explain why I'm not going to be as active as I used to be here. I really liked a guy, he seemed to have every quality that I looked for, I had liked him for years actually. We were intimate and apparently it meant more to me than it did to him. I am very selective in who I sleep with, I don't sleep around. Sex means more to me than just "scratching an itch". It only happened once but there were several talks of it happening again and there were several talks over the months that made me feel he had an interest. I am aware that relationships don't typically happen when you sleep with someone so soon but this was someone that I felt strongly for. I thought things were OK but apparently all it ever was was sex. I genuinely thought that things could work with this person and I was willing to try despite our distance. For several months though he never really tried to have conversations with me, it was mostly sexual even from the beginning with our initial first chats and I ignored it because of how much I had liked him over the years and I admit I didn't try to change that to have more in depth conversations so this person could get to know me better. It wasn't until recently that we talked normally, until we just stopped talking. I was just so happy to be talking to him. I wanted to make him happy, to show how much I cared but I was made to feel like I was crazy... I find myself just wanting to drift away.

I would like to thank everyone that has supported my first set, it means a lot to me. It may not have the percentage that I would like to see but the kind and thoughtful comments that I received made me feel good.

I know Im young and probably just look in all the wrong places and I need to try not to be so introverted, that there is someone out there for me who truly wants to be with me and make me as happy as I want to make them. I guess what Im trying to say is that I had a bad experience with someone that is apart of this site. It is not my intention to say anything negative about this person as they have told me they did not mean to make me feel this way but I know this blog probably does that. SG has meant a lot to me over the years. Never before have I encountered so many like minded people who shared my interests, had similar life experiences or just plan reminded me of myself. Growing up I always felt out of place, like I didn't belong. The vast majority of my friends are male but when Im on SG I see so many women that I could be close friends with. I always wanted to model but knew I didn't want to do traditional catalog/runway/commercial modeling because of my love for tattoos and piercings. SG was the first place that I saw that celebrated women for being different, for being themselves despite societys views. I've learned new things, befriended some amazing people and felt empowered by all of the amazing SGs. I was hoping to become an SG to inspire someone, wither it be to start modeling or to get a membership to the site like Silvia inspired me. I also know there aren't a lot of active SG's in Georgia and I wanted to help change that, but now...I just don't know...
In talking to close friends about my experience they all agree to just move on and stay strong. I just feel like over the years I have developed a 6th sense for sadness/heartbreak or maybe it's just intuition and a lot of times I ignore the warnings. I just know when something painful is happening/going to happen. I admit that I mostly sent sexual/pervert things to him and could have tried harder to talk. If I had a silly/sexual thought that made me laugh Id send it to him because I thought this his hilarious I should send it to him to make him randomly laugh or sending things just to turn him on.
I just feel like Im dying inside, not just with this most recent experience but over the years little by little. All I've ever really known is heart break. I told myself when I first started chatting with this person that he was the last one, the last shot. If it didn't work out I would just throw my arms into the air and give up on love. I would say that its just time to pick up the pieces and move on but I feel like there is nothing left to pick up. What little that was left of my heart is gone. A few things were said that really hurt my feelings and pegged me in a way that I know Im not. Due to the timing of when I renewed my membership and when I got a free membership from becoming a hopeful, my membership wont expire until 2015. I will be around to support friends or just sets I like but I wont be here as much. I am just going to focus on myself, more self improvement, working more to save money to do the things I want to do ie travel more to shoot with different photographers for Zivity, get more tattoos and save to get my own home. Im sure in time I will be back more frequently once I heal, I may even decide to try again and shoot another set for the site but for now Ijust cant be here...as often. I've pretty much detached myself from all things SG outside of the site to help me heal faster. I deleted this person from all things outside of SG to keep from seeing something I don't want to see, as they chose to date someone else and they deleted me here so I doubt they will see this blog.

Im the type of person that takes great joy in making the person Im with or that Im interested in happy. I am very sweet, caring, tender, mellow and thoughtful as well as being silly and funny. All I've ever wanted was to find that one person that is right for me, I've never been interested in dating around or talking to multiple people. I focus on one person. I like showing the people I like that I care but for all of my actions/efforts to be dismissed as if they all happened in the past when they happened throughout the months and to be called stalkerish and that they dont understand me..just gutted me. I am not obsessive or crazy. Its perfectly normal to say things in the heat of the moment that you may not really mean or your just telling someone how something they did bothered you to get it out there and off your chest so it doesn't happen again. I find that each time my heart gets broken it hurts less and less. I dont know if its because of age, I've gotten better at dealing with it because it happens so often or if its because there is so little left of my heart to break as I tend to give so much of it to the person I care about. To show them that they are involved with someone that truly just wants to make them happy. That if they have a bad day or things aren't going well, either just seeing or even speaking to me will brighten their day, even if only for a little while. I like to take the pain away. I know I am an amazing girlfriend, I just always fall for the wrong people. With this last person though, I truly thought that I had found a decent person that I could try to date. That I had found someone that wouldn't hurt me, that I had found a great match. He made me feel like a fool for how often I messaged him. There were times in the past where he said he didn't receive my messages so I figured if I didn't get a response we were having communication problems so I would ask if he got my text. It didn't dawn on me that he felt I was messaging him too much and was choosing to ignore me and that he just wasn't interested.
Well my thoughts are all over the place so I will just stop typing. I know some will read this and think I'm just being butt hurt and venting.

I'm not giving up on modeling just yet. I can be found on:
Zivity
Instagram
Tumblr

Not sure how to end this so I will just follow a friends advice to "build the list of fond memories, surround yourself with happy people, nice people who appreciate your kindness and are gentle to you,enjoy every activity you are planning, meeting friends, just being outside, taking in some sunshine, breathing fresh air, people watching, walking, reading, watching a movie or taking beautiful photographs in the nature, city, museums, people, yourself, anything that gives you fond memories. " and just go
~Teva