tessaruby

We went and filled out the papers for the apartment.. And got to check it out,,,, hopefully everything goes threw and we can move in the beginning of September is the soonest. (thats if they approve our application) the apartment is older and smaller, but really cozy. Its all about location for me. And I hate cookie cutter homes or perfect over priced apartments. Its actually kind of unique its not really a party spot,,, or anything but it will definitely work for just braiden and me. I dont want to keep using my dad.. He has the right to his life and im just putting a damper on it

But however My dad bought a boat!! So were all gonna go camping next weekend.. My dad braiden and me and do the stuff you do with a boat

I havent really been hanging out with anyone.. And if I do its only been those who are really trying to get a hold of me.. And pursue the action. And least yet, it has been my friend angie and Purdy much only her

She calls me every day,, just to touch bases ever since her and I started talking again since her last incident with going to jail and all yeah she went to jail she was just kinda going A-wall

But I gave it a month and we talked again. And since she seems to be on the right page or at least on her way there

She really can relate to some what of what im going threw. But definitely more soo her mom died last year

Anyways its nothing against anyoneother then the apartment, im really just kinda isolating my self to braiden and angie when she calls.. I mean if any one calls Ill be more then happy to talk to you.. Im not limiting my self,, just not going out of my way to hang out you know. I mean as little as it may seem Im going threw a lot and Ive truly noticed and have come to matters with my self

I appreciate you you as in anyone who would read this or anyone who is my friend even if were not that close of friends

Life is soo cheap I dont want to ever take anyone for granted and I want you to know that..


Okay so things have gone from bad
to steady
To back to being bad..

I dont want to really put to much into this, cause I know people dont know how to respond to someone elses pain.. but out of anything Ive ever written in my entire life, let this be one of the subject most worthily of writing,,,

My gramps has taken 3 steps back to critical..

Im slowly but surely preparing my self for his death..

I have been for as long as I could remember, I always thought of my grandpa as someone who made a tremendous impact on me for as long as I remember I watched my grandparents struggle..

I think theyve both had just about every surgery there is, each time was astonishing that they pulled threw,,,

I dont even know how many strokes

Not only that Ive just never seen anyone struggle as much as my grandparent have with anything.. And have such a positive out look on life such true and genuine way towards me

I am. Was truly blessed to have them .

Okay ,,,,,,

Im not going to lie

Im terrified Im literally in a spiral of feelings Im some what prepared.. But honestly struck and like incredibly weak with sorrow

I know someone will probably eventually read this

And Personally this a feeling, a state of being I wouldnt want to share with anyone

This is how you felt when you lost someone? You felt like someone took a chunk out of your life. ?

And its gone. Its indescribable. And ohhhh my gawd is it tough.

Even if he doesnt die soon or even live beyond this moment he is soo helpless

The strongest man I know is helpless

The best way to post this blog would be a small caption of me crying with pieces of my heart my life scattered around me

Am I too sensitive? I dont know how to maturely and un selfishly feel about this?

I feel like everyone should know, my grandpa is sooo ill! Soo incredible sick

And its life, its just that? No explication.. No boundaries . Im never going to see my gramps again?

My years of practicing my non-religious believes have really screwed me. Have left me with noooo hope. Hes gonna die and thats that ?

Anyways im just confused and angry right now if you actually read all this,, thanks for your interest

Good night.