tessaruby

it feels good to be appreciated even by an enemy,,,, I'm not much of a person anymore..

believe it or not, I've been severely depressed... Where all I can do is speak and hope someone listens. Or can respond the right way..

Nothing as a whole has really triggered my emotions.. Its kind of a billion and one little things. I dont see my self soo sad,, I dont see a reason to be as sad as I am.. I use to hate people for being soo depressed.. Because I thought they were weak.. a lot of my problems are (I hate to say it) but from my mother.. She put me threw sooo much and I never wanted to whine about it or let anyone know,, because I didnt want to compare my problems to any one elses I didnt want blame her for anything since my baby sister was born.. Its like a flash back. And it hurts.. And I CANT get over it no matter how hard I try I give people alittle insight to actually went on.. Heck Ive bragged about the torment,, in comparison to other peoples problems.. In some ways I dont want to say a word.. I dont want anyone to judge what happened to me and I dont want anyone to pretend they understand or feel sorry for me most of all I dont want someone to criticize my tears like Ive done to soo many people;;

Like I had a moment in high school where I just felt sooo sorry for my self.. That teenage angst of emo. And drama.. And I never let it happen again I convinced my self suicide is completely stupid and people are stupid for killing them selfs I dont like being weak.. I get angry and the blubble pops and I break down and cry.. I throw punches, instead of taking them when im sad I have the list of reasons,, when im mad I have the list,,, but, I think if I was dead, someone would stop and think like no ones attention is enough. And I get A LOT of attention.. Im soo spoiled and sooo loved.. Its cruel.. Ive accepted all that is beautiful around me.. I hate my self for being this way I know theres more then my pathetic out bursts
Why, am I trying to convince my self, my life is sooo perfect and I love everything about it with all actuality im soo confused.... I can appreciate everything as a whole the balance between good and evil.. Im it both the only explanation is being completely confused..

IM confused only, if I sit down and write this all out, I can figure it out I have a hard time getting what I want out of people.. I explode .. I over power everyone I get close to they give their 2 cents and I invest my life savings into every argument.. Over and over again.. The winner of the argument is in all actuality the bad guy.. The one with more reason is the one left alone cause the one with less has more reason to figure out Im soo complete with every aspect of life, that it kills me sometimes.. dont get me wrong, I dont put my self over ANYONE! Im not smart I am the stupidest person I know. I over read anything I write and just shake my head I go over anything I say,, and do the same

I crack and crumble.. And I am by far the weakest individual I know.. Only can say that about my self, because I only know me over everyone else.. I mean whos to say, you are the weakest link, if I dont totally understand you motives,, or understand how or why you come about your self like you do no one really knows anyone,, but their selfs there for, I am the solid of all that is evil.. Because I know my self better then anyone else.. This is brain washing, I can go on forever and simply delete everything because I know anything I have to say is just a spec in anyones thoughts.. So after all, I do this for my self..


I dont have a list now I can explain anymore Im tremendously weak..

All I can do is add every penny to the jar and hope it all adds up

Tomorrow / today is after all amazing because I had / have the ability to think or just breaththeres so much in life we take for granted every day and I hold life on a pedestal tears are balance laughter is balance because of that,, I am sane I just need to cry and let it all out,,, if Im going to amount to so much pleasure in life.. Those arent my intentions though,,, just my only explanation..


thanks if you actually read this.. its like giving an empty stomach food... (me being the empty one)