tessaruby

Alright, my bangs are finally back to blonde blonde.. Not the nasty light bluish grayish uglyish they were for a while it still freaks me out each time I look in the mirror though.. Do you ever do that? Dye your hair and totally forget about it ? every time Im like whoa, yeah im dumb..

Anyways, I think im reaching the end of a weird dull cycle.. Like Ive either got to move on or I dunno just die I guess those are my options.. And I dont want to die.. So, its obvious Ive just got to move on

We cant all stay like this forever.

After about 100000000 attempts to hang out with people, it has now come very clear to me.. That I am NOT social! Its not that im shy, at least I dont think I just freeze up around people like stage fright,,,

Its not like if I was at a theme park Id get all tense its more like when im on the spot, like dead center and everyones talking and carrying on, I instantly become the lame/ quite/ party bummer

I didnt think I was like that,,

I guess Ive just made an ass out of my self way too much..

Im just content being at home. I have nothing to say to anyone,,,, I dont have a point of view, I dont have a quick witty insight to every single conversation Im just dull lame and boring

I didnt even know this about my self till just recently

I thought I was out going.. Especially with a few drinks in me..
Anyways, I love my friends and who they are,, I just sometimes dont click and I feel my presents slipping between the cracks I can no longer fill Im not a very good friend anyways

Im extremely selfish.. Others needs/motives are no where close to might so its hard to concentrate on both. Im not trying to justify my actions for any reason.
Im freezing right now

Seems like braiden is the complete opposite now. Very social.. So much to say,, life of the party,, blah blah blah I drag him down

Hes such a great guy. Seems like no one takes the time to see him for who he truly is,,,

I guess now, because hes some what bettered him self or whatever the fuck they think, people actually care. thats bullshit, hes been the same great guy to me threw and threw people act like he was nothing before, like he didnt have a job or he didnt try to impress people.. or something, what does that have to do with who you are? Maybe if he wasnt so depressed he could of moved on a lot faster threw that rut I guess no one really understands that though,,, augh, it just bothers me for some reason like older friends that all of a sudden want to hang out, like their so interested in whats going on in the world of braiden now, when before when he really needed someone no one gave a shit,,, no one took the time to see his point of view,,, over looked everything he ever had to say patronized him. Braiden has a hard time making him self totally clear.. Or to present him self in a respectable way,,, to where people are actually gonna shut up and listen hes extremely passive, and not good with words. It doesnt mean he doesnt have a good point of view just means he lets pieces of shit walk all over him,,, (like me) I hate that,,, people just talk down to him all the time, like hes fucking slow or something. A weak ego. An invite for predators when in reality hes better then all of them. Ive never met anyone with the ability to see beauty in the most horrible ugly things.. Hah I guess thats why he likes someone like me


anyways, thanks for letting me use sg journal for an outlet... everyone have a wounderful fathers day..