LIFE! Well I'm in the process of living it. Sort of... ANY WAY.. I found more wonderful new music! Almost like a REAL emo sectional of music! REAL EMO! Not the stereotypical "*emo*sob*sob*" you hear about. But REAL EMO! Melodic, loud, powerful! Fucking EMO TO BE PROUD OF! The type of emo that makes me want to fucking scream along! Play guitar as loud as I can and fucking scream to the melody! I need MORE of this! Oh man fuck! Sweet tits in pure musical form! It's been so long now and I feel like I am seeing a friend I haven't seen in SO DAMN LONG! My little bit of happiness!
Street Smart Cyclist
Know Think
Kidcrash
On another note... I got my NEW PHONE TODAY! PICTURE MESSAGES AGAIN! I got a memory card for it too! 2 GIGS OF SPACE FOR ANYTHING! Hopefully the music I am hearing! Pictures of life! Pictures of the misfortunes I see everyday. PICTURES! MUSIC! I feel excited for once! Although my finger hurts a bit.... Kinda cut into it on the slicer today. I washed it and put on gloves. Soon after the pointer finger was full of blood and my glove was filling. Pretty neat actually. SUPER GLUE TO THE RESCUE! Burns. All you can see now is a line. Curved perfectly into my finger. I think I might go ride my bike Thursday. Snow or not! I need to ride! So much energy... So much stress... SO MUCH FRUSTRATION! I need to ride! If only to wreck a few times! If only to land a few times... It's beginning to feel like punishment. Having what I loved taken from me by weather. Summer can't come soon enough for me!
THOUGHTS! Seems they don't find the need to stop any more. Keeping me up at night over ideas and useless thoughts. Ideas. Clothing... Paintings... Music. IDEAS! The one thing I want more than anything at this moment in life... is someone I can talk to about my ideas! SOMEONE! ANYONE WHO WILL ACTUALLY LISTEN TO ME AND GIVE A LITTLE BIT OF A FUCK! Ideas! Mine are to be heard and discussed! I don't know what else to do with them! I feel like I have this loaded gun and I'm firing it off wildly waiting for it to ricochet back into my ear! Tossing out thoughts! Hoping to get a response! Conversation! To converse! In a manner to learn and teach! To learn as to become closer to someone! TALK! Thoughts... Aimless and full of potential.
I'm growing my beard back out. I shaved it off for a few pictures and instantly regretted it. INSTANTLY! In all actuality it felt like I was just told I wasn't liked by some one I felt for. That heartache and let down in myself. So out it comes again! If you don't like it.... cool. Stop reading this! I can say it's for me. I like it. I don't care about anyone else and how they think I look with it. Not anymore. I keep holding out this hope that I'll listen to someone and they'll actually stay around in my life. Bullshit. People say what they want and ditch out on you. I have learned that the only people that actually care are your family. Friends just get what they want and move on. Usually from me they get self esteem or self worth and then feel that they don't need friends like me anymore. So Sweet Fuck ALL! I'm so tired of helping others realize they matter so they can ditch me because I was their friend when they felt that way. I want real friends. Friends that listen to me! That hang out because its fun too! Not because they can't hangout with the people they want to! GOD DAMN! I keep getting USED by who I think are my "friends"! Yes I want friends, but NO, I don't want them at the cost of happiness anymore! I have found few friends that are my friends because they want to be friends. Most seem to want something. I'm done with that.
I fucking hate it when girls I dig on send me messages about other guys! Why do girls do that? They KNOW you like them because you've told them but they insist on telling you about the guy they are with. It's like they're saying " I know you like me but I want to make sure you know I don't like you back by showing you this guys I'm with! Watch as I make out with him and FUCKING destroy any good thoughts you had of me!" If any girl reads this post.. ANY GIRL!... PLEASE let me know why the hell girls do this! I'm not intrigued by many girls so when I am I really tend to like them. So when I get a message about how well her new guy kisses or how well he FUCKS, it tends to get me a little aggravated. I know nice guys finish last but it seems that so many girls just want to see them fucking miserable! I don't think it's every girl. But it seems to be every girl I have gone after so far. Then again I tend to go after girls that seem to need rescuing from life. I don't get it. I want happiness just like every one else but keep looking for it in broken places. But then again I am yet to find a girl any more that likes me that doesn't seem broken.
Tonight I noticed I was being watched at by a cute girl. I looked at her and she smiled and turned red. It was odd for me. She was too young for me. Obviously too young. Still not used to being looked at. Different clothing styling. Loss of weight. The fact I've given up on almost all my old friends with a few exceptions. I don't know what it is, but, I feel free and sad all at the same time with a little bit of excitement. I feel like I have lost a lot of pressure from my life. Not caring about what my old friends who don't keep in contact think any more. I see now that I didn't mean shit to them then or now. So fuck'em. Life keeps going weather we want it to or not. Life will keep going for me LONG after I have lost every one I care about. But until that day I keep moving forward for those who DO care!
Life. Year to month. Day to hour. Minute to second. All arranged by the feel of heart beats. This is just a wait. Biding my time. Looking for purpose. Finding little things to keep life from feeling too remedial. Let me know when things get interesting... I'm gonna have my music playing too loudly to notice.
Street Smart Cyclist
Know Think
Kidcrash
On another note... I got my NEW PHONE TODAY! PICTURE MESSAGES AGAIN! I got a memory card for it too! 2 GIGS OF SPACE FOR ANYTHING! Hopefully the music I am hearing! Pictures of life! Pictures of the misfortunes I see everyday. PICTURES! MUSIC! I feel excited for once! Although my finger hurts a bit.... Kinda cut into it on the slicer today. I washed it and put on gloves. Soon after the pointer finger was full of blood and my glove was filling. Pretty neat actually. SUPER GLUE TO THE RESCUE! Burns. All you can see now is a line. Curved perfectly into my finger. I think I might go ride my bike Thursday. Snow or not! I need to ride! So much energy... So much stress... SO MUCH FRUSTRATION! I need to ride! If only to wreck a few times! If only to land a few times... It's beginning to feel like punishment. Having what I loved taken from me by weather. Summer can't come soon enough for me!
THOUGHTS! Seems they don't find the need to stop any more. Keeping me up at night over ideas and useless thoughts. Ideas. Clothing... Paintings... Music. IDEAS! The one thing I want more than anything at this moment in life... is someone I can talk to about my ideas! SOMEONE! ANYONE WHO WILL ACTUALLY LISTEN TO ME AND GIVE A LITTLE BIT OF A FUCK! Ideas! Mine are to be heard and discussed! I don't know what else to do with them! I feel like I have this loaded gun and I'm firing it off wildly waiting for it to ricochet back into my ear! Tossing out thoughts! Hoping to get a response! Conversation! To converse! In a manner to learn and teach! To learn as to become closer to someone! TALK! Thoughts... Aimless and full of potential.
I'm growing my beard back out. I shaved it off for a few pictures and instantly regretted it. INSTANTLY! In all actuality it felt like I was just told I wasn't liked by some one I felt for. That heartache and let down in myself. So out it comes again! If you don't like it.... cool. Stop reading this! I can say it's for me. I like it. I don't care about anyone else and how they think I look with it. Not anymore. I keep holding out this hope that I'll listen to someone and they'll actually stay around in my life. Bullshit. People say what they want and ditch out on you. I have learned that the only people that actually care are your family. Friends just get what they want and move on. Usually from me they get self esteem or self worth and then feel that they don't need friends like me anymore. So Sweet Fuck ALL! I'm so tired of helping others realize they matter so they can ditch me because I was their friend when they felt that way. I want real friends. Friends that listen to me! That hang out because its fun too! Not because they can't hangout with the people they want to! GOD DAMN! I keep getting USED by who I think are my "friends"! Yes I want friends, but NO, I don't want them at the cost of happiness anymore! I have found few friends that are my friends because they want to be friends. Most seem to want something. I'm done with that.
I fucking hate it when girls I dig on send me messages about other guys! Why do girls do that? They KNOW you like them because you've told them but they insist on telling you about the guy they are with. It's like they're saying " I know you like me but I want to make sure you know I don't like you back by showing you this guys I'm with! Watch as I make out with him and FUCKING destroy any good thoughts you had of me!" If any girl reads this post.. ANY GIRL!... PLEASE let me know why the hell girls do this! I'm not intrigued by many girls so when I am I really tend to like them. So when I get a message about how well her new guy kisses or how well he FUCKS, it tends to get me a little aggravated. I know nice guys finish last but it seems that so many girls just want to see them fucking miserable! I don't think it's every girl. But it seems to be every girl I have gone after so far. Then again I tend to go after girls that seem to need rescuing from life. I don't get it. I want happiness just like every one else but keep looking for it in broken places. But then again I am yet to find a girl any more that likes me that doesn't seem broken.
Tonight I noticed I was being watched at by a cute girl. I looked at her and she smiled and turned red. It was odd for me. She was too young for me. Obviously too young. Still not used to being looked at. Different clothing styling. Loss of weight. The fact I've given up on almost all my old friends with a few exceptions. I don't know what it is, but, I feel free and sad all at the same time with a little bit of excitement. I feel like I have lost a lot of pressure from my life. Not caring about what my old friends who don't keep in contact think any more. I see now that I didn't mean shit to them then or now. So fuck'em. Life keeps going weather we want it to or not. Life will keep going for me LONG after I have lost every one I care about. But until that day I keep moving forward for those who DO care!
Life. Year to month. Day to hour. Minute to second. All arranged by the feel of heart beats. This is just a wait. Biding my time. Looking for purpose. Finding little things to keep life from feeling too remedial. Let me know when things get interesting... I'm gonna have my music playing too loudly to notice.