Oh yet another day passes in time. Listening to Cursive. The Domestica Album. "The night has fallen down the staircase and I for one have felt it's bruises." Ahhhhh...... And now "the Martyr" plays it's almost ragged turmoil like sounds created by the vibrations of metallic strings, strummed gruffly and rhythmically. Creating as such a melody best suited for tired +/- aching hearts. I miss hearing this everyday. This.... I miss this music in my life. I need it there more. Keeping me in a melody while I do remedial tasks I don't exactly wish to be doing. Music. It has such power. Such amazing abilities to destroy or create! Improve or deteriorate! Maybe this is the reason I feel compelled to create music? To touch onto other peoples moods and lives as music has touched mine.
Today was a day, indeed. Not great but not bad. I got my new SideKick3. Watched some great fights. Played Wii with my brother. We cycled through Wii sports. He beat my ass at tennis. BUT I owned in bowling! Got my pro status back! We tied in golf. I wanted to box (not wise considering he's a beast at it!) but I don't have an extra nun-chuck for him. Baseball I won 1-0. All in a lucky swing! I am enjoying playing with my brother again! For the longest time in life we didn't really communicate or get along. Video games got us talking and hanging out again. So I'm pretty happy about that. I love the guy. He's just kinda different. Too many drugs at a young age. But he's not too bad off. He's all but normal. Just does some odd things. I feel weird knowing I am his care taker now. Knowing that, yeah, he can take care of his self. But when he can't I have to step in. I feel strange taking care of my older brother now. Just like I did with my mom. I feel so old. Worn. As if I have lived my life and I am in that long, lonely wait for death. As if unwanted and un-necessary except for my brother. That when he no longer needs me around my purpose will be no more. What a horrible feeling this is.
As of late I have been feeling terribly lonely. Extremely alone. When my brother doesn't wish to talk because he's writing a letter to his finance' I think about what I'm gonna do when she begins to live here. Am I going to be a fifth wheel in my own house? What a scary thought. Dwelling in my basement room away from the newlyweds. I don't know. I can't tell any one what's causing these thoughts. But they're there. Maybe the loneliness is becoming depression. Working all day and making sure my brothers ok all night. Like a constant job. With out rest. With out love. Life feels so long every day. But it feels ever lessening for me. Like I am using all my life making others lives easier. Almost as if thats what I am here for. All I am here for.
I can say I am doing the right thing but I know that doing this is using all my life. Am I meant to love? I wonder everyday if there is a girl out there that will love me. If love was a card in my deck of life. I see beautiful girls every day and I talk to them but they seem so very uninteresting. Just out to breed and not actually KNOW some one for who they are. Why do I feel compelled to know EVERY INTIMATE secret about a girl before I sleep with her? Or at least know more about her than her name! I always want to know favorite color, music preferences, art preferences, her middle name and all sorts of other things. Am I seriously fucked in the head to not just screw a girl like every other guy? I know this is just the same rant as almost every other time but I am yet to learn the answer to my inquiry. I am yet to learn the truth and am becoming ever so tired in waiting to know. Like showing a child the same magic trick over and over and over again, while waiting for the child to figure it out.
*Begin to play American Football's self titled album here*
I am damn tired.with so many things in my life. But I persist! I must! If only to find out a definitive answer on why my life turned out the way it did! To learn how the cards in this life deck were cut and if I lost the love card in the shuffle. A hopeless romantic. So very hopeless. Every time I see a girl I like I don't instantly picture her naked. I wonder..... "What is her favorite color?" "What makes her smile?" "Has she ever heard any of the music I love?" "Dose she blush when you look her in her eyes and kiss her?" I wonder..... I wonder if I am attractive to her. I wonder if she finds me handsome or if she thinks I'm cute. I wonder if I can make her laugh. I think about so many things. Especially if I could have and actual conversation with that girl. I have met so many girls in my life. Not many of them could have a real conversation. They wanted to talk about pointless things. Who their friends friends were "getting with" and other subjects that really don't mean much to any one but their friends friends. I want to talk about whats happening. In the girls everyday life and around the world.
Intelligence is a MAJOR turn on for me! Maybe it's because I think that an intelligent girl could raise smarter children or tell better bed time stories or who knows? I just find smart/nerdy girls so much more attractive! And girls who aren't too skinny! I want a girl to hold onto! Not just a skeleton! I like a girl who can out eat me! I know I don't really eat much at all but still! I don't know what I am thinking right now. I'm so tired. I am lonely and my dreams of late aren't helping. I am dreaming of a girl I once liked. Oddly enough she JUST sent me a message today on myspace. I miss her. Her laugh. He beautifully bright eyes! Smart and funny. Fun to be around. Great style. Ahhhhh...... I do miss her. She took my interest and KEPT IT! I found out her middle name but never her favorite color... I tried. I've moved on but I still miss her. If only as a friend, I miss her.
I think I should get some sleep. I must wake early again for work. Tomorrow seems that it will be LONG and ARDUOUS! My brother makes sure of that! He has a doctors appointment tomorrow but I must be at work.... So he's going alone. He's driving off his meds.... on icy roads. Scary. I believe he can do it! He can do it!
I'm gonna post a time exposure picture I took of my brother a while back at the bottom. I enjoy the pic because it reminds me that at times it seems he has split personalities all converging and controlling him at one time.
To all I bid you wondrous nights! Sleep beautifully and dream glorious dreams for us all!
Today was a day, indeed. Not great but not bad. I got my new SideKick3. Watched some great fights. Played Wii with my brother. We cycled through Wii sports. He beat my ass at tennis. BUT I owned in bowling! Got my pro status back! We tied in golf. I wanted to box (not wise considering he's a beast at it!) but I don't have an extra nun-chuck for him. Baseball I won 1-0. All in a lucky swing! I am enjoying playing with my brother again! For the longest time in life we didn't really communicate or get along. Video games got us talking and hanging out again. So I'm pretty happy about that. I love the guy. He's just kinda different. Too many drugs at a young age. But he's not too bad off. He's all but normal. Just does some odd things. I feel weird knowing I am his care taker now. Knowing that, yeah, he can take care of his self. But when he can't I have to step in. I feel strange taking care of my older brother now. Just like I did with my mom. I feel so old. Worn. As if I have lived my life and I am in that long, lonely wait for death. As if unwanted and un-necessary except for my brother. That when he no longer needs me around my purpose will be no more. What a horrible feeling this is.
As of late I have been feeling terribly lonely. Extremely alone. When my brother doesn't wish to talk because he's writing a letter to his finance' I think about what I'm gonna do when she begins to live here. Am I going to be a fifth wheel in my own house? What a scary thought. Dwelling in my basement room away from the newlyweds. I don't know. I can't tell any one what's causing these thoughts. But they're there. Maybe the loneliness is becoming depression. Working all day and making sure my brothers ok all night. Like a constant job. With out rest. With out love. Life feels so long every day. But it feels ever lessening for me. Like I am using all my life making others lives easier. Almost as if thats what I am here for. All I am here for.
I can say I am doing the right thing but I know that doing this is using all my life. Am I meant to love? I wonder everyday if there is a girl out there that will love me. If love was a card in my deck of life. I see beautiful girls every day and I talk to them but they seem so very uninteresting. Just out to breed and not actually KNOW some one for who they are. Why do I feel compelled to know EVERY INTIMATE secret about a girl before I sleep with her? Or at least know more about her than her name! I always want to know favorite color, music preferences, art preferences, her middle name and all sorts of other things. Am I seriously fucked in the head to not just screw a girl like every other guy? I know this is just the same rant as almost every other time but I am yet to learn the answer to my inquiry. I am yet to learn the truth and am becoming ever so tired in waiting to know. Like showing a child the same magic trick over and over and over again, while waiting for the child to figure it out.
*Begin to play American Football's self titled album here*
I am damn tired.with so many things in my life. But I persist! I must! If only to find out a definitive answer on why my life turned out the way it did! To learn how the cards in this life deck were cut and if I lost the love card in the shuffle. A hopeless romantic. So very hopeless. Every time I see a girl I like I don't instantly picture her naked. I wonder..... "What is her favorite color?" "What makes her smile?" "Has she ever heard any of the music I love?" "Dose she blush when you look her in her eyes and kiss her?" I wonder..... I wonder if I am attractive to her. I wonder if she finds me handsome or if she thinks I'm cute. I wonder if I can make her laugh. I think about so many things. Especially if I could have and actual conversation with that girl. I have met so many girls in my life. Not many of them could have a real conversation. They wanted to talk about pointless things. Who their friends friends were "getting with" and other subjects that really don't mean much to any one but their friends friends. I want to talk about whats happening. In the girls everyday life and around the world.
Intelligence is a MAJOR turn on for me! Maybe it's because I think that an intelligent girl could raise smarter children or tell better bed time stories or who knows? I just find smart/nerdy girls so much more attractive! And girls who aren't too skinny! I want a girl to hold onto! Not just a skeleton! I like a girl who can out eat me! I know I don't really eat much at all but still! I don't know what I am thinking right now. I'm so tired. I am lonely and my dreams of late aren't helping. I am dreaming of a girl I once liked. Oddly enough she JUST sent me a message today on myspace. I miss her. Her laugh. He beautifully bright eyes! Smart and funny. Fun to be around. Great style. Ahhhhh...... I do miss her. She took my interest and KEPT IT! I found out her middle name but never her favorite color... I tried. I've moved on but I still miss her. If only as a friend, I miss her.
I think I should get some sleep. I must wake early again for work. Tomorrow seems that it will be LONG and ARDUOUS! My brother makes sure of that! He has a doctors appointment tomorrow but I must be at work.... So he's going alone. He's driving off his meds.... on icy roads. Scary. I believe he can do it! He can do it!
I'm gonna post a time exposure picture I took of my brother a while back at the bottom. I enjoy the pic because it reminds me that at times it seems he has split personalities all converging and controlling him at one time.
To all I bid you wondrous nights! Sleep beautifully and dream glorious dreams for us all!