terrjbleone

Up all night again. "One day I'll be on time". The Album Leaf plays from my computer speakers as I write these words. "This mind". This mind is lonely and tired. Wanting so many things. No objects. Nothing to posses physically. I have "things" and "objects". I'm not in need of more of them. I posses the objects that make me amused. No, thats not what I want for. Thats not what keeps me awake at night. Not this night. Nights like this one in which I tire but don't sleep. Nights where my bed doesn't feel soft or warm, but empty and cold. If it were thoughts of objects so trivial, I wouldn't be depressed. The things I want for can't be purchased. They aren't branded with a "Market Suggested Retail Price". You can't find what I think about on the shelves of any stores. Truly it can't be exchanged for monetary value although some tend to try.

Still on nights like this I can't help myself. Thinking. Constantly. It's as if I am over-clocking my mind to compute a problem that I can't answer. Still it seems my mind must ponder the question. I lay in bed thinking and thinking while wanting the sleep to come. If only to stop my thoughts. The same thing that has kept me awake so many nights before. The same question. Mystery. Even if it is a stupid question I ask my self I still want for an answer. I have been told that "someday" I will find what I am looking for. "Someday" never seems to come. "Someday" is eluding me. "Theres some one for every one". A phrase I have heard from so many friends. I have been told so many times that I should just go out to bars and girls would be all over me. Oddly enough that doesn't sound too appealing. I'm not looking for a casual lay. Not what I'm into. If that were I could've had that. I don't get drunk. I don't sleep with drunk girls. I don't try to get girls so drunk that they can't think for them selves just so I can get laid. Casual sex isn't what I'm into. Oddly enough I don't want to be a mistake for a girl I'm into.

I've made choices in my life. I know they were the right choices because I don't feel trapped by the outcomes. I feel incredibly free actually. The sad thing is, I still regret those choices some times. Should I have made the stupid fucking decision and just gotten all fuckered up? Should I have made all those same stupid decisions as all my friends? I don't know... Almost every male friend I have has a child. They got drunk, got stupid, and now got kids. They say I was the smart one. They say if they could go back they'd do as I did. They say some odd things. I don't know if the choices I have made will make my life more amazing or just the same. I don't know where I'd be if I had turned into a heroin addict like my best friend in all the world. I don't know where he is... I haven't spoken to him in years now... He never quite seemed happy. Even when he was loved by a girl. He said it wasn't anything like what I hope it is. Love. He said its all bullshit. That no matter what, the girls I like will fucking destroy me. So far, he's been correct. I was made a fool twice now. Not just a simple deception but two very complex lies that I wasn't savvy to by two different girls. Two fucking huge lies that when I found out the truth to, I quit speaking to those girls for ever.

I have made choices. Many choices. I have made every choice with the thought that I don't want to look back and think "I fucking hurt that person for no reason". I don't want to look back and feel that I fucked up a life because I "wanted". I have made my choices in the best hopes for every one involved. I helped my mother stay alive and now she is healthy and married to a guy she loves with all her heart. I used my teen years making sure she got healthy and got to the doctors she needed. I didn't get to experience the fun times I see in all those movies. Now, I make sure my brother is happy. I have him living with me here in Utah. I help him talk to his future wife and I make sure everything is good with her. I am helping do everything I can to bring her up from Mexico so they can marry and oddly enough, live in my house with me downstairs. With everything said here... The one thing I have been thinking about is, Am I ever going to know what they all feel? Am I ever going to be able to just find some girl I can just look into her eyes and know? This thought keeps me up at night. All night. Multiple nights. Until my body shuts down due to lack of rest. The thoughts of love and romance. Thoughts of feeling wanted. To some one like me, these things aren't known. These things are mysterious and in being so I think and wonder what it must be like. Forming what I can in my mind to try to grasp what it could possibly be like.

I am obscenely tired and in being so also very depressed. Still, I'm awake writing this post. Thinking. Thinking about my life. About the choices I've made. Knowing I have made all the right choices because they were never easy. Knowing because I don't feel trapped in my life. Knowing because the only regrets I have are regrets of not being in a fucked up life, pissed that I didn't make the choices I have made so that I can still be near my friends. No, I made the choices that kept me honest and clean. Never to be some one else's regret or mistake. In doing so, I have moved far from my friends who made those stupid mistakes in which they now regret. In doing so, I have made sure I have many opportunities on where I can take my life. But still, in doing so, I feel terribly lonely. Never knowing the one thing that makes life worth living. The love of a beautiful girl.

I'm going to try again to get some sleep. It is 7:29 a.m. and I haven't slept for 3 days now. Wish me luck and a calm mind.