13 days into 2008, and every one of them I've been sick, working, or both. Is it 2009 yet?
On to other things . . .
I wonder how much time and energy I spend with my brain just trying to hold off anxiety. I've found a lot of things . . . convoluted cognitions and mental manipulations . . . meditative meanderings that seem to work, but at what cost? I probably spend half my day just trying to do brain maintenance. Maybe it's not that bad, but it annoys me to think of how much more productive I could be if my cranial resources were freed up to work on things that were actually important or significant. I've always felt like there's this realizational breakthrough that if I could just get there, the world would become clear and I'd gain understanding, top to bottom, of the futility of anxiety and the fear would just . . . vanish. I feel like I touch it every now and then, briefly, like a moth flitting against your temple--there for a split second and gone again. Seeing the world outside yourself, knowing the greater perspective that puts all your worries into their proper proportions. Nothing spiritual or lame like that . . . just knowing, knowing, the scope of the universe and your place in it and understanding throughout the darkest reaches of your conscious and subconscious mind that your fear is more a hindrance than a help, and letting it subside naturally as a result.
Well, today is better, than yesterday, and yesterday better than the day before, stretching back for about a year. Maybe I'll never get where I want to be, but at least we seem to be moving the boat forward.
On to other things . . .
I wonder how much time and energy I spend with my brain just trying to hold off anxiety. I've found a lot of things . . . convoluted cognitions and mental manipulations . . . meditative meanderings that seem to work, but at what cost? I probably spend half my day just trying to do brain maintenance. Maybe it's not that bad, but it annoys me to think of how much more productive I could be if my cranial resources were freed up to work on things that were actually important or significant. I've always felt like there's this realizational breakthrough that if I could just get there, the world would become clear and I'd gain understanding, top to bottom, of the futility of anxiety and the fear would just . . . vanish. I feel like I touch it every now and then, briefly, like a moth flitting against your temple--there for a split second and gone again. Seeing the world outside yourself, knowing the greater perspective that puts all your worries into their proper proportions. Nothing spiritual or lame like that . . . just knowing, knowing, the scope of the universe and your place in it and understanding throughout the darkest reaches of your conscious and subconscious mind that your fear is more a hindrance than a help, and letting it subside naturally as a result.
Well, today is better, than yesterday, and yesterday better than the day before, stretching back for about a year. Maybe I'll never get where I want to be, but at least we seem to be moving the boat forward.